Neglection... (May trigger others..?)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Joshy, Mar 29, 2012.

  1. Joshy

    Joshy Well-Known Member

    All my ****ing life I've felt neglected and alone... Even since Elementary, I never had ANY friends and no one ever talked to me... I'm not ugly or overweight... But I feel like I'm invisible... I suffer severe social anxiety and even when I try not to be invisible, I still am... I've tried in the past by going to social events, and I was still invisible... The guy who sat with everyone, but no one noticed him at all or even talked to... I've been forgotten by a lot of people and forgotten even by store clerks. I'll be standing there like an idiot with something at the counter and they will just be ignoring me while I wait patiently. I'm sorry for all these periods and terrible over-use of punctuation.. I'm not even sure if anyone will read this. But if you do, that has made me just a little bit happier to know that someone was here... Even if they don't say a word... Because here I am, just joined a website for help and to vent out this loneliness.. I'm an agliophobic which means I'm afraid of pain.. But inside my head I am SCREAMING my ****ing vocal cords out and inside my head I am crying my eyes out... But I can't cry a single tear no matter how hard I try.. Even from physical pain, or a death in the family or someone I knew who died, I can't cry a SINGLE ****ING TEAR!
    The only time I ever had friends was for about a few weeks, until they just forgot about me and never messaged me back. I'm tired of online friendships and this bull**** insensitivity just for speaking out finally... I may be afraid of pain, but every ****ink second I am considering suicide to an extreme extent! I don't know when I'll finally overcome my fear and just finally do it. But when I die, I may just die happy. I'm an Atheist and I don't care about an afterlife because I think it's ****shit and a story in a book, that's been rewritten many times!
    I don't know what to do anymore... I failed 6th grade in the past because apparently the school didn't keep records of me so I did a whole year without actually doing a whole year. So I had to re-do it. Then in 7th grade, I failed/missed a whole year because I was bullied and eventually STABBED in the center of my chest because of a rumor going around saying that I was gay, and I'm not! So I left school and started home schooling, about a year after because it took so long to find a ****ing home school program... And it was ****ing Christian... Now I'm in 9th grade and I am thinking about dropping out because of this loneliness and hopelessness in education. I don't have any enthusiasm to do the work, and there is no one to tell me or motivate me to do this work. So it sits there for months, undone... I don't even care anymore about this ****... Then there's my mom who ****ing tells me to shower, tells me to brush my teeth and constantly reminds me about simple **** that I can do on my own damn it!!!!! She treats me like I'm 12, and I'm almost 18! I can do that shit on my own time and I always do!!!!!!!!
    So I'm thinking about dropping out... Why? Because I can't go to public school. Apparently I'm too old to go to public school especially since I'm in 9th grade... My education is ****ed up.... Why should I even try anymore...
    But I can't ****ing end it. I spend every day the same as always... Sleep probably all morning, wake up, my ONLY (best) friend Alex comes over, we play CoD and then we sometimes go bike riding to Starbucks or Gamestop a lot... Then he goes home, I come home, watch Netflix, make music, and stay up all night hoping for someone who lives near me to just say "Hi".... I'm tired of random distant women who say "Heyy ur hot:)" it get's so ****ing annoying and it is so rude and an improper first impression to make with a stranger....

    I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just continuing the days the same as every day.. Hoping to die eventually someday. I can't change it.. I can't be happy, I can't do anything at all.

    Might apply for jobs soon with Alex. Just to at least make some money to move out and live somewhere... After all I'm almost 18..

    I won't commit suicide because I mentally can't. As much as I wish to...

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Josh i hear you and i see your pain. You are not invisible and yes you are going to be 18 and you will soon be able to hopefully get that job and move out into your own space
    There are schools for adults to obtain their highschool diploma you can go to college and get upgrading done so you can move on with your education as well. Is there anything you may enjoy joining art class music class something that brings you joy and gets you connected more to the outside world. I am glad you have such a good friend one good friend is better the several not so good friends. Just wanted you to know i hear you and i hope you keep posting okay hugs to you
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Josh and welcome...can you complete your GED and get that out of the way? That way, you will have the graduate diploma if you wish to continue your education...also, have you spoken to anyone about how you feel? Are there any adults who you can trust? Any counselors, etc.? There are also professionals that do vocational counseling...maybe if you found something of interest, you could meet people in that field and establish the past, I had a lot of trouble crying, myself...I was afraid that once I started, I would never stop...please continue to post and welcome again
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Hi Josh, sorry to hear you feel this way. I can relate to the feelings of being invisible and alone, and I know how much it sucks. You said you might be going to look for a job and then move out, that might help start your life in a new direction. I hope posting here will help you to feel less lonely and to get some of the feelings out.
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Joshy - I feel for your pain, and thank you SO MUCH for writing it down here - this site has some very caring people in it, who can help and offer just a slightly new perspective (to begin with, to help get out of reverse gear). [It's so much easier to sit and watch a fire burn from an armchair in the distance - just to illustrate what I mean by perspective]...... There are lots of folk who have reached the point of not knowing what to do, not knowing how to carry on and consequently give up hope. But there is always hope, even when you think your pit is the blackest it's able to be.

    I'm nothing if not (at least to try to be) practical. Just for a starting point, please tell yourself that you are willing to believe there is hope that things can change from what they've been for you so far. It's just that at 18 there hasn't been a lot of opportunity to gain much, if any, insight..... and insight helps to change perspective. My goodness - I didn't know what insight was until I was 40 something - so you've got many more years ahead to enjoy the getting of it - and there ARE resources available for its getting, honey.

    Another thing to tell yourself when the memories of being forgotten try to tell you that you're invisible........ "That's not actually true - I am here in flesh and blood and if they don't want to see that, then I'm not going to waste any more of my time and emotional energy on what is, actually, their problem".