New and bruised

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Off the mark, Sep 25, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Off the mark

    Off the mark Member

    Hi.

    I need help. Plain and simple and I don't know how to get that across to my peers.

    History-- 40 yo F. Parents divorced when I was 13. Abandonment. Divorced this year, but separated since last February. Abandonment. 2 daughters- 11 & 17. Mother and brother chose to stay friends w the ex, even after he attempted to kill me. Abandment.Suicide attempt Summer 2010. OD on hydrocodones. That was my first serious attempt, but I have a sporadic history of high-risk behaviors. I see a counselor and GP regularly. dx: depression and possible bp2. Self dx: PTSD, borderline personality, ADD. Current meds- synthyroid and lithium

    I recently (last week) got dumped by my bf of 9 months. We were almost complete opposites except that we both were abandoned by our spouses (17 years and 25 yr, respectively.) I did love him but knew were not cut out for the long run. Still, we were close and he had been there for me through some very dark times. We had promised to be friends. I trusted him, quite a feat. Anyway, he has completely cut me off, despite knowing of my severe depressive episodes. I reached out to him today, told him I was in trouble, and he completely blew me off. I took my gun and drove out of town to a remote area w every intention of not returning. He knew what I was going to do and did nothing to help. Unfortunately, my remote area was not abandoned today ( field being tilled, or something like that). I returned home. Contacted my counselor who advised the er. I refused the er. Btdt. They'll just put me away for 3 days wo really helping. I have every intention of returning to that field tomorrow. Right now, I am taking Xanax to make it through. My kids are w friends...

    I'm in a bind. I need help, but on the off-chance I make it through. I want nothing else on my record as I have a terminal degree in education. ( may not show, as I am typing poorly on an iPad).

    On top of that, my order of protection from the ex was extended this week. Great news actually, but he showed up to fight it w his new girlfriend in tow. I am continually unsuccessful w my relationships, and he seems happy as a clam.

    There is so much more, too much to share, but I need practical advice from what to consider, methods, getting my affairs in order, preparing my kids. I would love to just fade away, but my options all go out w a boom.

    J
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forums. :] I hope you find the support that you seek here. We want to see you do well. Take care, and I hope you reconsider....Alex
     
  3. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Lortab's and Xanax,, both those medications can add to your depression, not really a good thing that you take them..

    I think you need to learn to let go of the past.. It doesn't help a thing to dwell on the awful things that have happened in your past, and we all have that, but that part of your life is over, don't let it hurt you anymore.

    The ex-boyfriend thing, I just don't think it's right that your telling him your suicidal and wanting him to be there to stop you. He's went on with his life, and your not going to be happy until you do the same. Obviously, he has no interest, so it's not worth your time trying to stay friends with him.

    I'm not understanding why your wanting to kill yourself, unless it's over the ex.. Think about who's more important, a man that doesn't love you, or your two wonderful kids.. Think about it long and hard.

    You can't prepare children from a mother who is going to kill herself. No matter what you do, nothing will be okay about it, if you do that to them.

    When you feel like hurting yourself, come back on here and talk to us, we'll be there for you..
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    First of all, welcome to the site.

    SF is a pro-life site, so the advice you're seeking at the end of your post, is advice you won't find here. We'll listen, support you, and try to advise you on steps you can take to better your life. I hope you decide to stay and talk to us.
     
  5. Off the mark

    Off the mark Member

    Thnx for your time and advice. i'm not a regular Xanax taker, but you concern is noted. As for dwelling in the past... it is a present problem too.
    I am looking for solutions this morning and every morning. Suck it up has yet to work for me. I tell myself that all the time until I bottle it away for a few days and.come back to this dark place.
    I know i'm not being fair to him. But, I was desperate for help and he had been the only one there for me for months.
    I wish I could not care. I still care about everything. If I didn't it wouldn't hurt so bad...
    Still very down. I need help.
     
  6. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are here
    I wish I could offer advice on what to do but I"m lacking in that area right now.

    I only hope that you will consider staying around and not leaving because of others.
    I agree it would hurt your children no matter what.

    You have said here you want help so obviously you don't feel you are getting enough from the resources you have.
    Do you know what you need? It's hard to ask when you don't know.
    I know I often say I need help but don't know what I'm looking for.

    I hope you will give it time here to sync up with people and hopefully we can help.

    I'm sorry I don't have many words this morning...kind of in a slump myself.
     
  7. Off the mark

    Off the mark Member

    I don't know what will help. I'm so tired of looking desperately for what others find naturally.

    I need to be loved, but I can't really trust anyone to do that. I need stability badly, but the chaos continues. I need to stop, but everything just forges on.

    I am very successful in my job. It's not as if I wait for the world to come to me. I have never had a healthy relationship w any person ( romantic, familial, or otherwise), but I keep trying. Why do I do that? Cause I need it. I require it. The only successful relationships I have are w my students; they adore me but after a year they are gone.

    Yet, I know that I am waiting on the world to change. To meet my expectations. I keep lowering them, but how far down do I want the bar to go?

    I am not perfect. I know this, but I am a really good and loyal person. Still, I harbor a suspicion that everyone else knows what is wrong w me. I myself can't pinpoint it. I definitely have a low EQ. I want to be worthwhile to someone, but I don't know how.

    Loneliness is not an option for me. Can't suck that up...

    J
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.