Never be Missed

You know something just accured to me as i was reading another forum a little while ago. I realized that i myself will never be missed. It makes me wonder why in the World i am still here? a member from there had passed away and he got so many replies yet he will not be there to read it or ever get those replies:sad: He was really loved a lot and i even feel love for him. I know everything that happens is not always about me and i dont expect it to always be about me but i have just realized, if i was to just lay down tonight and never wake up, would i even be missed at all?

As i sit here typing this out on this tiny computer screen, i realize just how much i hate myself, i hate my life, just look at all the mistakes i have done:unsure: I have done so many things wrong and its like every time i do something it comes out all wrong. I am dying inside. I am hurting so deep that i just do not know which way to turn, what to do, who to trust, who to even believe in? I have had people from other forums tell me there my friend, that they love me or care for me but when something trgic happens to me that is when they show their true colors and dont even bother to PM me. it is like one minute i am their friend and now that my brother has passed away it is as if i am some kind of disease that they shy away from me now because of it.

i was invited to a get together but now since my brother passed away, the same person who invited me to a get together has ignored me:sad: i keep thinking well perhaps their afraid to even talk to me for fear they might upset me, but do they not know that when one loses someone close especially like a brother it is then that they need them the most?

so am i really loved? or am i really alone? will i be missed? from the looks of it i wont.. my brother is the one that passed away but i am not dead yet, however it appears to me that i am dead also at least to everyone else so i keep asking myself am i really truly loved? will i be missed?

i myself am trying to be strong. i really am.. i am even trying to get Church and God back into my life so i can concentrate on other things yet all i keep coming back to is more pain. i am not as strong as others may think i am. i am fragile and i now know who my real true friends are and that in itself is very few and far because when i need them they are not here. do true friends really abandon you?:huh:

if this had been someone else, would you be there for them? is it because its me? white dove that you decide or think i dont need anyone? do you think i am very strong? cause if you do then i am afraid to tell you the bad news that i am not strong at all:sad: i dont know what tomorrow will bring for me, i dont know if i will even make it to friday for the funeral and thats the Gods honest truth!

 

I'm so sorry to hear of your brother's passing. Sometimes when another person is in pain the best thing to say is nothing because no one can know what you are feeling - but there are people who care.

You also should realize - everyong makes mistakes what is important is not how many or how bad but what you learned from them...You are not your mistakes you are something far deeper than what you have done or what has been done to you.

Hang in there - this is a rough time - know that there are people around to hear your sadness. Reaching out and asking for the comfort you need will help. Life just isn't "fair"

Take care of yourself.

 

Hello White Dove,
You have my condolances about your brother. I know it is hard to be yourself when you loose a loved one. Maybe your friends thought you needed time to yourself? I am about to loose my brother in law who is more a brother to me than my own brother. He has had three surgerys on his brain to remove tumors and has gone down hill quick. I almost started crying when I saw him. But I stood fast and showed him support instead. His doctors don't give much hope that he will make it thru the year.
I realize you are needing that support now. I am here if you decide you want to talk. Iam only going to be available to talk with until wendsday because thursday I am going back into the hospital because I am loosing the battle with my depression. My dumb ass shrink put me on Paxil and it has made me worst instead of better.
I'm sorry I got off on a rant. I hope you know that the forum will show you the support you need. Give people a chance to read your thread. Some of us are busy with jobs and others are busy with other things as they log on they will read how hurt you are and come to you to show support for you brothers up coming funeral.
Right now you need to take care of you!! Make sure you are eating right to maintain your strength and get plenty of rest because the day of his funeral it will be exhausting for you because of all the emotions you will go thru. I am sorry you felt like you were being ignored!!! But honestly I don't think that is the case. Please don't harm yourself!!!If you see a therapist maybe try to get squeezed in before the funeral so you can go over how you are feeling right now. Take care!!!~Joseph~

 

people sometimes well often do not know how to react when there is a death.. and often they withdraw. unfortunatley it isusually the wrong thing to do. you could tell them that. tell them you don't want them to shy away embarrassed for not knowing how to be or what to say. i am sory you feel shit. you have a string faith which will help you if you let it. i am not christian but as you are.. turn to the one you follow which is jesus. you do have friends here i am sure. i don't know you but i care about your situation. i hope things get better and i will be thinking of you friday. think about what your bro would have wanted for you... he would not want you to be suffering like this. he lives on in you. always will....

sam x

 

I'm sorry about your brother white dove.
I hope that you do hang in there and make it to friday and beyond.
Its easy to feel like nobody would notice us missing if we were gone, but if you give up you'll never know how much you can and would be missed.

Keep safe x

 

tb - i feel as though everything i do or post is wrong or another mistake and if i try and reach out and ask for comfort others will acuss me of being or wanting attention or an abuser or something worse :sad: I have been here on and off for 2 or is it 3 years, yet because i have not died yet i am acussed of many things, or rather been acussed of many things before.

Stranger1 - i feel as though i have no friends, i feel as though they want to ignore me so if they ignore me then i will go away. i cant even sleep anymore.. i find myself taking more and more sleep tabs just to catch a few minutes of sleep. i cant see a therapist, i have no insurance and no money.

soliloquise - if that was/is the case that they do not know how to react, then how come they know how to react with the death of a member from there? they show care and love to others.. so that cant be the reason why.. it has to be because they hate me, they never loved me and they never wanted me to be a part of them. what about the time a members mother passed away? or a members 4 year old daughter? they showed love and care to them even i did. i pmed them but i get no pms when i need the love and care and support ( well actually i think i have got 2 pms so far ??? ) but that is it, and those 2 are from new members not the other members who have known me and my posts.

speck,- thank you for your reply.

i feel as though it would be best for all concerned if i was to never be around anymore.. it would save everyone the trouble of having to read my stupid posts or listen to me win and complain about my pain and hurt and i dont think i would be missed, you say i will be missed but would i actually be missed????

how many missed me when i was gone from here for about 4 months due to computer problems and other things? i have went through several forums here, i dont see where i was even missed at all.. so how am i to believe i will be missed?:sad: nobody says where is white dove? or have you heard from white dove, or have you checked on white dove? nobody checked on me because they did not care.. it makes no different if i am here or not, neither does it make any different if i am at the other forum or not. if i was to be kidnapped or killed by someone no one would ever find me because no one would check to see where i had went to, now does that sound like i would be missed? rather here or anywhere else? when my computer had torn up, i had a pastor tell everyone on the forumj i could not come back online at the time, he did tell everyone but it made no difference, they did not care, you want to know how i know? i went into search and seen where he posted it, did not see anyone reply to say hey, thanks for letting us know about white dove, so i am not loved nor missed.. you tell me am i really loved? will i really be missed or not?

 

I know that you don't know me as I'm new here. However, I would like to express how sorry I am for the loss of your brother. I can't even imagine what you are having to go through right now. I wish there was something that I could say that would alleviate at least a little of your pain.

 

Hey White Dove,
I haven't known you from the past. But I am trying to reach out to you and offer you my friendship!! What I said in my post came from the heart!! I don't tell people stuff just to pump myself up, I actually care about what I say to people!!
I know you are suffering and are pissed off because you think no one cares, but I have just read a couple of replys to you from people who are actually concerned about you.
Please don't harm yourself, and know that someone does care how you feel!! If I had seen you post before I would have replyed to you. I am usually up most of the night because I can't sleep more than two or three hours a night, so I read everyones posts. Like I said if you want a friend I have my hand out to you!!Take Care!!~Joseph~