I guess I'm posting this because I don't know what else to do. I feel like I have to talk about what I'm going through, but I don't have anyone to talk to. I have friends, but I don't relate to them at all. They don't have any idea what I'm really like, because I never say anything, I just blend. I guess I just need to feel like I've said this stuff out loud; running it through my mind again and again is driving me insane. It's been a month now since my girlfriend of four years broke up with me. We clicked like I haven't with anyone else in my life. I've never felt so close to anyone before, not family or friends. We related in every way it felt like, and she could see passed the social weaknesses that others don't. I'm so shy that I can't talk to people I don't know without stuttering, but I don't have a stuttering problem - that's just an example of how socially awkward I am. Yet, somehow she was able to look passed that stuff and see what I'm really like, something no one else seems able to, or interested in, doing. She made me feel genuinely loved for the first time in my life. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this girl, and she would tell me every morning she felt the same way. But she didn't. She loved me, but not the way she claimed. I think she felt sorry for me, and I think she believed I could eventually change me to be more like the man she needed. She wanted me to stop abusing substances and staying up late, and she was verbal about it, but never firm. Once in a while, she'd abuse with me. So, I was pretty floored when she quite abruptly broke it off. I begged her to reconsider, to give me a chance to work myself out of my habits. I told her if there was anything that could motivate me to change myself, it was her. But that wasn't good enough, she was very adamant about leaving me. No matter what I said or how I pleaded, she wouldn't consider giving me another chance. All that love she professed before vanished overnight. I thought I understood her, she always seemed to happy to be around me before. I don't know what I did to make her lose interest so quickly. It wasn't all awful at first. Being so empathetic, she would still talk to me on the phone, and still stopped by to see how I was and to give me a hug. But I could tell she didn't really want to be there, and it started to hurt more than help. She says she still wants to be good friends, but now she just ignores me when I try to talk to her. She makes up excuses why she couldn't call me back, or why she doesn't write. Needless to say, my perception of love and trust has been shattered. I trusted this girl with things about my personal life I wouldn't trust a therapist to know - not that I'd go to therapy. I have absolutely no idea what to think, either she doesn't love me because of the way I behave, or she's become romantically and sexually bored and distant, and doesn't have the guts to tell me. I guess it doesn't matter what her reason is, all I care about is being with her, and I can't have it. I don't know how to deal with that. I can't keep begging her, because I really do love her and I want her to be happy. I want her to move on and get a guy that makes her feel the way she deserves. She doesn't want to be with me, and that means the right thing to do is let her go, if I really love her. And I can accept that in my head; I can tell myself I'm doing the right thing and that her happiness is what's important, but it doesn't make the pain go away. I used her in an unhealthy way. I needed her the way I need the substances I abuse; the same way I need to get high to feel good, I needed her to get through the day. I needed her in my bed at night to fall asleep. Every night since we've split has felt like a with-drawl. I can't sleep now, I just lay there and stare at the empty spot she used to occupy, and think about the things I could have done differently. Then I start to get angry when I realize I most likely couldn't have done anything. But hatred doesn't work either, I can't hate this girl because she hasn't done anything wrong or malicious to me, she's been nothing but kind and understanding. She's just following her heart, and knowing that is hard to deal with. She doesn't have any more internal romantic feelings for me, and nothing I can do will change that. The hardest part about all of this is that when I felt like killing myself, I could talk to her. She understood me completely, and was able to say exactly what I needed to hear to feel better. And, she made me feel genuinely needed in return - she would tell me every day how she couldn't get by without me either. She really made me feel like it was the two of us versus the world. I feel so pathetic for not being above all of this. But I can't help how I'm feeling. Now, I have no one to hold. I have no one to make me feel like I'm needed. I have no one to hate the world with, it's just me, alone in my room, hating everything by myself. I have no ambition; I'm don't think I'm lazy but I can't get motivated to do anything for myself, as soon as I try to get excited about what I want to do with my life, I remember how bad everything makes me feel. Even things that are supposed to make people feel better just make me feel like shit. I can't get excited because I know that no matter what I do, I'll always feel like this. I always have, and I don't see money changing it. I think it'd just be a new list of bullshit that makes me feel the same way I do now. It makes it really difficult to even get out of my chair. A few months before we split, I promised my girlfriend I would never kill myself, no matter what happened. She promised the same. So, as much as I want to go through with it every day, I can't. I don't have narcissistic notions that she'd kill herself or be put in some great despair the rest of her life if I broke my promise, but she does have enough empathy that it would hurt her, which I can't do. Also, she did promise not to kill herself, which I fully expect her to live up to. (No pun intended) What am I supposed to do? I can't love her anymore, but I can't bring myself to hate her either. The whole situation makes me feel pathetic, I'm typing out my life story because I can't cope and don't know what else I can do to keep my mind from snapping, while she's at home right now, probably sleeping in comfortably. I'm not on her mind anymore, and it's destroying me to know it. None of this is affecting her the way it is me, and it makes me want to die like nothing else has before. It's all just so pathetic. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, it's like I just watch myself do things, instead of actually deciding to do them. I'm sorry for wasting space with this post, I don't know who I expect to actually read all of this crap. I don't like diaries, because it feels so pointless. This was somehow relieving though. If anyone has gone through something similar and needs to talk, I'd love to get in touch with someone that can relate. Anyone.