Hi, I somehow found my way to this site after an incredibly rough day! I’m nervous as hell and I’m asking people not to judge me please! My life has been turbulent for around 6 years! I suffer from anxiety and have slipped into depression... my daily medication is Diazepam and Citalopram! It started when I met a girl she was amazing and we had such an incredible time! But then things changed... slowly! It started by being slapped around... then harassed/almost stalked as her possessive nature took over! Nude photos of me were posted to my friends and online! My bank cards were cut in half if I was leaving for town.... my passport was damaged “accidentally” so I couldn’t leave to go on holiday and then I found out she was pregnant! I immediately thought I’d been trapped... I obviously couldn’t prove this theory! She had a boy and left the city. Due to the physical and mental abuse I let her go! Fast forward to just this year and she contacted me out of the blue admitted that she had removed contraception and taken things like folic acid to enable a pregnancy! I immediately felt relief but then immense guilt even still! I have a son I have never met.... if he accuses me of leaving I have the evidence right? Wrong! Because despite what he believes that is his Mum and the only parent he has known and I will not break that bond! But for my own peace of mind I know! And then the abuse! Manipulation! Blackmail started! The nude photos were sent to my girlfriend who thankfully stood by me she is a friend of 15 years prior to our romantic relationship in fact my best friend and she supported me greatly! But I was still ashamed and left devastated and then nothing! Never heard from her again! The greater tragedy for me was yet to come! The love of my life was pregnant. And just last month miscarried! Grief took over her! She couldn’t look at me, talk to me or be around me! She hates me! I cried with her for hours and held her close praying she would be ok. But she left! I went from my perfect future to nothing! My entire support network my world my life is gone! I told myself she will come back but she hasn’t! She is in pain but refuses to see me. I am useless without her! My best friend is gone and I don’t know how to get her back. I have struggled for 34 days now without my everything.... and I cannot face a day without her! I just want her to know I love her.... I feel like I have lost two children and it kills me every day! I would trade my life for theirs at any moment.... Thoughts have entered my head and suicide has felt like the only option to stop the hurt. To release the pain and be free of these thoughts that keep me awake every single night! I sleep on average 2 hours a day I cannot function! My body aches! My head is aching... physically aching! As if consumed by a beast! I haven’t had the courage to attempt a suicide but I think about it daily! And I’m scared one day I may give in! I’m sorry to have rambled! Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read my story.