New and Seeking Feedback

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kilnair, Sep 1, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. kilnair

    kilnair Member

    Look I am not really sure why I am bothering to spend the
    effort to post. Considering it is basically my intension
    of ending my life in 24 hours with massive trauma to my
    heart. Though I will fully admit there is a small part
    of me that is somewhat rational (or sane if you want to
    look at it that way) that does feel the need to reach out
    to those that do might or do have a clue of what it feels
    like this.

    I guess on one level by actually posting I am calling out
    for help, but I will never willing to admit to this. Plus
    I am sure to some this is signing a HUGE RED FLAG.
    Anyway, on to why I am spending the effort to post.

    When I was 26 I tried to end my life. Slit my wrists and
    downed a horde of sleeping piles. Needless to say I fuck
    up big time. I was completely ready to die that night, and
    still wish I had that night. What made me decide to want
    to die that evening is that after 26 years of life. Nothing
    ever really matter and the feeling of loneliness was ever
    present. sure I manage to get through high school, college,
    and even get a job after school while dealing with being
    dyslexic. I only mention dyslexia for reference sake, and
    not because I want people to "feel my pain" :p

    so I tried and failed. Not like this is a rare thing here.
    Saying that as a positive thing, since many of the posts
    people are dealing with bad thing. Yet in one way or another
    they do seem to be to work through their problems.

    Back to me again...for the past 13 years I have just found
    ways to I guess not really be aware of that time is passing.
    Like spending way to much time playing video games, movies,
    etc. Though recently I felt it would be best if I died over
    the labor day weekend. To give people a couple days to deal
    with my death before the work week started up again. Besides
    my employer, mother, and brother there sure is not a whole
    heck of a lot of people I know. Most of the people I have
    known have moved on for one reason or another. I have tired
    to make new friends, but have not really been all that
    successful for one reason or another. The same feelings of
    loneliness and feelings that nothing matters still exist just
    like before.

    One other thing....if you have ever listened to the song "Fade
    To Black" by Metallica, then you for sure have a sense of how
    I feel.
  2. Surely you have something to look forward to in life. And things always get better... much better if you try hard enough. Believe in the power to succeed.
    Something out there makes life worth living....though it differs for each person. Be strong & hold on. :yes:
  3. TranceAngel

    TranceAngel Well-Known Member

    kilnair...i hope you will take a minute to read member sue eisman's post to mert in the thread 'in 24 hours i will be dead'. she is a friend of mine who lost her own son to suicide. i don't think anyone can speak about this like she does. just know i echo her feelings, we want you here and even though my words are shallow and useless, they come with true intention and from a point of caring for you. sue and i are here for you if you need to talk, pm one of us, my email is in my profile also.
  4. kilnair

    kilnair Member

    TranceAngel - I appreciate the reference to Sue Eisman's post in the "in 24 hours" thread.

    Though now that I have a bit of understand of the aftermath. I am not going to say it
    has prevent my suicide the weekend, but I can say it has cause me to put things on pause.
    Reading it did spark some feeling of anger and resentment, though definitely not directed
    at anyone I can assure you of that. It is just that I so very much want to dive into the
    mist of oblivion, and I want people to just accept my departure with no more than a shrug
    of the shoulders. Least that has been my hope all along, and I guess a naive part of me
    wants to just ignore the whole human behavior response to suicide.

    It leaves me so full of confusion as to why I am pausing my efforts, and different aspects
    of anger due to my confusion. I am piss off because I feel like a gutless coward. I am
    upset that I feel weak, and that I have betrayed myself in the one thing I want more than
    anything else in all of existence. I am angry at the whole cause and effect nature that
    my planned actions can produce. It just leaves me even more confused regarding what is
    the difference if one more or one less person dies today. But yeah apparently it does.

    For resentment it is something I heavily direct to myself. I am not thrilled with my
    decision to come and post, but there is clearly a need I have to communicate with people
    here. I am not sure where it will lead, but I am can deal with my decision as of right
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.