about 10 days ago on monday i tried to kill myself with an overdose, id just broke up with my gf the night b4 and even tho wed both calmed down in the morning and she took me back i still felt so low and like she didnt really mean it cos of some of the things she said in the night
i didnt succeed and felt really bad for my gf when i started to calm down from the painkillers - we talked that night and patched things up properly but i felt so giulty that i told her what id done and promised her i wouldnt do it again (its the 2nd time ive done it with her and the 3rd time overall) and i told how much i dont want her to find me like that dead in our bed
i feel trapped now cos i cant really open up to how low i feel to her without her thinking im suicidal and when i do feel that way my first instinct is to hide it from her anyway so she cant stop me and it just feels lie shes staying with me to keep me alive not cos she still loves me
today i lost my job, i have 2 other jobs so its not the end of the world but that was the most secure 1 and i lost it cos i was moonlighting anyway and fucking up at my day job, i work harder tan ever b4 for nothing i dont get to spend any money i make and i still end up in debt to my gf and feel like a burden
its her house, everything, if she kicks me out she nows i have nowhere to go and nothing to live for so she wont do it and the only thing stopping me from killing myself now is that i think she will do the same if she finds me or finds out ive done it
i just feel so trapped with nowhere to go, no one to talk to anmore and i feel like im gooing to go crazy if it carries on, dont knkow what to do, half of me doesnt even want to write this cos i dont want counselling again i just got referred or meds and i had really bad experience with medication last time
just to clarify i've been to counselling hundreds of times, the referalls are from counsellor to psychologist to psychiatrist etc, none of them ever seem to make any progress just uncover more issues!
a lot of the time the things they focus on arent major problems for me anymore, but sometimes they cant believe I've had so many issues or things to confront in my life as well as physical problems i've had to overcome.... as soon as they think i'm lying it detioriates pretty quickly
meds were the worst though, got really nauseas everytime and when i went on a type of prozac i nearly lost my mind inside 24 hours.... it felt like all the particles in my head were coming apart and trying to burst out of my skin has anyone else had that experience?
@total eclipse i'm trying not to harm myself anymore - think ill get a new tattoo instead next time i feel like that! i feel the opposite atm, im actually worried about my own health for once..... ive been sick vomitting and diorheaa for 4 days on and off now and have lost a stone i know it was over 2 weeks ago but could it be the od still affecting me? I'm a bit worried