never been this close

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by swimmergirl, Jan 19, 2009.

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  1. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I am so close to killing myself, and yet there is a part of me that comes here looking for help, crying out for someone to understand, begging for someone to stop me, pleading for a reason not to, looking for some sign of hope even now when I feel like there is no hope, it is the same part of me that wants to call my therapist, or my friend or anyone and tell them how much pain I am in and I need help, but I am also afraid that there is nothing anyone can do to ease the pain, so my only real choice is to die, then it will stop and I won't be such a burden and no one will have to worry about me anymore.
  2. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    HI, I can TOTALLY relate. I've been where you are at. you talked about hope, find SOMETHING to hold on to. something is keeping you alive, some part of you doesn't want to die or you wouldn't be asking for help. if you have a therapist, friend, crisis line, etc, - then think about calling.

    wait it out a bit, i know it's freakin painful, but don't make your crisis any worse by doing something that you will regret.

    stay safe

    PM me if you want

    -annie :blink:
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey swimmergirl,
    This is the first time I have seen you post. What has caused you so much pain? Are you on meds? You already said you see a therapist. Is she helping you? Are you being totally honest with her? I have found that you have to spill your guts and tell them everything that is going on so they can come up with a treatment plan that works for you.
    I have been in therapy for three years and it took up to this past year before I started making progress. My problem is with my new shrink. He keeps messing with my meds and has me all screwed up. Are your meds working for you? I have found that the ones that work for me only last for a couple of years and then I have to be switched to something else.
    Talk to your therapist they really can help, but you have to open up. We here at the forum are always here for you so don't be afraid to post here. When I joined I wasn't a talker and now they can't get me to shut up!! lol. I went fourteen years with out talking to anyone. I guess it is all coming out now. Take Care!!~Joseph~
  4. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I think about it all the time. Why is that? It is almost as painful as the painful stuff that led me to think about killing myself. So, now I feel like I either kill myself this week or tell someone and I can't seem to make that decision yet. If I tell someone, what if there is nothing they can do to help me get better? What if I just end up right back where I am at? Then again, what if there is a chance I can get well? I am almost afraid to hope because I think anymore disappointment will guarantee my death.
  5. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I am going to do it. I don't love myself enough to care anymore.
  6. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    You said you had hope, hang on to that. People DO get better. It won't always be like this. People can help you by offering support. You said you had people that you can call - do that! They can't take the pain away, but they can comfort you, listen to you, offer suggestions.

    People will be miss you and they will wonder "how could I have helped her". Don't do anything now because you have people who care. It's ok to reach out to them.

    Hang in there, this is a tough time and you can and will make it thru this.

    Don't be afriad to reach out. Don't do it. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

    I care.
  7. Kimi

    Kimi Well-Known Member

    If you are living in U.K. please contact to Maytree. They will help you.
  8. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I live in Chicago.

    I don't know what to say, I want to tell someone, I just don't know what to say...
  9. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    :hug: It doesn't matter what you say, just that you start talking about what is going on.

    Can you call your therapist??

    Can you look on line for resources in Chicago?

    There is also a suicide prevention hotline listed on this site. They may be able to help you. I know it's scary to call, but these people deal with this type of crisis everyday. They can probably give you resources in Chicago.

    How old are you - if you want to say?

    Just call someone and say "I need help." I've been where you are at and called anyone and everyone I could until I made it thru. You will make it.

    Keep posting - I can give you more support.

    You can make it thru and you will make it thru.

    I care
    -annie :hug:

    PM me if you want
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2009
  10. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I called someone and she asked me how I was doing, but I was still too afraid to tell them what I am really thinking about doing. I am afraid they will just lock me up in a hospital or something, and that won't help, that is just a band aid.

    I feel so trapped, alone and scared and hurting, but afraid to reach out and feeling desperate and not able to trust people. It fucking sucks, trapped with no way out.

    All I have to do is make one stupid fucking phone call to my therapist and I know she could help but I feel stupid calling her and telling her that I want to die, it seems so stupid, so weak, I feel guilty about it, I don't want to admit it, I just want to do it and get it over with so I can stop feeling so bad about it and everything else.
  11. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    Well, you are haning in there! I'm glad the you made a phone call. :biggrin::blink:

    I would REALLY encourage you to call your therapist - they are used to dealing with this - it's their job and more than that, they want to help. I"ve called my therapist many times to help get me thru and they've nether thought I was stupid or weak. You don't need to feel guilty - you haven't done anything wrong. You are just having alot of painful feelings right now. Therapists understand that.

    I want to ask you - do you really want to die or do you just not want to feel the pain? Although it probably doesn't seem like it right now, the painful feelings are only temporary. They do subside, but you may feel better if you let them out by talking about it. What exactly are you so afraid of? I want to encourage you to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself and call your therapist or someone else. People care about you!

    I would also encourage you to stop judging yourself. You are not stupid or weak. I bet everybody on this forum has felt in a similar way - would you tell them they are stupid and weak for having painful feelings? I bet you wouldn't . I've had alot of these feelings and when I tell myself that I am not worthy or weak, I just feel worse. But, if I can let the feelings out to someone who understands, then I don't feel so bad. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I think you want to live becasue you are still here asking for help. You are not weak if you ask for help. Asking for help is one of the strongest things that you can do.

    I hope this is helpful. Keep posting and let me know how you are doing. You are a brave person for even posting this on here. I think that you are really strong and a fighter. But you are just having a bad time and yes that really sucks! But it's only right now. How have you made it thru tough times before. I know you are saying that you have never been this close, but can you think of anything that has helped you in the past?

    -annie :hug:
  12. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    thanks Annie, I don't know what I am so scared of, I guess i am ashamed of feeling this way. I think I should be able to handle this on my own, I should be stronger, I don't want to feel this way, but I do and I can't seem to change how I feel and it frustrates me so much, to the point that I just want to give in to it, I just want to give up. The hopelessness and emptiness sometimes feels so intolerable that I do want to die, even though I know the feeling may pass, I also know it will come back and that is what scares me I guess. I want it to go away. I don't want to have such dark emotions and thoughts so much, I don't want to fight so hard just to live. I just want to wake up and not have this darkness with me for once. I want to live a life worth living, not this life, a real life.

    I am going to try and call my therapist. I just don't want to freak her out. But I also tend to down play my emotions and then everyone thinks I am okay when I am not. It is so hard for me to just say what I am feeling. But you are right I just need to worry about myself right now and not her.

    Thanks for listening.
  13. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi swimmergirl. Please don't kill yourself hun. I'm sorry that you're feeling so low. I know that you would like to handle this on your own, but it's ok to reach out and ask for help. Good luck with your therapist. Try to be open and honest with her. :hug:
  14. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    I can feel your pain. I can totally relate. I have the same thoughts about the feelings being so intolerable tht I want to die. And you are right, the feelings do come back and it sucks. It's hard for me to live with such dark emotions too. I fight everyday just to live too. It's exhausting. I want a life worth living too! But I've realized that I have to FIGHT to have and keep a life worth living. It's a daily fight, some days, I want to give up like you and some days it's easier. Today it's a little easier and I can help someone else.

    I don't know, something has kept me around this long and fighting. One time when I didn't want to go on and couldn't think of a reason to live and that things wouldn't get better, a therapist said to be - What about Blind Faith? I thought it was ridiculous at the time and totally blew it off.

    But I think that Blind Faith (i'm not a religious person or trying to preach religion, I mean it more in a spiritual way) I think Blind Faith is keeping me around. Who knows what's going to happen? I don't know. I don't totally understand it myself. I don't know if this makes sense?:huh:

    Part of me wants to die, but part of me wants to live too, so I'm trying to strenghten the parts in me that want to live.

    Let me know how it goes with your therapist. You are brave. And it is hard. Really really hard. Just keep fighting a little longer, things can change.

  15. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    i just left my therapist a voicemail that I am sure made absolutely no sense, but at least I left it. I am a little relieved that I told her how I was feeling, but a little nervous about waiting for her to call me back. I don't even remember what i said, i was just rambling on and on, god, now I wish I could just erase it, oh well, what's done is done.
  16. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    You did it! You are fighting the fight. :starwars:

    It's not always so much about what you say, just getting it out helps. Trust me, I've left many non-sensical messages for people before. :blink:

    Stay in touch. Do something nice for yourself.

  17. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I will let you know how it goes, thanks for caring and for hanging in there with me today. It means a lot to me to know someone else understands and is out there.
  18. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    Others have done it for me. Glad to give back. You are not alone in this. Remember that, k?

  19. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Well, she called back around 10:30 this morning, but I missed her call, so now we are playing phone tag. Her message was supportive but I don't think I made it clear how bad I am feeling, I always minimize my feelings. I am going to try calling her back now and try to be more clear.
  20. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    Glad you will be talking to her. Maybe tell her that you minimize your feelings and that you are really in a bad space, like never before.

    Hang in there and stay in touch.

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