new and blue...sorta :P

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by callswiththecoyotes, Apr 9, 2011.

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  1. Hello suicide forum! im new and in search of people like me i can relate to, so i dont feel so different... most of you, i think, wont be like me but i know some probably are. im suicidal, but for rational feelings. emotionally i dont want to die, but i dont care about my emotions much. as of right now, i have chosen to die within this year, but i am indulging this feeling of hope a bit. if i can get my emotions on track with my inteligence, i will die then. i welcome all opinions and will do my best to represent myself accurately (which seems very difficult) thank you! :)
     
  2. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    hi and welcome daniel. you will be surprised how many peeps are just like you thats why we are all here. why do you feel the way you do? post as and when you feel like it, there is always someone that will help you.
     
  3. kmj221

    kmj221 Well-Known Member

    Welcomeand a lot of people here will be able to relate to your situation. I've learned that we all are able to relate in some way to almost everyone's troubles. Take Care, and welcome again. kmj221
     
  4. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    hiya daniel, I can relate to what you're coming from (kind of) and am sure tons of others can too. If you'd like to talk at all i'm in chat all the time.
     
  5. i have for years tried to figure out if should die. when i was in second grade, i first started to try commiting suicide and failed horribly. i come from a very unhealthy family, and it tought me that i was as i would have put it "god's mistake" the way ive been rased as made me see the world in ways way different than those around me. (keep in mind im from a small community) when people or pets close to me die, i dont feel sad because i realize thats a natural part of life. when i get in fights, i see the pain, but i observe it as a beautiful part of life, and those around me dont understand that. i still have yet to know why specifically, but i never feel angry myself and yet it seems other humans rarely feel anything but angry. these things constantly tell me that i do not belong as a member of the human race. also, my family consideres me abusive because they think i tried to control my mother when i was living with her and though i disagree, i have no right to hold my perception above others. with that in mind, i find myself awaire that i am likely to be a risk to humanity and i choose to do what i can to not be a risk even if it means death. because i have this unique ability to controle all my emotions, i put a higher standard for myself and being abusive to others is not acceptable at all. my emotions, however, often tell me that there is hope and i will find a place where people see things "as clearly" as i do. because i spend all my time by myself or being attacked by my familly, it is easy for me to temperarily eliminate that hope, but i always wait to long to act on it because i dont want to make rash decisions. even just today that happened. maybe im going to end up a lonely old man in turmoil who never got the guts up to just do it already!
     
  6. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    thank you for sharing, and what first struck me was not that you were a bad person but simply a victim of lifestyle and learned pattern of behaviour if i understood your post. i see nothing in your post to suggest that you chose to feel the way you do, more that you have reacted to the environment you grew up in which has had a profound effect on you and made you feel the way you do as an adult. if you feel like sharing further, have you done bad things that make you feel unworthy to live, i dont see that in your post...i feel your pain but dont understand it...you are clearly hurting and if you were bad you wouldnt hurt. are you seeing a doc or on meds? if not maybe you should consider it as you dont deserve to feel the way you :console:
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want tosay hi welcome to SF hugs
     
  8. to be blunt, i have no idea what i did. i would say i did nothing but that cannot be true because of the life i lead, so it is something i am unawaire of as of now. perhaps this forum can help me answer :) in terms of emotions, i usually feel very sad, unloved and looked down apon by those around me. it is rare when i interact with people other than "family" and they aproach everything i say with utmost pesimism so now i dont voice my own opinion to them at all. its reached a point where i cant even feel my own emotions until im alone and then it hits me twice as hard. almost no body knows any of this however, because i keep my feelings private. i believe people think that i just dont take anything seriously and that makes them angry with me maybe because i dont see any other reason. on the flip side, those few occasions where i have voiced my thoughts, its almost like they just didnt hear me. they usually say im just young and dont know anything or they dont respond at all. i strongly believe that the common human sees me as an object whose purpose is to be used to release all their pent up anger on. and yet when i reflect on that, although it hurts, i am awaire that the usefullness of me being a punching bag is the only thing i have that gives me a sense of self. i think people like you have a hard time understanding me because you have a strong self. i am an just an object. i must be productive to the human race or i will be terminated. because i see this, it is easy to not consider my own emotions. i am currently seeing a councelor who seems blown away by me and has no idea what to do except tell me "you would be missed" i saw a few doctors who also seemed blown away. the one gave me a perscription for anidepresents and said maybe they would help. they didnt and so i saw the second doc. who told me i dont need anything because i am good at keeping my feelings under control. :p
     
  9. thank you :) if i see that your on i'll try to talk to you :)
     
  10. hello thank thank you so much for having me :) !!!!! hugs right back at'cha :hug:
     
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