New 40 and completely alone

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Chiara1975, Jun 12, 2016.

  1. Chiara1975

    Chiara1975 Member

    hi everyone

    I'm new here. The sucidal thoughts have kicked in really bad and last night I was crying in bed begging God to take the place if someone due to die that night and to take me instead.

    I can see no way out - I am a prisoner of my mind and the same tortorus thoughts swirl round my brain consistently.

    I feel tired, exhausted and don't know how much more if this I can take.

    I feel like a dead woman walking.
  2. stephen 1007

    stephen 1007 New Member

    same here,feeling like today may be my last day,dont see any point anymore
    Chiara1975 likes this.
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum @Chiara1975
    I am sorry that you are feeling so bad today. *hugs*
    What about doing something nice for yourself today, maybe going for a walk or treating yourself to something that you like.
    Do you have a doctor or counsellor that you can reach out to?
    Northern and Chiara1975 like this.
  4. Nath

    Nath Member

    Hello @Chiara1975, I'm sorry that you are feeling so alone. Please don't, I am fairly new here and I've received lots of hope from the community.
    Although every day is still a real struggle we are all here for each other.
    Chiara1975 likes this.
  5. Chiara1975

    Chiara1975 Member

    thanks everyone. I just feel that the older I get the more i feel that there is no point to my existence. All I can remember feeling is pain and loneliness. Tomorrow I have to go to work pretending I'm okay when all I want to do is stay in bed.
    I think I definitely need to get some counselling but I feel that my thoughts / habits are so set in stone that I can never change now.
  6. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Chiara, try and think positive. I am also an older person and have the same feelings yet still manage to get up every day and try to tame the thoughts. I am on medication which I don't like to be on yet it has helped.
    Nothing is set in stone, there are chisels and hammers to move stone use them to break free.
    Chiara1975 likes this.
  7. Nath

    Nath Member

    I empathise totally, I am a similar age at 42 and have struggled with depression/suicidal tendency since puberty. I struggle with the concept of having a different mind-set but just talking on here has helped.
    I don't feel judged, I no longer feel like the only person hiding behind a mask. Don't get me wrong, it's not a cure but I have been in some of the darkest times in my life in the last couple of weeks but these people make me feel just that little bit better.
    I've finally seen my doctor who has prescribed sertraline, and though I haven't noticed any difference yet it would seem that soon there should be an improvement. Fingers crossed.
    What about you? Have you sought medical advice?
    Northern likes this.
  8. Chiara1975

    Chiara1975 Member

    Thanks mpk
  9. Chiara1975

    Chiara1975 Member

    Thanks nath - I can't remember s time when I felt normal. I feel like I was born broken.

    I'm on citalopram for depression - I've been offered counselling by the NHS but with a 6 week waiting list I'm considering going private.

    I've tried so hard to get better this year but honestly I feel like I don't have the strength anymore.
  10. Nath

    Nath Member

    I understand, it's a shame that the waiting list is so long with the NHS - my GP has offered to refer me but said much the same thing - I too am toying with going private but at £30+ per session I am not sure that I could afford it long term!

    Are you trying to deal with your condition on your own or do you have a network of family/friends to try and help you through?
  11. Chiara1975

    Chiara1975 Member

    Just on my own. I don't really have anyone around me I can talk to about this. I am so ashamed of myself and what I have become.
  12. Nath

    Nath Member

    I am sure you have nothing to be ashamed of. It's part of what I've learned here. It is easy to look at ourselves and try and blame ourselves for our illness, but it is an illness.

    If you need to get anything off your chest or just need to rant then feel free. I also found that talking can be a distraction from the pain and that's fine too.