never told this before...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by rubbella, May 4, 2009.

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  1. rubbella

    rubbella Member

    i have a large issue and its getting more and more out of hand..
    i have these dark pictures i create in my mind when im alone and even in rooms with ppl..
    most of them involve killing or mutilating the persons i see.
    i cant seem to stop it and i dont intend to do it...
    (only thought havent done anything..)
    ontop of that i have moments in my day that can go from a single minute to a whole day that im unconcious of what i do..
    it feels like sleeping but i still participate in my daily activity's
    only i am un aware of anything that happened in that moment.

    its really depressing to have this and i dont have to guts to tell anyone i know...
    if anyone has a question or something they wanna say plz do but dont start like, 'ur making this up, its all a lie!' and shit like that...
    i cant take much more till i snap completly..
    thats the main reason i search help...

    regards rubbella
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I don't think you're making it up. It's possible you might be dissociating. There are different levels of dissociation, and I know that for some people, they can lose minutes, sometimes even hours of their day and have no memory of what happened during that time.

    Have you ever talked to a doctor or therapist about what you're experiencing?
  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    First, welcome to the forum. You will get some good feedback here.

    Nobody I know here, and there a lot, would ever say you're making it up.

    There are a couple of issues that need to be dealt with. One, I think is the violent nature of the "pictures" or thoughts you're having. The other is the issue of the 'loss of consciousness'. There is a medical condition that can be the cause of it or it could be psychological.

    I don't know much about you, but my first thought would be to seek therapy and get a blood work up from a doctor. You definitely should seek out professional help for these issues. If you have already, are you on any meds. or have you tried any (prescription meds, I mean)?

    Stay with us awhile and try to talk to us some more. Sorry to repeat some of what Wildcherry said, but she posted as I was writing this.
  4. rubbella

    rubbella Member

    i havent tryd any meds so far because im against medicine..
    (i think that there is no medicinal cure for a depression and the "pictures" im making)

    i did see a docter thouh..
    the first thing he wanted to do was to inlist me into a hospital to drugg me up like some nuthouse...

    and i check my blood regulary (im have a weak back and i check up often for rheumatism etc)
    my blood is fine they cant see anything that might have to do with any disease..
    only thing i have is a slitghtly elevated white bloodcell rate.
    but not alarming or anything...

    also thx for the warm welcome, if you have any (and i do mean any) questions feel free to ask il respond asap.
  5. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I can sort of understand where your coming from.. I havent hurt anyone either but I have thoughts about hurting people. Not really pictures in my mind but thoughts, just horrible thoughts. I want them to go away but they dont. I have found myself sitting on my hands to keep from acting on my thoughts.. I dont have those type of thoughts about everyone but do get them about some people. When these thoughts creep in they are horrible. I distract myself in any way I can but the thoughts dont go away until I get away from the person in the thoughts..I also loose chunks of my day but not straight away. I blame it on poor memory but maybe its something else.. Now sometimes I loose small chunks straight away, two or three minutes, but large chunks are gone now too. I dont remember the birth of my son in detail, I dont remember anything about getting married in detail, I dont even remember this morning in detail.. I know its not what your going thru but I can in a way understand..
  6. rubbella

    rubbella Member

    im glad you can relate to my issues...
    but yeah my "unconsiousness" is basicly when youd faint and wake up after...
    i have no clue what so ever of what i did in the time beeing...

    i dont know does this has anything to do with my past?
    (i had a verry bad past involving druggs violence and more...)
    (got any questions bout it just ask)

    im not sure that it is....
    i dont know why this is happening and for what reason...
    im starting to loose grip of reality as the unconsiousness in increasing..
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya rubella,

    I'm not a doctor, so I really couldn't say if you're depressed or dissociating, but what you describe sounds like what I've read about those disorders.

    You say that you don't believe there is a medicinal cure for depression and the thoughts you have. Meds might not be a "cure" - but they do often help people to think more clearly and be less weighed down by depression. Depression and other brain-related and thought disorders are often related to brain chemistry that's simply "off kilter." Especially because you've been having violet thoughts, it might be a good idea if you would reconsider talking to a doctor and/or therapist about them. It would also let you (i) see if they even suggest meds this time and (ii) if you were to end up taking meds, you could find out if they help even a little bit. I know that even just talking to someone can often provide a lot of relief, whether we take meds or not.

    In my opinion, a person's past can definitely affect the feelings and thoughts they have, and how they deal with things - including having times when they are "unaware" of things around them. I think getting yourself checked out and talking to somebody could help you a lot.

    I hope you stay around the forum and let us know how you're doing.:hugtackles:

  8. rubbella

    rubbella Member

    thx acy for your kind reply..

    but as i sayd whenever i go to a dokter or therapist with my issues they try to enlist me into a hospital to drugg me up..
    im against any form of medicine...
    (unless its to put someone asleep for a surgery or against heavy pains...)

    but still thx for trying to help and yes talking bout it reliefs me insome way.
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