Never Stops Hurting

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by 41021, Jun 12, 2010.

  1. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    His scream, the last thing he ever uttered, was heard June 29th at close to midnight. The only witness still hears that scream in his head, the phone hitting the concrete, the dogs barking.

    It was late May early June when he first reached out, desperately seeking an alternative. I only have the emails that cover June 11th until his death. There was a countdown as he was not only depressed, but in a panic over an upcoming family vacation. Vacation would be in a warm area where he would look strange were he to wear long sleeves and he knew his mother would question him.

    From an adult perspective looking at the situation, knowing he had within himself the means to hold on through the depression, what it boiled down too, his bottom line, seems so tragic. It was the actual vacation, and that he could not wear long sleeves that created the urgent major crisis for him. What caused the depression he was able to talk about with someone and was systematically going through a checklist trying to find a way out of it. He was unable to find a solution to the long sleeves issue and that is what pushed him over the edge. It seems like such a small thing, but it was so monumental to him it was enough to cause him to end his life.

    When i hear kids in a panic talking about how to hide their injuries, i know how important it is to them. When they cut, i am afraid. When adults think them silly or don't listen, i know how things can end. **tears**

    He so matter of factly approached his death. Either we find a solution or i leave. Leave he did by choosing his greatest fear as his means of death. A rare and most painful method.

    I take s/h'ers seriously. He taught me this. I take young people seriously as i know what they are capable of doing and for what reasons they are willing to give it all up.

    Although he isn't the only person i have lost to s, his death breaks my heart so. It was tragic and easily avoidable. He tried. He wanted to find a way to live. He begged and pleaded for help. I don't think i can really discuss the details publically. **tears** The pain caused to the only witness, a young naive innocent young man with a passion for life who had never heard of suicide being a reality or option, and how ppl tried to destroy him as well, made R's tragedy even more painful.

    Of course R had similar musical taste to most teens. Due to his chosen method, the police at first insisted it was satanic and related to his musical tastes and card game (one he also played with his step father for fun). BS. Once i provided them all the info, they quickly nixed the idea but they were so quick to jump on it.

    The devastation to the only witness, a young boy who still hears that last scream, is so tragic and ongoing to this day.

    I'm trying really hard, ok? Sorry if i am not making much sense. There was a lot that happened with this situ that makes little to no sense. What human beings are capable of saying and doing to those in pain greatly disturbs my soul. It's nice to find a little shelter here, where ppl are understanding of each other no matter what. **sobbing** hugs everyone. Will try to write more later.
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Kali your words make perfect sense written by someone with so much compassion and understanding and love for people, it moved me a lot. It reminded me last year going to Glastonbury ( a festival in the uk) and having to hide my cuts in a heat wave and how much I was mocked, how I wish I had someone like you there to understand.

  3. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    i love u sweetie. **tears** :hug:

    My heart goes out to you sweetheart :console: Rich, I am so very sorry you were mocked. I've seen this happen to many other people, and i've heard other folks talk about similar experiences. It is so not right :no: Being alone in pain is wrong enough, yet being looked down upon for the scars left by that pain, is lacking in any sense of humanity towards others. **tears**

    I wish no one had to hide :sad: At least here, with our sf family, no one has to hide. :hug:

    It is a serious issue and problem for folks with scars or fresh wounds. Many people don't understand just how serious. I've even heard people laugh about it or take it lightly. I've also heard people say s/h'ers won't kill themselves, that it's not dangerous. R could not face his family and felt trapped. Death was the only way he could find out of this situation. The youngster who tried to help him feels so guilty about not finding a solution.

    On another note totally unrelated to the above;

    The youngster and myself were repeatedly told to forget about R. We were told he is burning in hell. I've had serious difficulty with this. For the longest time i was unable to share what i was told because it is a commonly held belief in my geographical location. So we both simply lost our voice. It seriously disrupted this young man's ability to heal...the fact that he lost his voice (among other things). :sad:

    I'm sorry, this is my thread and i am unwilling to engage in religious debate, but i will state my opinion. I've read many religious texts, studied various religious beliefs. From what i have seen of the christian bible, jesus went around healing folks, not condemning them. He also had a soft spot for children. I find it most difficult to believe, he would condemn to hell, a child who was ill with depression. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, based upon anything i've ever read in that book. KK. I said it. It seems such a mean-spirited statement.
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    what a sad story Kali.....
    I never realised about cutting till I joined this forum...I'm old and I never knew..
    it's so sad for the ones involved that they can't talk to their family and get some support for themselves....
    what a sad reason to die...:hug:
  5. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    ugh **swallow hard**, you are right, it is such a very sad reason to die **tears**. **hug** for you too :hug:

    You know, he chose his method based on his greatest fear. His reason; To punish himself. What he did actually took a lot of courage. At least his best friend was on the phone with him, even though he didn't realize what was coming, he felt better that he R was not alone. This youngster had never done anything wrong in his life. You know, that an adult would say wasn't right. He was an A student, college bound, involved in clubs/activities. Had not once ever been in trouble. No drugs. No alcohol. Nothing. Yet he felt he had to punish himself as he left this world.

    IV, remember when i asked if i could talk to you about something and ask you some questions, it has to do with this. The reason i've not followed up on it yet, is I've just never been able to get it written out to make any sense. The questions have more to do with other things that happened ...for instance at the service :sad: It was just horrible...the entire situation. I'll try to get it written out but it may be in bits and pieces.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 12, 2010
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I hope you can write some more when you're ready Kali...:hugtackles:
  7. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Kali, i love you so much hun. You have such a beautiful heart. Im so sorry this happened. My heart goes out to R, that young boy and you. This is seriously tragic :cry:
    Keep writing and talking hun, please. :hug: s for you
  8. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Thank you Sam :hug: for you hun.

    yeah, that's what is difficult to live with...that he didn't really want to die, he just wanted a solution.

    Will keep trying
  9. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    :wub: you hun
  10. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    You know, even though R was thanking the kid for being his only friend and being there for him, telling him to tell his mom he loved him, the kid had no clue. R's scream shook every bit of his being but he lacked the comprehension in that moment to understand just what was taking place although he knew there was a dire emergency...he just didn't understand it. sorry...just piecing together thoughts
  11. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    I've never lost somebody to suicide, but I have lots somebody to an accidental drug OD. My cousin was only 19 and I was 17. It never stops hurting when it is a young person like that. There is really no way to find peace. I think about that day everyday.
  12. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    ugh. Today is the anniversary date, actually around 11:30 tonight. :sad:

    no words :no: can't talk. wish i could because it keeps running through my head but my ability to express is like knotted up.
  13. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I'm sorry, I am here if you need anything :hug: :console:

    Look after yourself please x

  14. 41021

    41021 Banned Member


    Thank you Rich :hug: Hope you are holding up okay. Sorry i've not been around lately **hugs**
  15. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    I'm so sorry this happened hun :( Its so awful....
    I am here for you... :hug: :wub:
  16. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :(... I have no words other than I am sorry. :hug:
  17. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    ugh hard swallow **tears**

    Thank you Sam and Forgotten_Man :hug:

    love to all :sad:

    really need to take a walk
  18. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Yes walks are nice. Just walk and relax, talk to yourself enjoy yourself :hug:
  19. readytoctb

    readytoctb Account Closed

    Kali, I just wanted to say bye, have less than 48hrs left and still have much to do, wish you could have been with me till the end but I understand you have your reasons for staying away. I miss you, love you.

    Your friend always,

  20. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    *******tears****** please :sad: please please no. :no: :hug:

    please don't...please.




    I'm outta here

    ugh...please people please fight please
    i've gotta go