Nervous but Hi!

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Glenn WH, Mar 8, 2018.

  1. Glenn WH

    Glenn WH New Member


    I somehow found my way to this site after an incredibly rough day! I’m nervous as hell and I’m asking people not to judge me please!

    My life has been turbulent for around 6 years! I suffer from anxiety and have slipped into depression... my daily medication is Diazepam and Citalopram!

    It started when I met a girl she was amazing and we had such an incredible time! But then things changed... slowly! It started by being slapped around... then harassed/almost stalked as her possessive nature took over! Nude photos of me were posted to my friends and online! My bank cards were cut in half if I was leaving for town.... my passport was damaged “accidentally” so I couldn’t leave to go on holiday and then I found out she was pregnant!

    I immediately thought I’d been trapped... I obviously couldn’t prove this theory! She had a boy and left the city. Due to the physical and mental abuse I let her go!

    Fast forward to just this year and she contacted me out of the blue admitted that she had removed contraception and taken things like folic acid to enable a pregnancy! I immediately felt relief but then immense guilt even still! I have a son I have never met.... if he accuses me of leaving I have the evidence right? Wrong! Because despite what he believes that is his Mum and the only parent he has known and I will not break that bond! But for my own peace of mind I know!

    And then the abuse! Manipulation! Blackmail started! The nude photos were sent to my girlfriend who thankfully stood by me she is a friend of 15 years prior to our romantic relationship in fact my best friend and she supported me greatly! But I was still ashamed and left devastated and then nothing! Never heard from her again!

    The greater tragedy for me was yet to come! The love of my life was pregnant. And just last month miscarried! Grief took over her! She couldn’t look at me, talk to me or be around me! She hates me! I cried with her for hours and held her close praying she would be ok. But she left! I went from my perfect future to nothing! My entire support network my world my life is gone! I told myself she will come back but she hasn’t! She is in pain but refuses to see me. I am useless without her! My best friend is gone and I don’t know how to get her back.

    I have struggled for 34 days now without my everything.... and I cannot face a day without her! I just want her to know I love her.... I feel like I have lost two children and it kills me every day! I would trade my life for theirs at any moment....

    Thoughts have entered my head and suicide has felt like the only option to stop the hurt. To release the pain and be free of these thoughts that keep me awake every single night! I sleep on average 2 hours a day I cannot function! My body aches! My head is aching... physically aching! As if consumed by a beast!

    I haven’t had the courage to attempt a suicide but I think about it daily! And I’m scared one day I may give in!

    I’m sorry to have rambled! Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read my story.
  2. Dawn

    Dawn Forum Pro

    Hi Glenn and welcome. Please don't apologize as there is no reason to and I want u to know that we do not judge here. So no worries about that at all. We also understand how it is to feel this way.

    I am really sorry about everything that has happened. It is understandable that u are in distress. I have horrible insomnia and I know how it is. Seeing a doctor would be a really good idea. I hate taking sleeping pills or anything else but I have to do that. Not sleeping is going to really take a toll. It is amazing how long we can go without sleep sometimes but it is not good. Have u ever tried meds for depression? I don't know if u are open to that, but i cannot see what u would have to lose and a lot to possibly gain.

    Seeing your son and having him in your life would probably be the best thing that has ever happened for u and I believe u will always feel better if u do right by him. I understand u are leary of his mum, but u could try to co parent with her and maybe it wouldn't be as bad as u may think hopefully.

    Keep posting because we are here for u and I think it helps to be amongst others who understand. Don't give up because things sometimes get better when we least expect it. I truly send best wishes and good vibes your way.
  3. Alwayswrong

    Alwayswrong Well-Known Member

    Hi, Glenn! Nobody judges anybody here. We're a family; we try to help each other.
    Give your friend time to grieve. A month is too short a time. She doesn't hate you. It's her reaction to what happened.
  4. sassy123

    sassy123 Chat Pro SF Supporter

    Hugs sorry you are going through all of this. When a woman loses a baby she can grieve terribly and I know for me I just wanted to die but there is hope let her grieve and hopefully she will come back to you sooner rather than later.
    Alwayswrong likes this.
  5. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    Hi @Glenn WH - welcome to SF :cool:

    I haven’t read your whole post, sorry, but this is the last place you’ll get judged.

    Hope to see you around.

    Gypsy x
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi @Glenn WH welcome to SF.
    I am glad you joined us here, no one will judge you and we're very friendly and supportive here.

    You certainly have been through a lot. I am sorry you are hurting to much and feel alienated. Please try and rebuild a support network around you maybe including a doctor, therapist or whatever route you want to go down to get help. Anti depressants could help you a lot.Do you find that the diazepam takes the edge off for you when things are rough? What has helped you the most in the past? Not just medicine but everything in general.

    Best wishes, looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
  7. walkerbait95

    walkerbait95 SF Social Media Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi Glenn
    That really sucks about how things are turning out with these girls. You don't want or need to kill yourself because of what is going on though man. This is temporary pain caused from whats happening. You need time to heal from these things, yes!, but you don't need to die.

    Does your recent gf say why she's broken up with you after the miscarriage? That doesn't seem to be the most common reaction to me. What do I know though. It wasn't your fault. One would think she'd want your support & love right now during what must also be a hard time for her.

    Anyway, welcome to the forum. Keep posting.