Never felt this way in my entire life...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JDW4EVER, Dec 21, 2007.

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    JDW4EVER New Member

    So..Here goes

    In June of 06 I found the love of my life. She came into the place I used to work, one thing led to another and we were together. This past sept, she decided to break up with me. Her reasons were that I never show her any emotion and the fact that I had yet to tell her that I loved her.

    Although I've been in numerous relationships before, the feelings I'm having since she broke up with me are crazy. I have no idea what this girl did to me, but I am so crazy in love with her, its kinda scary. I felt like my heart slammed against a wall knowing I might never be with her again. I cry myself to sleep just about everynight. I do sales for a living and my sales have greatly decreased because I'm so depressed over her.

    Theres alot more about my feelings that I don't feel like typing. I've just never ever felt this much pain and suffering in my entire life. Everyday I'm driving to work I wish someone would wreck into me just so she would come see me and worry about me.

    About 2 months ago I actually went and bought a gun, I was 100% ready to make the ultimate sacrifice. I actually sent a picture of the gun through a text message to her then I shut my phone off. Luckily within minutes of leaving the gun store, my current Boss called me. He had just bought a quad off ebay and needed me and my truck to drive a few hours away to pick it up.

    Next thing I know, I'm 3 hours from home loading a quad in the back of my truck and all a sudden I get sourrounded by cop cars. Little did I guess, my ex G/F did a 3-way onstar call with the state police (I drive a brand new silverado) and had them track my truck through GPS. I had the gun with me but un-loaded. I also had a box of bullets but they were locked in my trucks storage thing. The cops let me go because I completely lied to them about my intentions with the gun.

    The following week, I re-sold the gun back to the place I bought it. Soon to follow, my ex G/F and I were hanging out again, kissing, sex, etc... Then all a sudden she wants nothing to do with again for absolutely no reason. Its like she intentionally plays with my emotions and throws me in so many different directions. Its like no matter what she does to me or how rude she is, it doesn't bother me. I'd give anything in the world to have her back in my arms.

    She's the ultimate caring person, she always took care of me with everything. She's so incredibly beautiful and I miss having her in my arms. I tried going to talk with a therapist but I hated it. They make me so damn angry.

    Guess what I'm here to say or explain is that I am still HIGHLY considering ending it all. The pain I go through everyday, the amount of crying I do, its all way to much for me to handle anymore. I can't move on without her, she means way to much to me. I just feel like it would be so much better if I weren't around anymore.

    She told me a few weeks ago that I could spend xmas with her. She made me promise a $150 limit on gifts. Of course I didn't listen. I have a new $1450 Pink dell labtop for her, a $1200 dollar diamond necklace, and tons of other little things. The only thing that makes me happy is doing things for her, AKA spending money. I'm really hoping she stands to her words about being with her on xmas. If I call her xmas morning and she doesn't want me there, I am really really afraid of what I might do.
  2. aqaq22

    aqaq22 Well-Known Member

    Ever, if you are like most people, when it comes to love, you'll do what you'll do regardless of what even you know is in your best interest. ie, we all learn our own lessons in our own ways. Having said the obvious...I'll ask you this...

    What do you think she was doing when she did this...........

    How do you interpret what she was trying to say to you?

    Here's what you do.

    If you do, in fact, love her. TELL HER. But, without the $$$$$$$$$$$$$ gifts!!

    See what she does/says after you tell her you love her (again, only if you do).

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 21, 2007
  3. aqaq22

    aqaq22 Well-Known Member

    The reason you need to tell her w/out the gifts, is...

    you do not want a relationship that you must buy in order to keep. (take it from one who's been there and done that). If she's needs to move on, she's gonna go at some point, no matter how much $$ you throw at her, at least, mine did, after the fact.

    At this point, she's told you she wants out. Although, she did say "I'll let you spend Christmas with me". (that's a real self-esteem booster...NOT)

    Get honest with each other. She may really mean what she says!! My wife did!

    And, if she isn't receptive, ie, she TRULY wants out. LET HER GO! No woman is worth killin' your self over. There's just to many of 'em out there for there not to be any other woman that you can love, and HER LOVE YOU BACK!!

    IF my experience is applies at will get over her. You can, and will, live without her. I bought the gun, wills, etc.. the whole show too. (at the end of a long marrage).

    After the pain? The chase if half the fun buddy. I make it a point to get rejected everyday now. lol it's fun!! once you learn that it's what you are learning you want, and don't want.

    good luck...enjoy your xmas!
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 21, 2007
  4. Random

    Random Well-Known Member


    I want to try and post something I think may be helpful without seeming harsh or rude. So if it sounds that way, it isn't meant to be. I hope it can be helpful for you.

    First of all, the thing with the gun is something that would freak anyone out. I'm not gonna beat up on you about it. I'm just gonna say that isn't the kind of communication you send out if you want a future relationship with this person.

    Have you tried just communicating with her in plain English? Telling her how you actually feel? If you can't verbally say "I love you", why not just write her a letter? Some people are better at expressing themselves in writing. You seem to have no problems doing so. It's a little easier if you can just write what you feel and send it and you don't have to look them in the eye as you say it.

    Here's the deal. You love her. Obviously. So tell her you love her. Even if you have to do it in writing. Tell her how you feel about her. Don't talk about offing yourself but apologize for the incident with the gun. She may have taken it as a threat to her safety. Explain to her that it wasn't a threat. If you must, tell her that you were having suicidal thoughts but they have passed and you've gotten rid of the gun. You most likely scared the bejesus out of her.

    I think she just wanted to hear you say you loved her. That's a big thing with a woman. They need to hear you say it. It's not enough to drop hints and beat around the bush. It's not enough to spend money on them. They want specific communication.

    I'm not promising any of this will do any good. But it may still be possible to have a healthy, happy relationship with her. But don't get angry and do anything stupid if she rejects you. You will have to try and move on. I know it's hard. Believe me. I know how bad it hurts. The first time a girl I loved broke up with me, I was devastated. I spent endless hours trying to figure out what I could say to her to make her change her mind and take me back. It just couldn't be over. But it was. There was nothing I could have done. Sometimes life is like that. It took me several years to get over that girl. Literally. I still think about her sometimes. But you can get past it if you have to. It's very hard at first but it gets easier.

    It sounds like you're an attractive guy with a good job. There will be other opportunities for love for you. But not if you let a few setbacks destroy you. Sometimes you just have to pick up the pieces and push on. It's not easy but there can be smooth sailing ahead. Just make sure you try and learn from your mistakes. We all make mistakes. They often hurt but they're a good learning tool if you look at them constructively.

    So. Here's what I would do. Pick a time to sit down at your computer and write down your feelings. Keep in mind that this is a letter you want to send to her so don't say anything that you think might freak her out. But just be honest. Spend as much time as you like. Don't send it until you're satisfied. Read it and reread it. How would you interpret it if someone sent it to you? You might even want to wait to send it for a day or two after you're done. So you can have time to think about what you've said in relation to what you wanted to say.

    One big precaution. DON'T tell her you can't live without her. It might not seem like a scary thing to say but it is.

    Once you've sent it, be patient. Give her time to read it and think. Don't pester her. Let her make her own decisions. She'll either respond favorably or she won't. If she doesn't, at least you tried. You did everything you could. It just wasn't meant to be.

    But in the end, don't kill yourself over a girl, man. Seriously. There are so many things in life that are so much worse. Unrequited love is rough but it's survivable. You're worth more than that.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 21, 2007

    JDW4EVER New Member

    I appreciate all the good words. I talked to her today and now she definitly won't see me on xmas. I guess this is it. I stopped and bought her a 3-stone $4800 dollar ring. I'm gonna drop it off @ her house xmas morning along with everything else. The ring hopefully she will wear to always remember me by.

    I'm signing off.

  6. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    How did the conversation go? What did you say? What did she say? It would be cool if you keep talking to us. Let us know what's happening. Feel free to keep posting if you need to talk to someone.
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