i have been hospitalized for the last month after a serious attempt, and many many before that. this time they put me in hospital again to really push for a solution to this chronic severe depression plunge and the dysthymia that has plagued me for nearly 20 years. while in hospital i have made 5 attempts. 2 have left me with memory loss, lost voice, and trachea damage as well as battle wounds and lung infections. my dignity and self worth have also plummeted. the policy on the ward i gather is to pay as little attention as possible to any form of self harm. this has a way of making you feel even worse, as if it didn't happen when you're already in a fog. that you can't even do death right, and reinforces feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. one attempt was met with being dragged to a more secure bed with a one on one nurse assigned to me. she sat and painted her nails while i cried in anger and shame. another was met with a nurse pulling me out into consciousness with 'it is going to be ok.... relax... breathe... we are going to look after you...' trite when i look at it now, but at the time it was something to hold onto. a voice who could offer me some hope. i will probably never forget that small act. some nurses have taken a very minimal approach. probably because they don't understand. or because they don't want to. other reach out in a way that can only be achieved by knowledge of this despair and frustration. 'you look so sad yet beautiful bundled in your blanket. can i come cuddle you?' and a warmth of human kindness envelops a stranger. it is a bumpy ride. i have battled with addiction during this time and when granted leave it has always been met with a insatiable drive to fill the time i have missed out. for some reason 2 days after an attempt on the ward, i was granted 6 hours solo unaccompanied leave. i promptly took the bus to my local liquor store and bought some treats and walked home sipping along the way. i knew no one would be there as the family had not been told i had this leave. i said hello and goodbye to the pets. looked at some photos and determined that THIS was IT. i could not afford to keep doing this wrong. it is too hard on me let alone those around me to continue this battle. i scavenged enough for an OD took some to give me some power of will, then the rest and set off for a popular leaping spot near our home along the coast. i thought that the half an hours time that it would take to kick in would be enough time. i took one last look at the beautiful surroundings i am fortunate to live in. obviously my timing was off. the last thing i remember was barely being able to walk and stumbling through overgrown bushes and it was starting to rain. the next thing i remember is sitting next to my sisterinlaw (who was crying) and my husband 18 hours later. there were flashes of a big fluffy cloud resting on me, a nurse taking out a catheter taped to my leg, lights being shined in my eyes, and being wheeled back to my ward room on the unit. i am told that i was found by police in a puddle on the beach unconscious in 6C storm 2 hours after i set off. the police called my husband from my phone who had no idea what had gone on. the ward was just getting around to realizing i wasn't coming back from leave. i was taken promptly to hospital with severe hypothermia. they cut off my clothes and my shoes were filled with sand and sodden. i was put under what is called a 'baier hugger' warm air blanket in the nude to warm me back to life. my heart rate kept racing and stopping and oxygen levels extremely low. i was given a dose of narcan which helped me regain consciousness slightly. seratenergic toxicity had also set in. they were pretty sure this time i was not going to come back and they pulled out the best staff to help and to talk to my family. you will see i am still here. i am angry. frustrated. sad. i don't know what to say or do or how to placate my family. they are all so tired and so am i. the event was so unreal and i so wish that the end was or is near. i hope this can change. i don't have much faith that it will. i am just writing this so that others who are considering it can take heed. it's not fun. or funny. or as easy as it looks. and back down the road again i travel.