i never thought i would result to a forum, always used to hear about them and stuff. and i'll admit i heartlessly joked about them. but now i'm the one who's so pathetic and useless that i can only talk to absolute strangers through a screen and keypad because i can't talk to anybody in real life. I'm so alone and no one understands me, so much stuff just built up through all this time and i don't know what the hell to do. i dare tell my mum how i feel, i tried before and she just blamed me for feeling like this. for hating myself so much i cry every night in bed hurting myself inside and out just feeling like i want to die because i can't cope with this, for it being the best way out. i used to have a boyfriend ( and i know at this age of 17 it sounds stupid) but he was my everything, my only friend, my best friend...and he decided to lie to me and say he loved me so much and make me feel wanted that then he broke up with me and still now reminds me of how 'useless' 'waste of space i am' 'piece of shit' 'worthless' and that i should go back to portugal or just kill myself to get out of his way. the reason i take what he says so seriously is because he still spends time with me and says he likes me just doesn't want a girlfriend, he plays with my emotions and the state i'm in, cause once i'm on a high so happy that everything is okay he'll crush me again. No one other than him knows how i feel because i trust him and he says he cares. but it's his fault i want to just jump off a bridge or do something that will just get rid of it all. i don't have friends, i've moved around all my life that friends are hard to keep. i did have a group of friends who i thought were the best but after 4 years i was left out of plans and i didn't even get birthday cards off them or anything. I'm turning 18 soon and it's going to be the most miserable birthday of my life. I have no one i hurt myself because i hate myself so much i wish i could just pull my face off and carve myself up i'm ugly worhless and horrible i'm a waste of space. i don't want to live anymore, i have no reason to.