Never posted here before and i dont know why i am

[JoyDivision]

I usually hate people who want to post on these things because it seems like they just want sympathy but i just kind of want to bitch about how sad and fucked up ive been lately and i dont really know what to do about it. My whole life ive been fat before a few years ago and ive always hated myself and had no friends until i hit 10th grade and became anorexic. After going from 230lbs to 135lbs in half a year or less i still thought i was fucking gigantic until this year when i started eating and started doing drugs. My girlfriend that i have now and have had for almost 3 years, i am so in love with her but everytime i think about her i get sad because of the things she did with guys before me, having sex with a 17 year old when she was just 12. And now all i want to do is do drugs and drink, i went from being 15 and never smoking pot in my life and now i have done everything from acid to heroin though luckily never getting addicted and i am just about to turn 17. I dont know how im going to handle living without drugs when i move in with my girlfriend next year, I hate being sober because when i think of myself i get sick and my whole life ive tried to find ways to alleviate that and make me forget.I smoke pot and drink almost everyday and other drugs occasionally, i went from having no friends to just hanging out with people to do drugs, and im going to try to quit and get a job soon but i dont know how im going to though its not the drugs really that is the problem right now as im as safe as i can be because i dont want to die and hurt my girlfriend.
Im so sorry if this is too long or the grammar is horrible ive been up for two days because of insomnia and i kind of just needed to let whats been going through my head out somewhere where someone i would never meet in real life would read it.

 

[JoyDivision]

I seriously think im going fucking crazy, I go from being happy to being sad all the time, and i can feel myself just losing my mind and eventually not being able to deal with what i deal with now and ending up just fucking losing it and it scares the shit out of me.

 

[SteakAndChips]

Hey

Welcome to the forum I'm sorry it sounds as though you are going through a bad time. Have you seen a dr at all? That could help with depressive feelings.. Also - drugs can make your mood go from happy to sad all the time - if you suffer from depression also - the drugs may be seriously compounding the problem....

Anyway - keep talking if you need and want to There are many good people here who can offer you friendship and support I

Love

GE

 

[JoyDivision]

I have seen a few doctors before i cant tell anyone about how i feel i dont know why i just never could, ive been on pills for depression but i never kept on them.

 

[JoyDivision]

And anyways if i saw a doctor and told him i do drugs and showed him the scars i have i would get sent somewhere most likely. I havent been able to be with my gf because she moved to a different state a while ago and its so fucking hard. I love her so much and i cant even be with her right now and it scares me because if i lost her, id be dead because everything is her to me, her being happy and me being high are my only 2 sources of happyness to me and only one means anything to me but it all seems so much better when i can hear her voice and tell that she loves me just as much as i love her, and if she knows i have done heroin and acid she would be so sad. Im moving in with her when i finish high school the end of this year hopefully, but still the things she did before she was with me fuck with my head alot even though shes changed dramatically because of how happy ive made her, regrets what she did and loves me. I dont really know what to do with myself though, im so fucking scared of everything and i hate myself and because im weak it seems like everyone can mess with me. I dont have the will to excercise and make myself strong im just weak and i feel so fat but i know im not. Even if i were strong i couldnt stand up to anyone, i hate myself so bad i couldnt stand up to someone with out flinching because in my mind i think everything is better then me and i just want to hurt myself so i know that im worse then what my gf did and so i can feel better about the fact that i hatemyself, this is why i smoke cigarettes, everytime i hit a cigarette just the fact that its fucking up my health in any way makes me feel so much better.

 

[JoyDivision]

Im tired as hell and i cant sleep that much and i cant get anything to sleep because my parents dont want to give me pills because my parents just know that i smoked pot and, my friends dad came over after he found a bottle of robitussin in her car, and talked to my parents about it so now they hate giving me medicine and dont want me reliant on it to sleep. What could i do to help me sleep?

Sorry for all the bitching here, i just kind of started typing and just had to let it all out, i dont expect anyone to read all of it or to respond but thank you to those who do and have.