In terms of intelligence, passion, connection, and capability, I've always been leagues behind everyone. Every time I'm treated like an imbecile as usual and fail at even the simple things people take for granted every day, the few people trying to make me feel better assure me that I'm smart based on my progress in a low standard public education system and an intelligence test that isn't even consistent with itself. Whenever I ask how people get interested in things, how they can get passionate about sports, animals, creating things, etc. they act like I've asked them how they breathe. And when I mention that I have no interests, only things meant to distract me from my misery, immediately the incredulity creeps in - "Ohhh, that can't be true - you just haven't found your thing yet!" The very same incredulity I'm met with when I say there's nothing I've ever been good at. Human connection is yet another thing taken for granted by people. They see family as invaluable, a bond so far above all others that it must be maintained at all cost. I've never seen my family as anything more than a group of people I have to put up with every day so I may continue living in their house since I could never survive on my own. Most advice for dealing with depression seems to always assume that you have friends to hang out with, to stay involved in activities, to talk to when you're down. Throughout my life the only actual friend I've ever had is online, and he's busy leading a highly successful life these days. Relationships, forget about it. Any hope I ever have of accomplishing anything is summarily squashed when I discover it's out of my reach. Any attempt to force myself to enjoy something is just an attempt to pound a square-shaped peg into a circle-shaped hole. Any hope of genuine interaction with people fades when I realize that I have nothing in common with anyone, and that in order to have any healthy communication I must always behave not as I'd prefer to, but how others expect me to behave so they don't feel uncomfortable. Of course, no matter how well you play the part, you're not going to convince a flock of ducks that you're one of them no matter how vigorously you flap your arms and honk. I can communicate with people, but it's not enough to convince them that I'm one of them once they've learned too much about me. And, to top it all off, in the end my pain means nothing. I look across all these mental illness, depression, and suicide boards and see people dealt worse cards than me with PhDs, significant others, friends, etc., their lives just overflowing with success, but not enough to mitigate their pain. It's all too easy to say "don't compare yourself to others", but glancing away from everyone around you, turning a blind eye to the monumental gap between you and everyone else? Not so much. It's also very easy to claim that there is no obvious marker for success and that it's shortsighted to judge as such, in spite of the fact that humans always end up working towards the same ends - bonds with other humans, security in their welfare, recognition of their abilities, and the pursuit of happiness. But, of course, if these successes, these displays of humanity, aren't enough to assuage their low-self esteem and feelings of disconnection, inadequacy, and worthlessness, then what hope do I have? If these things that are so distant as to be little more than fantasy for me, things which could only possibly be granted by divine intervention, then what hope do I have of even convincing myself that I'm human? People look to gods to rescue them from a decaying, corrupt, chaotic world, but all I can see is a world with an unfathomable level of order that these people take for granted every single day, like large schools of fish in small tanks that swim around in tandem without ever bumping into one another. There's a reason "Which one doesn't belong?" is a simple game for Kindergartners - it doesn't take a genius to see that one is not like the others.