never satisfied

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by amicrazy, May 22, 2008.

  1. amicrazy

    amicrazy Well-Known Member

    they are never satisfied with my weight. they used to say i was too thin, that is, after i lost weight cause they said i was too fat. i used add pills to lose weight the first time. then maintained it with a heavy duty addiction to blow. after 4 years, i had to quit, and have been mostly successful (got into chasing the dragon, quit that entirely. did the soft for another year or so but im mostly over that addiction.) well, as a result, I'm back to my old weight. maybe 5 lbs more. but now my mom is calling me emotionally insane for putting weight on that fast. she knows why, she supported my addiction. she even got into it with me until i told her to cut me off so i could quit. but i don;t know. she's right maybe. i always thought i was a little crazy, emotionally imbalanced. i've gone to the shooting range, never with the intention of killing myself. but always with the thought in my mind before, and especially after. when i would leave, i would think of what i could have done. i'd often hit 100mph on my ride home from the shooting range (traffic permitting). this sometimes would make me miss the exit on my way home. i would notice right before but would never cut over cause i don;t want to kill anyone else. just myself... but i never would. well, when i was younger i said if my mom ever dies i would, but now i don;t know. i suppose i'm done. this is my first post. i'm technically a new member, but i have another name that i've never posted under because of the minimal chance that someone recognizes it.

    back to food issues - a friend i used to diet with just said she struggled with anorexia through high school. i was like, wtf, then are you to say i did too? and she said, yes, we used pills to lose weight.
    sometimes i would chew food and spit it out. i never threw up after a meal but i tried once in middle school (couldn't get myself to do it, never tried again)

    so moral of the story - i'm not going to kill myself, but think about the concept of suicide just about every day. people sometimes think i have an eating disorder but i don't.

    that's it for my first post.
    soon to come: borderline personality? seems to think so