New...and complicated (please help)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by amroth, Aug 2, 2007.

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  1. amroth

    amroth Active Member

    Hey...I'm new here and it's pretty hard for me to reach out for help since I normally try to deal with things on my own. I have been through hell and it just keeps coming. I guess I'll start at the start of the problems and...move onto the worst. I have a disease called cyclic vomiting syndrome, and I've had it for a few years now...probally four. Basically it is exactly what it sounds like...I get sick everyday...but i'm better now than I was. I had to go through a HUGE legal battle with my high school because they did not want me to graduate or home school me...that was very, very painful. And i've had suicidal thoughts for a long time but...everyone just says i'm good at copeing...

    With what I have...I obviously can't get out much, and before I was sick...I was a star football player and everything, would have never dreamed of having an online relationship...but when I was at my worst with being sick...I met the love of my life....Stacy. I actually met her on world of warcraft...yea I know it's weird. But we have been together for over three years, and she got me through everything she was perfect. The love of my matter what was happening, everything would be fine when I was with her...before I met her...would have never thought something like this would happen...but, she really ment the world to me she's gone =( She is dead and was murdered...and I really feel I have nothing now. I can't imagine 60 more years without her. She died on the 4th of July...she was beaten and....well i'll just post the last letter she sent me in a'll be easier to understand.

    But now...I still can't get out much try to take my mind off things I was working overtime in world of warcraft being in one of the top guilds...and now I needed to take some time off because I can't focus on anything...I just miss her so much...and me wanting to just take 1 week off....turned into a huge flamefest...people who I thought would support me and help me through this....didn't turn out so helpfull, and it's hard for me to reach out. She was the only one...who was able to help me...and I loved her so much. I know what some people may thing but...I know she's real and was real....and all of this is real...I don't know what to do now....I don't know how to take my mind of things, and I honestly don't want to be alive to tell you the truth...and in all honesty i did attempt it in the past before i met her...and I REALLY did not want to do just happened and...I lived no problem but that really does scare me....this is the last letter she wrote to me (i've talkd with the cousin more before also...) but.....yea she's everything to me....I still can't believe she's gone....idk what to do...thanks

    Dearest Paul,
    If you have recieved this is I have left this mortal plane, and my cousin is fulfilling my final wishes. I have been hospitalized ever since my finals ended. One night after work I was attacked and robbed. The attackers beat me and left me for dead. Oh my Paul I am so heart-broken over this. Now my soul and heart are with you and will watch over and protect you. Please do not do anything stupid because you know I will wait for you out side those pearly gates until I can walk with you in arm in arm like the lovers we are. There is so much that has been taken from us, but I got to know, and love, and cherish my time with you and nothing could have been better. Live a long full love my dear prince. *wraps my arms around you and holds close to you forever* I will be with you when it is our time. I love you more than even life itself.

    Stacy died at 1:37 pm on July 4, 2007
    Better half of Paul and truely loved of Paul, forever watching over and with him.
    She was cremated and her ashes set adrift on the wind so that she may find you.
    Her parents took her off life support after she entered a coma 3 days before her death. They are now moving to parts unknown. They kept her death frm the papers because they believed she was something to be ashemed of. I no longer care because Stacy was the only reason I had for contacting that side of my family. The above was written by Stacy just moments before she entered the coma. You are truely blessed to have been her lover. Good-bye.
  2. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    Sorry bro, but that letter smells like BS.
  3. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni


    I am very sorry for your loss. I have also loved and lost the very person closest to me and it's a very tragic experience. In fact, unless someone has experienced a loss of this magnitude it really is difficult for them to understand.

    Grief is a very difficult feeling to live with. On top of that, add cyclic vomiting syndrome and I am truely sorry for the pain you are dealing with.

    I cannot proimise you your dreams will all come true, but I can proimise you things will get better. And I think you would agree that she would want you to live your life to the fullest.

    Have you been seeking therapy to help with this situation?

    On a lighter side,
    WoW? ... what gives... never heard of Everquest?
  4. amroth

    amroth Active Member

    Thanks...yea the letter is true, i've pretty much confirmed it. =( And of course I never had full 100% closure but, and the what if's come in what if she was trying to protect me from something but...that didn't turn out to be the case. We were together for three years and...we loved each other so much. If I were ever upset or anything...she would put her foot down then everything would just be....better. And i've been considering therapy but...I have a pretty big fear. Years ago when I was probaly around 13 or 14, my sister bothered me so I ran away to take a walk and cool down. My sister told my parents I said i wanted to kill myself...which i didn't at the time. And I was put in a ward, and that day was the worst day of my life. I was so scared there, and I told myself i'm never going back to a place like that. I was only there one day...

    And yea...well she only played wow for a few months, so we weren't together on that all the time...and yea lol i played wow for raiding at a high level in the top of the world. I didn't like ever quest too much...but yea i'm in the process of being done with wow right now...and going to war hammer online probaly...if i make it that long. But yea...random thoughts all the time come in my head about suicide now. I'll be fine for a while, happy then out of no where...all the worst starts coming in. And no one in person is ever able to tell that i'm depressed =/ I miss her =(
  5. Holy shit Amroth. For one thing, you sure as hell are not going to commit suicide, because you're too much of a badass to do so. If everything you said is true, and I'm going to take your word for it, you gotta be pretty strong in the heart. You were this football star, probably popular I assume?..and then suddenly wham- you get screwed over with this disease that you described. You're sick everyday, not able to play sports or even go out with your friends. Sure you had a bad day and attempted it once..but as you said, you still had a strong will to live. Out of all this crap, you still managed to attain something very special through one of the few mediums that were still easily open to you, the internet. You built a great relationship, and just when things were starting to go really swell- the life of your life is murdered. Holy shit. But most importantly, after all of say that although you feel excruciating pain in her absence, you have plans to continue on.

    And that's exactly what you should do too. I can't really offer any advice as to how to cope with all of this as I certainly have never had to deal with such terrible circumstances...but I suggest that you just think of what she would want you to do. And I'm sure Stacy would be pretty pissed off if she saw you before your time on the other side. Keep going, and do this right! What are a few more years before the eternity you'll have with her? Still, it must be awful for you right now =( Just hang in there man, I'll pray for you!
  6. amroth

    amroth Active Member means a lot, I came really, really close to doing something stupid before. I even wrote a four page suicide note...which I guess also made me think of all that I will hurt if I did that...I just want these thoughts to go away... and in all honesty I just want to be happy, and I'm not fully sure what to do at this moment. And it's just so hard, have really helped, just actually...talking. I just want to I can make these suicidal thoughts that I always have on my mind...for years, go away. But I do refuse to take medications that would alter how I think <.< I guess me being a poet and all...And I don't know why but in person, I put on an outer shell, like I can be having the worst thoughts ever going on in my head. And if i'm suggested to see a therapist (Just based on the fact that it's impossible for me not to be depressed) I...can never say I'm depressed or...I have suicidal thoughts. I put on a shell (not always knowningly) that everything is just perfect...which is an utter lie. And everyone believes it.

    I guess here...since a lot of you have actually been here before...not for the same reason but may have had or...have the same thoughts. I feel...understood? In a sense. How can I heal?
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