Never mind...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rukia, Jan 18, 2007.

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  1. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    Never mind me, I just need to get this out.

    I was supposed to die this weekend, have planned it for months, but now I’m not sure anymore. All I know is that I can’t trust myself at the moment. Told a friend about it yesterday, finally, and she wants to be there for me. But she’s going to take me to psych ward if she thinks I’m loosing it. I can’t go there, not this weekend. I have to make it through myself, have to stay strong, or else I’ll loose myself forever. She doesn’t understand that, so I can’t tell her how I feel anymore.

    Was thinking about staying with a male online friend, to let him help me to stay alive, but my friends keep telling me that he would take advantage of the situation and abuse me. Don’t know what to think anymore. My mind is so messed up right now, not even sure of what I’m writing.

    I guess I’m going to rely on the survival instinct, and keep to myself all weekend. It’s safe in one way, because I won’t get triggered by anything. And no one needs to see me like the monster I become when I loose control. But I’ll be on my own. I haven’t been strong enough before, hopefully I’m stronger this time. Sure doesn’t feel like it.

    This will most likely be the last weekend in my life. It’s a bit sad. I know it will hurt my friends and family, but they’ll get over it. They’ll be better of without me. I’m actually feeling good about leaving again, guess I’m not going to fight it that much. :smile:

    If I actually get through this weekend, I’m going to get my head examined, start taking care of my body again, and do my homework to get good grades. After a while I might be able to help people on here. If I get through this, I’ll get through everything.
  2. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    Well you are still here at least. I know that gives the rest of us hope that we can hang on too. Whether you realize it or not you ARE helping others just by posting your true feelings here. This place saved my life a couple weeks back when I thought I could not go on. If everyone starts actually going thru with it (suicide) there will be no one here for the future people in trouble to talk with. When I am down and out I don't need someone to sugar coat everything and tell me it's all going to be ok. I need someone who can just listen and relate and encourage and someone to accept me with all my flaws, and that's what people do here. Please hang on and stay with us, we need you.
  3. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    I think deep down you're in desperate need of reassurance.

    Well done for getting through this difficult time.
  4. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    If you feel you can't be trusted with your own safety, then it's time to let someone take over for a while. Let someone else make decisions about your safety, because you're just not able to right now. It doesn't mean you're weak. It actually shows how strong you are, because it takes a lot of courage to ask for help when things are so bad.

    I can’t go there, not this weekend. I have to make it through myself, have to stay strong, or else I’ll lose myself forever.

    Why do you have to make it through this weekend alone? This is going to be a tough weekend for you and you need all the support you can get. You need to be safe, and being alone won't make you safe. What do you mean you'll lose yourself forever?

    Instead of waiting to see if you get through the weekend, seek out help now. Be proactive in your safety.

    And remember, you are strong. Otherwise you wouldn't still be here.
  5. CM 1000

    CM 1000 Guest

    Not Rukia you will not commit suicide because I removed the program which you had to kill you. Takes confidence in you and says you that this program does not exist any more in you and that you will live now that you are released from these thoughts unconscious and that you have nothing any more Qu' to replace them by positive thoughts
  6. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    CM I'm sure you mean well, but it just doesn't work that way. There is no program inside a person's mind that makes them suicidal. The only way to stop feeling that way is by hard work and effort to make change.
  7. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I'm just being stupid, listening to the voices. They tell me that they'll "kick me out" forever if I destroy this weekend by telling people I need help. I know that they aren't real, but they've done it before. I would rather die, than have that monster living my life.

    Only 30 hours left :smile: Maybe I'll make it.
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