I have PTSD from my childhood. I escaped when I was 17and the state took me in. I learned allot about how to be a part of today's society. Some things I figured out at friends houses. Like: drugs are illegal and some people really didn't touch them. That was odd to me, but I liked it. I liked most things different from what I knew. I have seizures that doctors can't figure out. Either from head trauma or being fed drugs by the adults in my life. There's a higher definition MRI that may help us find out. I am out, but I'm not free. Then I married. A man I knew from school. I gave him everything. He gave me what I was familiar with. Now I'm in the CAP. I have hobbies. I have talent. I am beautiful. The are allot of people who love me. I love many people. I am grateful. The nightmares don't stop. I struggle daily with "staying in the here and now". I forget allot, unfortunately even what were endearing moments with people I love and adore. I guess the monsters need their space, and they've claimed much of me. I am out, but I'm not free. I'm tormented still. It gets so frustrating I get enraged, then I give in, let go. Pacified with nothing... Darkness. Silence. I am not here. Nor are they. Death is the only way it is going to stop. This is my existence. So, I focus on joy. I try to anyway. My situation is better than what I had. But it's always here. I will never forget. It won't let me. I'm happy. It's just... I'm consumed by the darkness of my past. And there's not much happiness there. I understand that one should walk away and not look back. If you should look, you become a pillar of salt, weak and you fall apart. So what if it's always chasing you? What then? I don't want have these feelings. I wanted to leave them with the people that gave them. I know, keep my chin up.