Never cared for reruns

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ImFine, Aug 5, 2014.

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  1. ImFine

    ImFine Member

    I have PTSD from my childhood. I escaped when I was 17and the state took me in. I learned allot about how to be a part of today's society. Some things I figured out at friends houses. Like: drugs are illegal and some people really didn't touch them. That was odd to me, but I liked it. I liked most things different from what I knew. I have seizures that doctors can't figure out. Either from head trauma or being fed drugs by the adults in my life. There's a higher definition MRI that may help us find out. I am out, but I'm not free. Then I married. A man I knew from school. I gave him everything. He gave me what I was familiar with. Now I'm in the CAP. I have hobbies. I have talent. I am beautiful. The are allot of people who love me. I love many people. I am grateful. The nightmares don't stop. I struggle daily with "staying in the here and now". I forget allot, unfortunately even what were endearing moments with people I love and adore. I guess the monsters need their space, and they've claimed much of me. I am out, but I'm not free. I'm tormented still. It gets so frustrating I get enraged, then I give in, let go. Pacified with nothing... Darkness. Silence. I am not here. Nor are they. Death is the only way it is going to stop. This is my existence. So, I focus on joy. I try to anyway. My situation is better than what I had. But it's always here. I will never forget. It won't let me. I'm happy. It's just... I'm consumed by the darkness of my past. And there's not much happiness there. I understand that one should walk away and not look back. If you should look, you become a pillar of salt, weak and you fall apart. So what if it's always chasing you? What then? I don't want have these feelings. I wanted to leave them with the people that gave them. I know, keep my chin up.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No one cannot run from the demons i found that out one has to face them down get therapy and keep going to therapy so one can keep the demons at bay. All one can really do is to live in the here and now in the moment and enjoy what one has I hope you are receiving support for y our Ptsd in real life as it is hard when the flash back hits us
    No you do not have to keep that chin up if you feel like getting angry and cry then do so ok let out the emotions don't try to hide them behind a mask hugs
     
  3. ImFine

    ImFine Member

    I like that. Thank you.
    I am gettin help.
    I dont know that im runnin from demons. I am frantically trying to leave my past burning behind me, i accept it happend, i dont mind that did. I just want the dissasociating and flashbacks to stop now so i can live and feel like ive really moved on. Its like treking through a thick swamp, it clings to you and slows you down. I could do with out reliving it all as thats when i feel helpless and hopless all over.
     
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    no. you can't say that. you needed all those experiences you have gone through from childhood even though your life has been tougher than the average guys'.
     
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