Hi Gruffles-Firstly, I relate so much to what you've written. Those were my thoughts and feelings many years ago. But I never had children. I made the conscious decision to never be a parent because I knew that I couldn't stand the guilt that I would feel for bringing another miserable soul into the world. I felt like an absolute loser and failure ( just like you). It truly was my "dark night of the soul", but it wasn't just one night, it was weeks bleeding into months bleeding into years with no hope in sight. I want to share with you now a thought that helped me turn that all important corner into feeling hopeful instead of hopeless. The thought was that I would follow in the footsteps of the masters.
I became deeply religious at one point because I believed that God had put a curse on my life. Then I started reading about the great thinkers (masters of consciousness) who had lived on this earth. I even studied Shakespeare for several years...I realized how brilliant he was at describing and dismantling human suffering. I was a human suffering, thinking constantly about my own end, in truth I just wanted to put an end to my suffering. I started studying the teachings of Buddha, Jesus, Gandhi, Krishnamurti and many other great masters who have passed through this life and on to the next. They devoted their entire lives to putting an end to human suffering, I decided to devote the rest of MY life, to putting an end to my own suffering. That's exactly what I did.
I know a lot about this place that you find yourself in-you're overwhelmed and that never helps, it only hurts. When you're surrounded by unresolved issues-in the end no issues are ever resolved. It is necessary sometimes to just focus on one issue at a time-the other ones will wait. I found it helpful to start with small unresolved issues then built up gradually to the larger ones. The other huge piece of my puzzle was cultivating an attitude of compassion for my self and my own suffering. Like you-I was not a bad person, I was a very fragile, sensitive person who had ended up alone for many reasons (some known-some unknown). Things can get so much better in your life. Try hard to be kind to yourself-and PM me if you think I could be of any help. God bless you-LT