New and in Crisis

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ItsCloudyNow, Feb 18, 2010.

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  1. ItsCloudyNow

    ItsCloudyNow New Member

    I'm 24 years old, and this is not the first time I have been suicidal.

    It's hard for me to even type that because I guess I've never come to grips with the fact that yes, I am suicidal. But that's the truth, and I guess it's time to accept it.

    I have severe anxiety problems that are currently not being treated by a doctor. I have leftover medication from the last psychiatrist I saw (the doctor/patient relationship was not good - I did not feel comfortable, so I did not stick with him) so I do have medication to take in emergency situations, but I am finding that I need the medicine more and more these days, and it is less and less effective. Another wrinkle in the whole medication situation is that I have tried many medications that are supposed to manage anxiety on an ongoing basis (rather than using "emergency" meds like valium or klonopin) but I have not found one yet that agrees with my body. I have placed a call in to a new doctor, but there is a considerable wait before I can be seen and I'm not confident that I can hang on until then.

    In the past, my anxiety issues have been both triggered by events and also just random. Sometimes there is a direct reason that I become anxious and agitated - a breakup, family tumult, job stress, whatever the case may be at the time. Those are the times I do okay...yes I feel awful, but I can rise above it and keep my behavior in check knowing that it is temporary. What I have been dealing with for the past few months, as far as I can tell, is not triggered by anything. The last few therapists I have seen have tried and tried to find the stem of these seemingly random ones and never really stumbled upon anything. These episodes are the scary ones.

    I surprisingly do not have issues with depression. I have no self esteem issues, and aside from wishing I didn't have anxiety issues I actually really like being myself. Not to toot my own horn, but I am extremely smart, rational, emotionally intelligent, and well liked. But during these random times of extreme anxiety, I exhibit behaviors that are not healthy. I engage in risky behavior (things like cliff diving), become extremely impulsive, and think about suicide CONSTANTLY.

    The combination of risky behavior, impulsivity, and suicidal thought concerns me. Also the feelings of being trapped and panicked that the anxiety brings just amplify negative thoughts. I have done a lot of research on suicide and if conventional wisdom is correct, I am in serious danger. I know how I would commit suicide. I have easy access to my method of choice. I have mostly finished writing to the people I care about. And as far as a timeframe goes, I know that I have to wait until after Saturday night because there is a big happy family event that I will not allow myself to screw up, but after that I have planned a trip to be out of town (already took a few days off work and booked a hotel)...and going around and around in my head is that that's the best time. I would rather housekeeping at a hotel find me than someone I know.

    I have survived suicidal thoughts in the past by enacting a large change in my life. One similar episode I had was a few years ago, and the "solution" was to move somewhere far away and gain new experiences. That was the initial purpose of my trip out of town - I am much more tied down now than I was the last time (job, boyfriend, apartment, etc) so I can't just up and leave permanently, but I thought that maybe the change in scenery would be enough. Unfortunately now it has just become a convenient time to die. I have considered canceling my trip, but I'm not sure that staying home would change anything.

    I guess what I'm trying to deal with is this: I know rationally that I don't need to die. I know that these feelings and behaviors are due to an unmanaged condition, but I am losing hope that my condition can be properly managed, and have lost faith in my ability to just deal with it as-is. I can't go on living with the way I feel, especially when it doesn't even have a trigger that I can work on fixing.

    At this point I feel backed into a corner and hopeless, and suicide seems like the only solution. Please, if you have any thoughts, I would greatly appreciate the input...
  2. Spirit Wing

    Spirit Wing Active Member

    well you are certainly rational - and pretty smart from what i can see.

    but i'm not sure i understand this properly... you say you feel backed into a corner and helpless. you feel that suicide is the only solution. yet you like yourself well enough. okay. that's fine. but what is it that you fear? what do you want to get out of so desperately?

    if you had no limitations, except to not kill yourself, what would you do? would you get rid of your job first, or the boyfriend? ditch your family? i've wanted to do all of those and more in the past, so i understand (to some extent at least).

    yes, medication can certainly help and has helped many people before, but i'm usually one to always opt for other solutions first - or at least in conjunction with. so i'm no medical expert and someone else can/should advise, but as far as i know most medication needs to be taken steadily over a period of time to build up in the body otherwise our bodies become immune to them...

    you say there hasn't been a trigger, but there is definitely a cause. and as i'm sure you know, the cause doesn't need to sound rational - or even sane. that's why i ask what would you change in your life first, first answer, if you could be as impulsive as you liked...

    once you have an answer, then make your list in chucking order. try write/think of a reason for each one. it's okay if you have no idea why you'd throw out a box of pencils after your cat, just get the list as full as possible with no right or wrong answers...

    now take your top three and concentrate on them. somewhere in there, i think you may find one of the things you fear most. and if that happens to be yellow walls, so be it. the human mind is a wonderfully weird place and often doesn't make sense...

    if you would like to share your answers, i'll be happy to help you sift through possibilities and maybe help find a solution that will both ease your anxiety and make sure no-one has to go home and tell their family that they found a dead body at work today...

    fears are ugly buggers. it's not easy, but you can find leashes and muzzles to fit them...
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