never thought it would come to this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jimmy88, Oct 8, 2010.

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  1. jimmy88

    jimmy88 Well-Known Member

    hey all,

    im new here and figured id share my story/plan to leave this planet in the not too distant future. why? im not sure i can answer that as i type this, some primal, human need to share with others i guess..

    ive been unhappy for the better part of my life, ive been depressed for several years. ive never had a girlfriend, never had that friend or group of friends one can depend on. love, trust, loyalty? these are things found in the movies, not in real life.. or my life at least. i always had hope that things would change and that gave me a warm feeling inside.. i thought with some self-improvement i could prove to everyone that i wasnt the social failure they believed me to be. all i needed was a few close friends and a girlfriend and i wouldve been fine.

    unfortuntely i made the wrong friend, because if i didnt meet him i wouldnt have suffered a serious fall resulting in a broken spine, pelvis, thumb and a bruised kidney. of all the people on the planet, i had to befriend the one guy that liked climbing buildings. my shit luck i guess. now i cant piss without using a catheter. im always constipated. i cant even have sex (not like i was gonna get it anytime soon) because of the damaged nerves. the doctors say give it time and the nerves may heal but i dont see it happening. the one thing that i loved, staying fit and running, has been taken away from me. im uncomfortable most of the time and knowing ill never have 'normal' sex is something i cant get over.. dont even think id want to.

    looking back, i had problems but i had it good.. and i guess that is a message that id like for anyone thinking about killing themselves to take away. you could be worse off.. you could have a ton of physical problems on top of your mental and social problems. if you arent satisfied with life realize how beautiful nature is.. find peace in the little things. i wish i couldve done that before i threw my life away, i died the day of my accident.

    so now im in the brainstorming stage. im thinking about doin some kind of road trip to the mountains, perhaps alaska. ill buy a gun there and end myself under the northern lights.. has a beautiful, spirtual quality to it. maybe ill just let the cold take my life.

    dont know what my penalty will be in the afterlife if any, but i believe god will forgive me eventually. i strongly believe in reincarnation and that we've all led an infinite number of lives. i reason we've all killed ourselves at some point if this is true. im gonna spend the next few months studying buddhism and practicing meditation. i want to make my spiritual transition as smoothly as possible.

    well thanks to anyone who reads this, ill stick around and try to contribute where i can while im here.
     
  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    if you believe in reicarnation, what if you come back much worse than today.
     
  3. stig

    stig Well-Known Member

    Hi Jimmy. hell, you've really been through it. I really feel for you. i used to climb with a guy i knew. i had a few falls but we were always roped up. i know you don't feel like it but you can get through this. yes your life will be different, but people like yourself and the soldiers in afghanistan who have been injured eventually learn how to cope with the shit that life has thrown at them. hang in there my friend. Are you seeing anyone about how you feel?
     
  4. jimmy88

    jimmy88 Well-Known Member

    doityourself:

    if i come back as something worse, so be it.. it's not like i'll be thinking "damn i shouldnt have killed myself in that one life." to be honest, i dont see how it could get much worse. i have so many regrets, so many disappointments, so many failures.. and now i have a third rate future and medical issues to look forward to. im spinning my wheels in this body.

    stig:

    ive been referred to therapy but i dont think itll do anything to help. id like to try antidepressants though just for the hell of it.
     
  5. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Dear jimmy88, I am genuinely sorry for what you have been through in your life. Especially, the fall and all. It must be so terrible to have to be living with so may limitations and catheters. It makes me not ever want to take my health for granted.

    About dying, it may not solve your problem, because you really don't know if reincarnation is even true. You may wake up to find out there is no re-incarnation. Or that you have lost the entire opportunity to make a difference in this world.

    You may find romance yet, I mean real romance with someone who is also disabled as you are, with the same longings and limitations, who is looking for someone whose heart beats as her.:heart: And like the doctor said, things can improve and nerves do regenerate. You are young, so you have the possibility of that happening more so.

    When the physical body is disabled, now is the time to set free the dormant spirit of love and compassion for others, that transcends physical space and learn to express the deeper parts of yourself. You can explore things you never explored before. Gone are the pressures of trying to earn a living, because you will receive security from the government. You can help others, write your story, explore forums on the internet, help others like yourself, and find a true love, that is not tainted with vanity.

    And anti-depressants can help.

    Thanks for telling your story. I hope you stay on here, because in someways you can be a great inspiration to us here for choosing life, for it can show human triumph over incredible obstacles.:pinkrose:
     
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Jimmy. I'm sorry to hear about all of the awful things that you are going through. It's easy to take our health for granted until it gets taken away by a terrible accident. Just having a healthy body and being able to live a normal life should be enough reason for people to stay alive. I guess that's your message to everyone here and I agree with it. Don't take your health for granted, because there's no telling when it might get taken away.

    I know that it must be hard living your life with so many physical problems, but be strong and don't give up. You fell off a building and you survived. You're still alive, even though you're unable to do all the things that you used to be able to do. Don't end your life yet. I also believe in reincarnation, but why rush it? You survived for a reason. If it were your time to go, then you would have died in the accident, but you didn't. Think about that. :hug:
     
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