New and disappointed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lisani, Nov 9, 2011.

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  1. Lisani

    Lisani Member

    I had the makings of a rant rolling around in my brain. You know, some great exposition on who I am and how I got here, but who really cares? At the end of the day, this is all I know:

    I was sick for a long time. I kept myself sick for much of that time; then I decided to get better, and I really did. After years of much wallowing I got a handle on all of my destructive habits and formed healthy ones. I became a productive member of society again. I even got to go back to finish college.

    I got back to college this very semester, and, you know what? I'm still crazy. Sure, I'm not acting out in any of those old habits, but the sickness that lies beneath it all is still there. Does it matter what my particular bad habits were? No. What matters now is that I'm finally seeing proof, that despite my best efforts, despite refusing to succumb to "acting out," despite being positive and optimistic and patient and perseverant beyond what I never used to believe I could be, I'm still just as lacking as ever.

    I'm defective. Somebody made a nice little golem of a person in me, but they forgot the stuff that makes a person work. I'm tired of having to try harder than everyone around me just to keep my head above water. I'm tired of pretending and naysaying that I'm not mentally, if not behaviorally, just the same as ever.

    Oh, but the shame! I'm so ashamed to admit that I'm still a screw-up. I spent years in therapy, even in hospitals and whatnot. I seriously hampered other folks lives with my problems. How dare I still be broken?

    And that's just it. I'm tired of needing to be fixed. I do need to be fixed, no question about it, but I don't think I can. Call it a personality disorder or whatever entrenched and inextricable flaw you want, but I honestly don't believe there is is a free place - and it's not from lack of trying. I've tried everything - promise. There is no answer... even if there was, who has the energy to tread water forever with no prospect of ever learning to swim?

    No, I'm not planning to do anything bad, or stupid. I just wish I had the permission.

    I also don't believe anyone will respond to this. I'm really good at that!

  2. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. We care, Lisani. :)

    Good. That's a victory and I'm happy that you're getting a handle on your life.

    Look, we're all like that, I think. Some of us realize that we're not completely over our faults. The truth is, we'll probably be struggling with depression our whole lives. What matters is conquering it and making sure it doesn't affect us or overcome us. We, me and you and everyone else here, need to keep it all in check. We need to stay positive and look at the brighter side of things that we forget to look at. That's what we need to do, my friend. We need to love and respect ourselves so we can find happiness in this world.

    That's a good-sounding analogy, but I'm afraid it's not true. If you still have mental issues, it could be in your best benefits to see a counselor. You need to be happy, or at least content with yourself. You're not defect, Lisani, trust me. I've felt the same way before, like there's just something wrong with me and I'll never quite fit in...but that's a wrong belief. Me and you are the same. We're not defective at all, and we can function well if we both try.

    It's just the depression!!! You're not a screw-up. I'm going to see a counselor soon and I wouldn't consider myself a screw-up. I've done the same things that you have, I've bothered people with my problems, people who didn't need me to make them feel bad. I'm a little ashamed of it, but it's in the past.

    If you feel that way, then you need to know that you can be fixed. You just need to understand that you can work away the depression, perhaps with help. You just need to get into a more positive mindset. Love yourself, please.

    No, I'm not planning to do anything bad, or stupid. I just wish I had the permission.

    Well, I just responded. :)
  3. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    Welcome :) I'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now but I am glad you are at least reaching out for help. We all have flaws or defects of some sort, but it seems like you also have a lot of good qualities. You are obviously a fighter and have a will to improve and survive. You are educated and have goals for yourself. I hope this forum will at least offer you a place to express your thoughts and feelings freely and exchange advice and experience with others who are also struggling. Best of luck to you.
  4. Lisani

    Lisani Member

    Thanks to both of you.

    I am planning on going to see someone today. I'm just frustrated about needing to be coddled again. I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting like this. It just doesn't seem worth the effort if I never get to enjoy life anyway.

    Meh. Ignore me.


    (Lost_Daughter... the world is a small place - I'm somewhere in the mitten too.)
  5. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    Yes it is a small world my fellow Michigander:) I'm glad that you are going to talk to someone, shows your determination to get better. Never give up fighting, you are worth fighting for:pinkrose:
  6. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    I'm a notorious screw up, I have a bad habit of sabotaging my own happiness all the time and quitting, running away when things get hard, but when I realized that I'm like this I was able to learn to change it. It's not easy, and it's a long process but we will be here with you as you learn to make the changes needed to find happiness.
    I wish you the best of luck, and welcome you to SF as a new friend and shoulder to cry on when it gets especially hard. You can vent all you want and never have to worry about being judged as harshly as you judge yourself <3
  7. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    It's good that you're going to see someone again!
    And like what BeautifullyChaotic said, it's going to take some more time and effort to truly change. I'm still trying to change myself from the desperate, lonely, and depressed boy I used to be. I'm trying to be a better, more functional person just like you! :)
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