I haven't posted in a while, I don't like sharing my feelings any more there doesn't seem to be much point, but I need to have a whinge. I don't know if anyone will care but, yeah... nevermind... I'm so fucking tired of always being second best. Anyone who I have feelings for always wants someone else more than me. I don't blame anyone for that, no one can help the way they feel and at least I do actually have people in my life that care. But it just gets me down so much. I've been cheated on in nearly all my relationships and I just don't know why. I'm not that bloody bad. Ok so I'm far from perfect, I'm depressive, I'm quiet, I'm way too intense sometimes. But I'm not a bad person. There's all these people who lie, cheat, beat their partners, and yet they still have someone who loves them. Am I really worse than that? I guess I must be... I try to convince myself that I hate the rest of the human race, but it's the exact opposite. I love so many people, in the sense that I care about them and would do anything I can to protect them and make them happy. Even the person who I'm in love with right now, I could've been angry but where's the point in that? She's happy, that's all that matters. It's just another nail in the coffin, more evidence that I'm just not good enough. Maybe being an eternal runner-up is all I'll ever achieve, if it goes wrong I can get used for sex till the next better person comes along. It's happened before, maybe that's all I'm worth. Maybe I should stop dreaming that I'll ever be needed by someone. I see so many bad things and so much pain in the world, but at the same time there's so much wonder, so much beauty. I just want to share that with someone special, someone who I can give my world to and who I can give all the love in my heart to. And I really do have so much love to give, so much that it feels like my heart will explode with it all. I wish I didn't feel it, I just want to give up. But like a fool I wont, I'll keep getting back up and hoping again. I just can't shake this feeling that I'm fooling myself and it'll never happen.