New and confused

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lewis, May 21, 2009.

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  1. Lewis

    Lewis Member

    I have the strongest ever urge to just let go from everything.

    I'm 16 and doing my gcse's for the second time. When I did them the first time I thought I was going to pass but when I didn't it hit me that I would have to go to college and redo 2years worth of work in one year. It was all going well and i was getting C's in everything until a few days ago when I had a maths exam and I didn't do well at all. It then hit me that I didn't know anything about physics and chemistry for the next tests and how much I revise it won't go in my head.
    Then it hit me again that I could have to redo them again!
    I've already had a taste of failure and it's the worst feeling ever... And I can't bare to fail again, as I would rather die.
    My uncle committed suicide 3years ago by running his car while it was parked in the garage.
    The rest of my tests are in 2 weeks and I am thinking about walking into oncoming traffic or swallowing all the pills in my downstairs cabinet.

    I don't wanna tell my family that I might fail again as I don't want to get that look of disapointment. I don't want to die but I feel as there a no other way out.
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Hi Lewis. Welcome to SF.

    I kinda know what you're going through because my two nephews 17 and 18 are going throught the same right now, both with math issues. One is totally lost, the other doing so-so.

    BUt in both cases, they have been honest with their families and received support. One's gotten a tutor. I'm sure there's help out there for you through school. You can and will get through this. We're here for you!

    If you want to send me a private message feel free, I respond to all.

  3. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    If it's any consolation, I've been where you are with A-levels. I resat literally all of my AS exams in one subject three times with no improvement, and then finally got what I needed earlier this year. I now have to resit the A-level part, which I know nothing for, and can't get into my head AT ALL.

    I have also found that sometimes you may think you've done terribly when in fact you did ok, and that you think you know nothing until the actual exam comes around.

    Just remember, even if you do screw up (which you probably won't), there are plenty of options open to you. You could get a job. A good deal of university leavers end up in low-paid or unskilled work because there are no available jobs in their field. You have as much chance as them - you'd just be bypassing four years more of crusty teaching and a whole load of debt. And that guy who owns Virgin started out with no qualifications - you could top him. Or you could resit again, which shows determination and strength of character (or so I tell myself). And if anyone says anything, then tell them to mind their own business, because it's YOUR life, and YOU know you tried.

    Feel free to disregard anything I say. I'm not the best at giving advice. But if there's hope for me, then there's still hope for you.

    Good luck in your exams.
  4. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    If you've got a good family, they will support you. A first step would be to talk about your fear of failure. That part of what you are going through pretty much anybody can understand. Everybody is afraid of failure. Back in The Day, I had an english teacher - best teacher ever. First day of class she stood in front of our class and said, "You're all going to fail." We all stared at her, stunned. This was before the Cult of Self Esteem had become so popular, but we still were not used to hearing that. Nobody know what to say. Might be the only time I've ever seen 30 seventeen year olds absolutely silent.
    Then she explained herself. "You are a bright bunch of kids", she said. "You are going to try many things, and the more things you try, the more times you'll fail. So get used to it. Do not measure yourself by your failures, but by your successes."
    Know what? She was right.
  5. Lewis

    Lewis Member

    I've just looked ad what my next tests are going to be like... I'm out of my depth and I know I'm going to fail.
    I don't want to put my family through what happend with my uncle all over again, but I can't face telling them I'm going to fail again.
  6. I'm not sure how to best help or advise with this situation.
    but I will say this.
    I failed every math class I ever took from my sophomore year of high school, until I graduated college. Math and I just aren't good friends, and I constantly and consistently failed. I always felt a burden when studying and a sense of despair.
    I just want to pass on that you are not your failures, you are not your thoughts. We are all much deeper than that. Don't get distracted by your thoughts and forget all the other positive things you can do and experience.
    good luck lewis
  7. Lewis

    Lewis Member

    I have finished my letters to the people I care about most and telling them what I feel and what has drove me to the end, I have also told them what I want them to have from my possesions.
    I don't think I have the courage to do it sober so I am going to drown my sorrows and do it.

    Thanks for your suggestions but I feel it is too late.
  8. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Hey Lewis..

    Hang on to those day you can show them to a doctor.

    You are stressed to the max right now, trust me I know. But the thing you are dealing with, is just a thing. Nothing more. This too shall pass.

    I think, possibly what you are experiencing is known as situational depression. Not really sure as I am not a Doc....but there is one way to find out.

    And...there is a way for you to allow some healing to occur.

    And it is very easy to do. All you have to do is pick up the telephone and call 911. Tell the operator that you ACUTELY suicidal. You need to use that word, ACUTELY.

    Then something wonderful will happen for you. You will get a couple of days off. Perhaps a week. And this will give you time to heal. Heal from what?

    Well your mind and your brain are ill.

    Think of it like this. IF you broke your leg, you would go see a doctor, right.

    Well....right now, you have a broken brain. lol

    And you need to see someone who can help mend that for you. will learn new coping skills as well to help you with your challenges.

    However....if you dont do anything else, I want you to remember 2 things.

    First....if you do the deed, then you are letting a broken brain take control.

    Secondly, if you do the deed, then you are letting a temporary situation win.

    I know it's hard. But you are better than that. You deserve the best.

    So what if you fail. Life is all about triumphs and failures. Pick yourself up off the floor, brush the dust off and try again.

    But first....go seek treatment for that broken brain.

    Take good care of yourself, my friend!
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