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Never felt more alone.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by nevadinova, Dec 15, 2010.

  1. nevadinova

    nevadinova New Member

    I guess I'm posting this because I don't know what else to do. I feel like I have to talk about what I'm going through, but I don't have anyone to talk to. I have friends, but I don't relate to them at all. They don't have any idea what I'm really like, because I never say anything, I just blend. I guess I just need to feel like I've said this stuff out loud; running it through my mind again and again is driving me insane.

    It's been a month now since my girlfriend of four years broke up with me. We clicked like I haven't with anyone else in my life. I've never felt so close to anyone before, not family or friends. We related in every way it felt like, and she could see passed the social weaknesses that others don't. I'm so shy that I can't talk to people I don't know without stuttering, but I don't have a stuttering problem - that's just an example of how socially awkward I am. Yet, somehow she was able to look passed that stuff and see what I'm really like, something no one else seems able to, or interested in, doing. She made me feel genuinely loved for the first time in my life. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this girl, and she would tell me every morning she felt the same way.

    But she didn't. She loved me, but not the way she claimed. I think she felt sorry for me, and I think she believed I could eventually change me to be more like the man she needed. She wanted me to stop abusing substances and staying up late, and she was verbal about it, but never firm. Once in a while, she'd abuse with me. So, I was pretty floored when she quite abruptly broke it off. I begged her to reconsider, to give me a chance to work myself out of my habits. I told her if there was anything that could motivate me to change myself, it was her. But that wasn't good enough, she was very adamant about leaving me. No matter what I said or how I pleaded, she wouldn't consider giving me another chance. All that love she professed before vanished overnight. I thought I understood her, she always seemed to happy to be around me before. I don't know what I did to make her lose interest so quickly.

    It wasn't all awful at first. Being so empathetic, she would still talk to me on the phone, and still stopped by to see how I was and to give me a hug. But I could tell she didn't really want to be there, and it started to hurt more than help. She says she still wants to be good friends, but now she just ignores me when I try to talk to her. She makes up excuses why she couldn't call me back, or why she doesn't write.

    Needless to say, my perception of love and trust has been shattered. I trusted this girl with things about my personal life I wouldn't trust a therapist to know - not that I'd go to therapy. I have absolutely no idea what to think, either she doesn't love me because of the way I behave, or she's become romantically and sexually bored and distant, and doesn't have the guts to tell me.

    I guess it doesn't matter what her reason is, all I care about is being with her, and I can't have it. I don't know how to deal with that. I can't keep begging her, because I really do love her and I want her to be happy. I want her to move on and get a guy that makes her feel the way she deserves. She doesn't want to be with me, and that means the right thing to do is let her go, if I really love her. And I can accept that in my head; I can tell myself I'm doing the right thing and that her happiness is what's important, but it doesn't make the pain go away.

    I used her in an unhealthy way. I needed her the way I need the substances I abuse; the same way I need to get high to feel good, I needed her to get through the day. I needed her in my bed at night to fall asleep. Every night since we've split has felt like a with-drawl. I can't sleep now, I just lay there and stare at the empty spot she used to occupy, and think about the things I could have done differently. Then I start to get angry when I realize I most likely couldn't have done anything. But hatred doesn't work either, I can't hate this girl because she hasn't done anything wrong or malicious to me, she's been nothing but kind and understanding. She's just following her heart, and knowing that is hard to deal with. She doesn't have any more internal romantic feelings for me, and nothing I can do will change that.

    The hardest part about all of this is that when I felt like killing myself, I could talk to her. She understood me completely, and was able to say exactly what I needed to hear to feel better. And, she made me feel genuinely needed in return - she would tell me every day how she couldn't get by without me either. She really made me feel like it was the two of us versus
    the world.

    I feel so pathetic for not being above all of this. But I can't help how I'm feeling. Now, I have no one to hold. I have no one to make me feel like I'm needed. I have no one to hate the world with, it's just me, alone in my room, hating everything by myself. I have no ambition; I'm don't think I'm lazy but I can't get motivated to do anything for myself, as soon as I try to get excited about what I want to do with my life, I remember how bad everything makes me feel. Even things that are supposed to make people feel better just make me feel like shit. I can't get excited because I know that no matter what I do, I'll always feel like this. I always have, and I don't see money changing it. I think it'd just be a new list of bullshit that makes me feel the same way I do now. It makes it really difficult to even get out of my chair.

    A few months before we split, I promised my girlfriend I would never kill myself, no matter what happened. She promised the same. So, as much as I want to go through with it every day, I can't. I don't have narcissistic notions that she'd kill herself or be put in some great despair the rest of her life if I broke my promise, but she does have enough empathy that it would hurt her, which I can't do. Also, she did promise not to kill herself, which I fully expect her to live up to. (No pun intended)

    What am I supposed to do? I can't love her anymore, but I can't bring myself to hate her either. The whole situation makes me feel pathetic, I'm typing out my life story because I can't cope and don't know what else I can do to keep my mind from snapping, while she's at home right now, probably sleeping in comfortably. I'm not on her mind anymore, and it's destroying me to know it. None of this is affecting her the way it is me, and it makes me want to die like nothing else has before. It's all just so pathetic. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, it's like I just watch myself do things, instead of actually deciding to do them. I'm sorry for wasting space with this post, I don't know who I expect to actually read all of this crap. I don't like diaries, because it feels so pointless. This was somehow relieving though.

    If anyone has gone through something similar and needs to talk, I'd love to get in touch with someone that can relate. Anyone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2010
  2. victor

    victor Account Closed

    well, i did read this crap as u say, lol and it sounds soooo me a month or so ago
    i understand exactly how u feel, unfortunatelly im not that good at giving advices:( talk to moderator CatherineC, shes the person who made me understand all this a bit more when i was in this situation
    what i can say -love cant live one way, k? which means, if she doesnt love u, it aint real, and if it aint real - just fuck it. i know ure shaking ur head now thinking ive now clue what im talkin about, coz u know that it is REAL AND FOREVER, but trust me, if its only one way, than its not. i do know what im talking about.
    but i dont know u, nor her nor reasons why she left u. what do u mean by 'abusing substances'? if its weed once a week its o.k, but if its coce every nite, obviously she'd run away.dont beg her to come back. thats aint gonna work and ull just make her feel miserable. instead, fight 4 it. get ur shit together, stop sniffing coce or whatever u do n get over ur issues. 4 her and 4 ur future. then, if she really loves u she will see how hard u try she'll come back. if she doesnt - just fuck it, at least u tried. sittin home n crying aint gonna help, thats 4 sure. yeh? and theres never better time to start trying then NOW. right this mutherfuckin moment. throw all ur weed away. thats a test 4 u as well - do u love her enough to become a better person? good luck man, n im always here
  3. nevadinova

    nevadinova New Member

    I keep coming to the same answer myself, that I should work to make myself someone she can fall in love with again. The problem is that I don't know what she wants. I think she wants to move on, and it makes me feel like a stalker to try to change my whole life style just to try to win back a girl who doesn't really seem interested in trying again. I don't really understand entirely, as I said, why she wanted to end such a serious relationship so abruptly. I suspect she was dishonest about how attached she was, I think I was more of a project to be fixed to her than a partner. But she did a good job of making me feel like she really needed me before she suddenly broke it off.

    I don't just smoke pot, I do it ALL. I guess I'm not addicted to any one drug (maybe weed, I don't like to go even a day without getting stoned.) but I feel like I have to do SOMETHING to get through most nights. I didn't need that when I had her, I just smoked pot once in a while. I'm the most weak-willed person I know. But none of the stuff I do gives me with-drawls like she does. It's ironic that she's the one thing I can't just get off my mind by pumping myself full of drugs.

    And I do realize how immature it seems to act like I'll never be in love again, or that I'll never find anyone that makes me feel like she could. I've just always had this stupid fantasy, since I was a kid, that I'd meet the girl of my dreams early in my life, and we'd always be together, with unconditional love. Pretty stupid. I can't help it though. I really wish I was above that kind of thing, I always though of myself as too smart to put all of my faith into some intangible concept like that.

    I guess a taste of the dream was better than never having met her at all. But I don't know.
  4. victor

    victor Account Closed

    i know what u mean bud n i feel the same. it aint stupid, k?
    now, u dont know the reasons why exactly she left. if she doesnt tell u, stalking her wont help. i tried this lol when my girl would disapear, i would call her until she'd eventually pick up. 50 times in a row, and when she'd realise i wont stop she would pick up eventually. but my case is different, coz she would just simply disapear, not that she'd tell me she doesnt want me or anything. just boom and shes gone, there was such phase at some point lol. so i had no choise. but urs, she told u she doesnt want u. o.k, fine, give her time and space, dont try to change her mind. its hers decision in the end anyway. but just try and sort urself out! perhaps she loves u but its to hard 4 her to put up with all ur bullshit. stop drugs, itll just fuck u up even more, and it doesnt even help as u said it urself. so whats the point??
    just stop this shit, write down the points u could change bout urself and start workin on that slowly. n no need to even tell her that ure doin this or that. just do it. n next time u meet her on the street u can just mention 'oh and btw, i quit drugs and started goin to the gym, and im doin well, u know'
    she'll be thinkin 'now this mutherfucker is doin really well without me, uh?' lol she might realise shes the one whos losing out in the end, if u know what i mean
    just be strong and take a step at the time and have some faith, and do ur very best, and everythings gonna be alright, ull see
  5. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Victor is right, but don't get so broken up about one girl. You have this image in your mind of falling in love with the girl just for you, but that's not reality. Reality is that there're many girls out there, and it's near impossible to find the perfect one. This isn't hollywood.

    Best of luck to you.
  6. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    You need to get a little more clinical with this, not cold exactly, but a little more logical.

    There are 6.6 billion people on this planet.


    Do you honestly think there is nobody else? Honestly?

    I was head over heels for a guy years ago, thought I would never find anyone else. He broke it off and I was devastated, it was how I found this forum in fact! I wanted to kill myself over it I was that in love.

    Job circumstances meant I had to go out and meet more people. As I met more and more interesting people the spell he had over me definately began to wear off, memories were getting less painful and more clear...I realised with clarity that he wasn't the person I built up in my head. I would remember stuff that SHOULD have annoyed me at the time about him but didn't due to love.

    The good thing about love is that contrary to a lot of stupid, daft romantics say, is that if the person is a big enough prick....IT. WEARS. OFF. Believe me does it EVER wear off!!!

    No matter how in love you think you are with the ex, there is a 1 in 6.6 billion chance that you will never find someone that will make you feel better. Pretty slim chance I say. Now that she is not occupying a lot of your time, if you hang on long enough you will find someone that will make you look back at this girl and think "I'm glad she left, I'm happier now."

    Ignore the romantacizing idiots, who will inevitably tell you that you never fall out of love if it's real. The realist of REAL love will wear off if things go wrong.

    If Romeo suddenly turned into a sheep-raping sadist (for want of a better example) I would be confident in betting that Juliet would fall out of, or at least question her love for him, despite being so in love with him in the past. She must have done stuff that got to you, the fact that she felt sorry for you and dated you regardless says to me straight away she lacks backbone and honesty, there's two traits right there I have picked that are terrible and I don't even know her! Not to mention she was trying to change you....manipulative much?

    Not to be insulting, I'm just illustrating to you that she isn't the perfect person you have tricked yourself into thinking she is...snap out of it!

    It will wear off trust me. Be safe, and PM me if you want to talk. Hope this helped.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 18, 2011
  7. hideousman

    hideousman Member

    don't change your habits or whatever it is that you think would make her love you more. if you have to drastically change yourself, then what was it that she fell in "love" with to start?
    everybody deserves to be loved for what they are, not what they could potentially become.
    while your habits may not be the healthiest thing in your life (or for relationships) you have to be the one who decided to stop.
    god knows I can't say that I go to sleep early or don't indulge every now and again, hell it's 2 AM and i'm posting on suicideforum...
    what you ought to do is get to know yourself. why you do the things you do? what you want out of life? what do you like about yourself? what do YOU think you need to change about yourself?
    again, i could be wrong but based on my own experiences im guessing that you miss having someone to love you, not her specifically?
    you'll move on, just give it time and try to spend that time figuring out what you need, what you like about yourself and what you don't.
    don't dwell on some girl who wasn't willing to put enough into the relationship. You may be upset that i refer to her as "some girl" and not "the one", but she's clearly not the one, otherwise she would have continued building your relationship.
    in conclusion:
    girls (can) suck. don't dwell on it. you're worth more than someone who walks out on you. go find that person who deserves your love. love the shit outta them and be happy with your new, genuine relationship.

    you're going to be alright, just take it one day at a time