I'm 30, and I've never had a real relationship. What little I've had has been horrifically abusive. I've never had a kiss that I didn't feel pressured into, and I've never had consensual sex. I'm a lesbian, and I have both physical and emotional sexual dysfunction (even just by myself) that I think would make a physically intimate relationship difficult. Most of my abusers were female, so I am also just triggered and anxious about the idea of sexual contact. I'm also not fun...not at all. People say I'm really funny, but like...depression destroyed all my hobbies, so when people ask me what I do for fun or to name an interesting fact about myself, I'm just like "..." I'm also not that good looking. I'm struggling to lose the last 20 pounds of weight gained on some shitty antidepressants a few years ago (I've already lost 35), and I don't feel like *me* with the extra weight.
I also just have so many issues that a partner isn't going to understand. I'm a survivor of complex trauma that went on up until very recently, and that's never not going to be a part of me. The abuse was so extreme, and I want to be able to share some of it with my partner, but many people don't even believe me when I tell even the basic aspects of my story. I thought I had a partner who really understood a while back, but then she became a domestic abuser, so that was that. I haven't dated on any level since 2011, when that relationship went south. I still have feelings for a past abuser, and just...ugh. Beyond that, I have DID, and I worry how that will affect things.
When I was a teenager, I worried no one would love me, and people were like "Oh, give it time," but I have given it time. I have been optimistic (in the past). I have gone about it with a decent attitude, and nothing.
I also just have so many issues that a partner isn't going to understand. I'm a survivor of complex trauma that went on up until very recently, and that's never not going to be a part of me. The abuse was so extreme, and I want to be able to share some of it with my partner, but many people don't even believe me when I tell even the basic aspects of my story. I thought I had a partner who really understood a while back, but then she became a domestic abuser, so that was that. I haven't dated on any level since 2011, when that relationship went south. I still have feelings for a past abuser, and just...ugh. Beyond that, I have DID, and I worry how that will affect things.
When I was a teenager, I worried no one would love me, and people were like "Oh, give it time," but I have given it time. I have been optimistic (in the past). I have gone about it with a decent attitude, and nothing.
If youāre not āmotivatedā by the idea, it will be difficult to find someone. But you do deserve love. Learn to appreciate yourself first, cause it will be harder for someone else to see what a great person you are if you donāt show them. Hugs 