I am never good enough, never skinny enough, never happy enough. I don´t take things serious enough, or keep in touch. I don´t know why, but at some point in life I lost all meaning, self confidence and happiness. I am a waste of space, there is nothing left for me. I find no pleasure in anything anymore. I know I am supposed to be proud that I made it to be a doctor, but I feel like it isnt good enough.. I know I might look like a success to some people. But not to me. Because I know what they don´t, I know I´m fooling them, the system, my family. I am not smart, or pretty, or funny. I have no qualities. Right now the hole I´m in seems so deep that no rope could reach me. But I do wonder sometimes, if I did get help, would it help me? Would talking to a psychiatrist do anything for me, or would it make me worse? Do I need medication for my depression, or am I managing the best I can on my own? Nobody can really answer these questions for me, I am merely thinking out loud. Would I be happy if I was skinny, beautiful and had a boyfriend? Or would I still doubt myself as much as I do now.. I think I would.. I think it´s inside me, not really dependent on external factors. I have the tools to die, but I still don´t see that as the best solution. Not tonight. Tonight is just another night to cry, and wish that life was just easy, and happy.