Never quite good enough...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wonderer, Jul 12, 2011.

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  1. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    I'm 24, a year out of college, disabled, with a mentally ill abusive mother. I'm out on my own. Been working for the last year, but I'm really, really poor due to life expenses.

    I thought I'd finally done something right. I got into law school, despite the fact that my education hasn't really been working toward that. I figured this'd be great, I'd be able to do something to make more money, to be able to support my mother down the road. Turns out she spent my college fund so I have nothing to go back to school on. Which means I haven't done a good enough job of helping her get on her feet. So now I have to choose between keeping my current job at 20,000 a year and hoping she can care for herself indefinately, or gambling that, if I take the 120,000 of necessary loans for school, she'll be ok for the next 3 years, I'll be well enough to finish school, and I'll be able to get a job upon graduation that pays enough. If I don't go, I'm a failure in many people's eyes.

    Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Everyone would be better off if I weren't here.
     
  2. Are you able to apply for financial aid for your mother..? You cannot keep allowing her to spend all your college loans because you might be okay for the next 3 years with 120,000 and after that you will have more pressures and stresses because you will have a huge pile of debts.. You need to seek financial aid for your mother now; not loans.. Get help. Don't stress yourself further by getting yourself into more debts.. school loan is meant for your education.. You are not a failure.. Don't give up.. You need help for your mother.. :hug:
     
  3. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I take it you are not British?

    Here we would not have this problem - you mother would apply for benefits if she was sick and we don't have some sick system which has two or more tiers of care.

    But there is help in the USA also - and if your mum is mentally ill - its is not up to you as a 24 yr old to look after her financially. Maybe she does not help because you are doing it all - but the first thing you need to do is make an appointment at some welfare advice organisation and speak to someone who has knowledge of the benefit system relating to people like your mum. If she cannot work - and benefits are there - that will allow you this chance to do something with law. Lets face it - once you are qualified you will write your own ticket - you will have a well paid job and THEN could easily look after your mother.

    It is unfair of your mum to want to hold you back from this golden opportunity. You would be her unpaid carer - plus be working a job for 20,000 when a qualified lawyer, even starting off would see that wage as maybe quarterly pay!

    But its not just money - with law you would be your own woman - independent and with a really good career that could easily be put on hold if you meet someone nice, maybe have a child - but for now - forget serious relationships and concentrate on education.

    So - to summarise - check up on the situation regarding benefits. If your mum is too 'proud' to accept this help you need to explain how society has to make provisions to help people like her.

    Does she know she is mentally ill I ask?

    Also - congratulations for being such a wonderful daughter. Despite the abuse you care for her and I think you know that taking this law study would be better for her in the long run.

    If she is mentally ill - you can only care up to a point. As a daughter you are too close to her for you to be able to help her overcome the mental illness. She has become used to you being the one she can vent at - and abuse. She is frustrated also I guess - a little bit scared also. However we all know here that suffering mental illness does not mean we have the right to be nasty to others.

    Professionals could 'deal' with her. I'm no professional but I wish I had an office and could get her seated there for some good old therapy served with a helping of home truths, responsibilities and obviously try to make her see her destructive behaviour towards you.

    You will have compassion fatigue I guess. People looking after others with mental issuse can often be suffering depression themselves due to the situation.

    So - go for it. You know that even if you stayed in this 20,000 job you'd never be able to save, buy a house of your own and a nice car to drive around in! You mum will be less abusive to you once you explain how you have to have a life - and might have to spend time away so you can help her properly. 20,000 is not going to cover much - and you will make yourself ill also just juggling a job going nowhere - and a mother who has grown too used to people who will be doormats!

    Part of growing up is defining yourself as a person and making your own life. Good parents support this - but with your mum - she may be nice underneath but mental illness, depression, it can turn you into a not so nice person. You being around you mum all the time is NOT helping you or her. For you its unfair that your doing a job professionals get paid to do. For her - not having people around her to make her realise how she is abusive - its not good for her.

    Anyhow - I guess you will move out for this law school - and I think it has to be done because my cousin just finished law and you really need to be with other students, young people your own age for most part. The study is not easy - but I guess for you - someone already working and someone with responsibilities way above your years. You do no expect to be having to care for parents aged 24 - when older sure - but your mum is playing you to some extent.

    So take those 3 years - get you mind around it now because you have everything in place and all you need is your mind in the right place.

    As ever, I always say 'take a walk' - I mean, if you can a nice walk in the fresh air is good for you. I love evening walks. There you can think about life better when moving.

    Very best of luck - you got two choices lined up in life which is a good thing. I think everyone here will tell you to go for the law school.

    But it is entirely up to you. If you stayed in your job and looked after you mum that would NOT make you a failure - and whoever sees that is blind.

    I see why you think 'damned if I do damned if I don't' - but in that case - at least you have choices - but in my eyes - the best choice is the law!

    Good luck regardless, I'm sure you will make the right choice!
     
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