never told anyone this before

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by THEO, Aug 19, 2010.

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  1. THEO

    THEO Member

    6 months ago I walked into the woods put my .45 to my head and pulled the trigger, the bullet i loaded was a dud and after that i was so flooded with emotions and never loaded another and now im still here and still dont want to live i carry that bullet with me every day i dont realy know why, i cant talk to anyone i know about it I only have 1 friend and his wife and im already not in good standings with them they think im crazy and my family disowned me after i got kicked out the army for drug abuse imkinda hopless so thats why im venting here
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    You've come to the right place to talk about anything that's worrying you....
    It seems that you weren't meant to die that you think you're carrying the bullet around to remind you of that?
    Are you having any couseling or any other help for your problems?
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yeh i am glad the bullet was a dud you are meant to stay oka. You need some help though to get you strong addiction councilling psychologist to help find where all the pain is coming from. Reach out here and also where you are okay
    time to get help for you time to heal.
  4. Seems_Perfect

    Seems_Perfect Well-Known Member

    Hey THEO. Something I've never said on the site -- I'm a veteran as well. The military doesn't understand much about depression and you know as well as I do that the LAST thing anyone wants in their file is anything about depression. That's a career suicide.

    Even after security operations elsewhere, when they asked me if I was depressed I WANTED to say, "Are you kidding? I've been depressed since middle school and the fact I survived this sh/t when I didn't want to just made matters worse b/c now I have these f*cking memories when I was hoping to get brought back in a box. Oh, and I feel more terrible about feeling that way b/c I know good men and women who should have made it back home but they didn't." Instead, I just said, "No. I'm fine. Good to go."

    I think your drug use may have been a symptom of deeper issues like depression. Just a guess - I'm not a pyschologist or anything. Still, I'm sorry about the DH discharge but the fact that round was a dud seems like a pretty good indicator you have a great reason for being here (even if you're not sure what it is yet).

    Good luck THEO. IM me if you ever wanna talk about anything (service related or just day to day stuff).
  5. Joey's sister

    Joey's sister Member

    Theo, I'm so sorry you are lonely. I am so glad that your life was spared that day. You need to connect with people and find someone that you can talk to...are there any local churches around that you might feel okay visiting? I know that my church offers free counseling and support to people in the community. This site here seems to be a good place to vent feelings and connect with others who know how you feel. I hope you can find friendships here to help you through. Please know that I am praying for you and I hope that you get through this and are able to find hope.
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hey Theo. I think it was a miracle that the bullet in your Colt 45 was a blank and didn't contain any gunpowder. Maybe it was God's way of telling you that you aren't meant to die just yet? There is no shame for a soldier to get help dealing with depression. I wish the army was more open and supportive, but they want their soldiers to be mentally and physically strong people, because you have to be able to kill people when necessary.
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