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Never, in a million years

#1
I'm going to start slow (which may indicate I am meticulous) and only slightly thinking about suicide.

I am not young. I have lived for half a century. I always thought suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem (my dad's words to my sister 35 years ago,) but I am reaching a breaking point and I have no one to talk to about it.

I never, ever thought I would be Google searching ways to take my life but it just feels like that would end my pain and stress and humiation.
 
#4
Hi

Welcome to the forum. We are friendly bunch, have a look around it's often helpful reading about people who find themselves in similar positions.No rush to share but we are head to listen when your ready.

Elf
Half my problem is that I am so sensitive that
Thank you, both. I have spent some time now reading other testimonials here on these forums. Some have made me cry like a child (part of my problem is I am too damn sensative,) others, honestly, have snapped me out of it. Thinking, stop your whining! I know. Not helpful. I do apologize.

Hi. My name is Gruffles and I have serious thoughts of suicide.

I don't want to.
 
#5
I don't know how I managed to triple quote, but I really do wish I could take my seemingly insensitive words back. I am starting to feel like a complete loser right now.

I sincerely apologize
 
#7
What problems are you facing that you want to die? There is always a solution to any problem. Perhaps you can reveal more to folks out here.
What problems are you facing that you want to die...

Wow. You put it so bluntly. I'm guessing you are bad cop. Don't get me wrong. I totally dig your approach. lol
 
#9
Ok. Why am I hear. Why would I think about taking my own life when I have an 18 yr and 14 yr old son?

I have so much regret in my life. I feel like there is no way out of an endless cycle of failure. Further, nobody wants to hear from the pathetic ramblings of a complete adult who should otherwise just be getting on with his life.

I have spent a lifetime learning useless and otherwise meaningless knowledge only to find myself completely left behind. I feel while I am very, very adapt and intelligent, no one really set me up for social skills.

Bam. Suddenly I am married I have two children and I have no idea what I am doing. I want to be there for my boys b ut my ex-wife is so much more in control that I start to feel like a loser.

It has reached a point that even my sister, father, Nd brother-in-law are starting to look at me like a lover.

A complete failure.

Jesus. F that felt good. I guess this is why you made this forum. Lol.

I am not writing of why I ended up here. But crick, a couple hours in and things are starting to become more clear.
 
#10
P.S. this is one of those sites you really want to take pause and proof read your posts. There is no going back after you hit send lol
 
#11
I need to reach out for physical help. I have a few issues that are otherwise devastating to myself and my psychy. Nothing bad. I've never hurt anyone, other than myself.

There are things my family just would understand. Mentally. Today, for the first time in my life. I looked up painless ways to end it all. It brought me to you guys.

I have ranted on, on and off, for a couple of hours. So you believe in angels?
 
#12
I am so f ing depressed that I literally cry like a baby at just the most sensitive things. It's been like this for years... decades even.

After coming here I am finally addressing this stuff internally. I am totally embarrassed being here. Like I am weak. I couldn't hack it.

Some how just being able to unload on complete strangers has tilted my rudders.

I am truly sorry I barged in here like a whiney little school boy, but that's how I have felt for far too long.

God Bless You. (I'm clearly not even th a t religious.)
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#13
welcome to SF @Gruffles we are a peer community that cares but never judges. there are no cops or doctors looking at what people say. we have no way to find you anyhow and it was set up that way so people would feel safe posting. as you get to know us you'll realize you can say almost anything, there are only a few rules to keep everyone safe.

i found this place looking for painless ways to commit suicide that would look like an accident. i was ready to go but SF saved my life, without them i'd be dead. i still have issues that make me think of it but i keep fighting. i'm 63 so i know how it feels to get older. i have made some bad mistakes in my life but i'm not a loser and neither are you. you should't look back and question things you did, you should look forward to what you are going to do.

you have two sons that need you. try to keep on going and never give up. someone is always here if you need to talk to someone.

mike..*hug*shake
 

GMody

Well-Known Member
#14
Ya. Your sons need you. Your death particularly suicide will devastate them. Moreover they may blame themselves for your extreme step. I would suggest you see a good therapist. Also meet psychologist. If you suspect you have depression please see a doctor. Best wishes.
 
#15
Hi Gruffles,
Please know that you aren’t alone. I can completely relate to the feelings of regret and failure. In my case it is deserved, I have done some awful things in my life and I just don’t know how to move forward. I don’t even know if I am meant to move forward - was my realisation of how I have been my wake up call to end it all? If someone could just tell me what to do! I just want some peace and imagining my death gives me that for a moment. I never in a million years thought I would end up posting on a forum like this.
from your posts I think you sound like a great person and your family especially your sons would miss you terribly if you did anything to yourself.
 

lifetalkz

Well-Known Member
#16
Hi Gruffles-Firstly, I relate so much to what you've written. Those were my thoughts and feelings many years ago. But I never had children. I made the conscious decision to never be a parent because I knew that I couldn't stand the guilt that I would feel for bringing another miserable soul into the world. I felt like an absolute loser and failure ( just like you). It truly was my "dark night of the soul", but it wasn't just one night, it was weeks bleeding into months bleeding into years with no hope in sight. I want to share with you now a thought that helped me turn that all important corner into feeling hopeful instead of hopeless. The thought was that I would follow in the footsteps of the masters.

I became deeply religious at one point because I believed that God had put a curse on my life. Then I started reading about the great thinkers (masters of consciousness) who had lived on this earth. I even studied Shakespeare for several years...I realized how brilliant he was at describing and dismantling human suffering. I was a human suffering, thinking constantly about my own end, in truth I just wanted to put an end to my suffering. I started studying the teachings of Buddha, Jesus, Gandhi, Krishnamurti and many other great masters who have passed through this life and on to the next. They devoted their entire lives to putting an end to human suffering, I decided to devote the rest of MY life, to putting an end to my own suffering. That's exactly what I did.

I know a lot about this place that you find yourself in-you're overwhelmed and that never helps, it only hurts. When you're surrounded by unresolved issues-in the end no issues are ever resolved. It is necessary sometimes to just focus on one issue at a time-the other ones will wait. I found it helpful to start with small unresolved issues then built up gradually to the larger ones. The other huge piece of my puzzle was cultivating an attitude of compassion for my self and my own suffering. Like you-I was not a bad person, I was a very fragile, sensitive person who had ended up alone for many reasons (some known-some unknown). Things can get so much better in your life. Try hard to be kind to yourself-and PM me if you think I could be of any help. God bless you-LT
 

Nick

☆☆Still Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#17
Hey @Gruffles first welcome to SF

I never, ever thought I would be Google searching ways to take my life but it just feels like that would end my pain and stress and humiation.
A lot of us can relate to this. I ended up here the exact same way. Crash landed here when I was searching for a better way to die. That's a horrible place to be in. I remember the feeling of hoping to find something, anything, that would end the pain. Know you are in good company, and many of us can at least get what that's like.

I have spent a lifetime learning useless and otherwise meaningless knowledge only to find myself completely left behind. I feel while I am very, very adapt and intelligent, no one really set me up for social skills.
This resonates with me on so many levels. I've got the book smarts, but I never developed the social skills either. That feeling of be thrust into a world where you just can't seem to break past the basics of communication. It feels lonely, isolating and for me it makes me feel utterly inept. It makes all your accomplishments feel like they aren't enough because you still lack that ability to make human connection.

You know that isn't true though. Anything you have accomplished in your life IS enough. It's hard to see it, because there is this other part of your life, but those things are good at are worth it.

I am totally embarrassed being here. Like I am weak. I couldn't hack it.
There is NOTHING to be embarrassed about. It takes so much strength to reach out. Reaching out here is a sign of strength, not weakness. Life is hard. Getting to that point where you don't know how to cope with it anymore it's weak, it's just reaching a breaking point.

I hope you continue to post and hang out with us.

*ps I fixed some of your posts for you. If you ever want something edited after the editing period has expired just hit report on it and let us know what you want fixed and we'll get it for you. I know, it's a bit of a pain.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#18
I don't know how I managed to triple quote, but I really do wish I could take my seemingly insensitive words back. I am starting to feel like a complete loser right now.

I sincerely apologize
You're not a loser. It's those negative thoughts lying to you. I hope that you can find some peace and comfort and even eventually humor here at SF @Gruffles
 

KM76710

SWCA3110-SWHF625
SF Supporter
#20
Hello and welcome. No need to be embarrassed about being here and nothing weak in being here. I hope that you stick around and join in.
 

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