never enough

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Malcontent, Feb 18, 2009.

  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I'm gonna regret being this open but whatever, it's get it out or go loopy.

    ******TRIGGER WARNING******

    I'm never good enough. No matter what I do, no matter how much of a good person I try to be, how kind, reasonable, honest, understanding, strong, reliable it all counts for shit. I could be perfect and it wouldn't matter, I still wouldn't measure up to other guys. Even the most waste of space, cheating low-life imaginable would be preferable to me. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm a freak, a nothing, a mistake. That's what I've been called by someone who pretended to give a shit about me "The Mistake". Just go the whole way and tell me my mother should've had me aborted why don't you. That's the kind of upstanding point of view that gets you far in life - kill anyone who doesn't conform. Whatever you do don't rock the fucking boat, heavens no! Freaks ain't worthy of love, how could anyone even bare to touch me without vomiting. And the funniest thing is I actually think I'm a pretty decent guy, but people have tried to literally beat that thought out of me since I was a 16 year old fucking CHILD! Is it any wonder I can't stand to even look at myself in the mirror any more? Is it any wonder that I cut my chest to ribbons today? But even that's not enough, it wont be until everything wrong about my body is nothing but a mass of scar tissue. People say that I'm an ok guy but then it turns out to be nothing but a lie to get in my pants because they wanted an experimental thrill to brag to their friends about. Yep, I'm a fucking whore. I was told that at 6 years old because obviously a 6 year old can seduce an 18 year old. But y'know what, it's the fucking truth. I'm here to be used, so go ahead and use me. Punch me, kick me, fuck up my head, I'm used to it. Use me for sex and then throw me away cos my feelings are nothing compared to anyone else's. I'm the lowest form of life cos obviously the way I was born was my fault.
  2. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    you shouldnt regret being this open because its best to get it out rather than let it fester away inside of you

    but your not all those negative things that people portray you as at all. people can be so cruel and harsh at times but please dont let yourself dwell on it. by dwelling on it you are letting those horrible people and their negative attiitudes win and you cant let them do that to you. your a hell of a lot better than that and you are strong because instead of taking it out on yourself you took it out on words right here
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Mal :mad:
    Some low life fuckwit no nothings opinion count for nothing :mad:
    Now listen you, :whip: no one wants perfect.
    Can you imagine living with someone who's perfect? My God you'd end up murdering them!
    How about being who you want to be, sod everyone else.
    Seems to me the Mal we have is pretty special, ok he don't talk much and has a whinge every now and then...but who don't.
    Yes people are gonna have issues about stuff, so kick em to the kerb.
    You are who you are, a unique human being and they can take it or leave it...THEIR LOSS!!!
  4. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Totally agree :)
  5. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :hug: Mal :wub:
  6. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni


    I don't know you but I can see you're in beat yourself up mode due to other people's failings, inadequacies and to be blunt plain bloody mindedness. Your feelings are important and it's good that you were able to let them out like this. If you want to chat ever or make a friend, feel free to contact me. Meanwhile - any idiots that feel they can belittle you in any way for whatever reason 'kick em to the kerb' as Terry so aptly says!

  7. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Malbert! You my friend are one of the most amazing guys i know! If anyone tells you different then send them my way and i'll gladly kick them in the bollocks :mad:
  8. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Rob(as that is your name regardless of circumstances)

    You and I have been through a hell of a lot and i mean a hell of a lot. We have had all otu fights and said things out of anger. No matter how that anger was driven and how hurtful things were between us I have never doubted what a wonderful person you are. I'm sorry things between us shit the bed. I blame myself for alot of the downfall. I think things between us were destined to fail no matter how hard we tried to fit the pieces together. While you are a kind hearted person and wish nothing but the best for people, I at times have to be selfish and I hate that about me.

    I don't want you to ever think you are less than anything but the best. I know your past haunts you. I know things will most likely always be at the back of your brain gnawing it's way at you. Don't let the past control your future. You are a beautiful person. People who think otherwise need to be gutted and hung upside down. That's as blunt as I can put it.

    You know that when we all skype you can talk to us. That's what we're here for. I know people have said some buggy things about us and what not after the break up but think about it two years later and we're friends again. Don't let people break you down. They aren't worth it.

    I'm sorry if I ever mad eyou feel less then what you're worth...the best.

    Talk to us if need Rob...okay.
  9. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Thanks folks, your replies really mean a lot (especially from those of you who know me well). Sometimes it just hurts so much that I'll always be "different". It'll always be there, it's a problem that will never go away no matter what I do, and it'll always be a massive vulnerability that I can't hide. But I guess I'll just have to live with it, and the support of good friends makes that easier, thank you.

    Kells, I nearly cried reading that. In a good way though. Even after everything we've been through you're still there for me and I'll never be able to thank you enough for that. And don't blame yourself for anything, if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have had some of the happiest moments of my life.