Nervous about "coming out" about it

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by S8pxph, Feb 3, 2012.

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  1. S8pxph

    S8pxph Active Member

    So last Friday I attempted again. Nothing really triggered it, and usually it only feels like a compulsion during my PMS. For the last 9 years I've usually been able to control the impulse, but this time was different. I've had nights where the desire is so overwhelming it's akin to the desire to sleep after days without it. This time, though, it was more like a need. It felt like holding your breath, the pain builds and your diaphragm spasms until finally you're forced to breathe. I wanted to dissolve into my bed. I was so messed up I found myself wishing I were a pair of jeans or a thread in the carpet, because they aren't alive. I was jealous of my friends who had committed suicide, and the more I fought the compulsion, the angrier I got. The longer my feelings festered, the less I cared about the pain I would cause my friends and family, until I finally convinced myself that I'd be dead and shouldn't care because I wouldn't be able to feel guilt. Besides, I was in such a dark place that the guilt seemed like such an insignificant feeling. I've never been to that place before, and I couldn't handle it. I know I can't go into methods here, so I'm going to skip over what happened when I finally snapped.

    Unfortunately, I ended up puking in the bathroom and a girl called the campus medical team. I swore I hadn't been drinking and I just had the flu, but it was a Friday night and they're used to getting calls about girls who drank too much. They told me if I was honest with them, I wouldn't have to go to the hospital (which is clearly the last place I wanted to be in the middle of an attempt), so I lied and told them that I had. Ironic, right? Anyway, they let me off, and I went back to my stall to die. But I didn't. For reasons I cannot explain, I woke up the next day. I was devastated. I loathed the sunlight. Every fiber of my being wished I had never woken up. And then, after the initial shock, I loathed myself. Not only was I a failure at yet another thing, but I also felt weak. All these years, I've been proud to tough out the pain for my loved ones, but last Friday I failed. Now, I want to be very clear that I am not calling those who attempt weak. This is purely a self-criticism. The same way someone with body dysmorphia can think they're fat and someone who is bigger than them is skinny. I have the absolute utmost respect for everyone on this site. But I'm digressing a bit. I felt incredibly guilty. But I picked myself up, and over the course of the week that guilt subsided, as I told myself that no harm was done because I am still here.

    Well, I forgot about policy violations. The security guards filed a report, and now I have to go through the school's penal system. This is not a mark I want on my record. I've been weighing my options, and I've decided to come clean. I'm going to tell them what really happened, not just because I don't want a black mark, but also because I really severely need help. I'm terrified of being in that place again. I have had the compulsion before, but I've always pulled through by reminding myself of the ones I love. It scared me that I got to a point where I felt absolutely nothing but pain, no love, no guilt, with just one purpose in mind. Clearly coping is no longer working, and I need to draw on other resources. I'm just scared about "publicly" admitting it. I've told 2 people in the past, and they were both friends who stopped being my friend because of it. So not only am I afraid of the judgment, but I'm afraid they will make me go to the hospital or this will somehow affect my future. I'm also afraid of how my family will take it. My uncle has lymphoma and my father is in the middle of grant writing (not to mention he thinks depression is utter crap), and I don't want to put any more stress on my parents.

    Do they MHA you when you admit to something like that, even if you're not presently a harm to yourself or others? Is it something that future grad schools or employers see? Just in general, what are the possible repercussions of this? I just need some advice and support right now. I'm usually the person in my group of friends that is always supportive and cheerful (one of my friends even said I'm the happiest person she knows... more irony), but I just need reassurance right now and I have no one to go to. Also, kudos to those who got through this wall of text. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read this and help me <3
  2. hornbeam

    hornbeam Well-Known Member

    Hi Stephanie

    I have just read your post and hope you dont mind me replying - although I am a lot older than you and dont know much about American campus life.

    I think you should tell the necessary people about what really happened that Friday evening as you have told us here. It seems that you have done nothing wrong - just that your thoughts are becoming overwhelming and rather than admit you were suicidal - pretending you had been drinking seemed a safer option at the time as your were terrified about going to the hospital.

    You will find it a relief to get these thoughts out to someone who can listen and help you.

    PMT can be very difficult to deal with - some of us have had terribly grotesque thoughts - I know I have- again please confide in someone at the campus that can help you - its not a weakness. Please take care.
  3. hornbeam

    hornbeam Well-Known Member

    Just re-read your post Stephanie and realised you attempted - I still think being honest with the therapist at campus would be more helpful you than keeping it to yourself....
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I think you should tell them what happened, since you said you really need the help, and you want to be safe. Don't worry so much about what other people think. If they are negative towards your feelings, then those people shouldn't be important to you.
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