Look I am not really sure why I am bothering to spend the effort to post. Considering it is basically my intension of ending my life in 24 hours with massive trauma to my heart. Though I will fully admit there is a small part of me that is somewhat rational (or sane if you want to look at it that way) that does feel the need to reach out to those that do might or do have a clue of what it feels like this. I guess on one level by actually posting I am calling out for help, but I will never willing to admit to this. Plus I am sure to some this is signing a HUGE RED FLAG. Anyway, on to why I am spending the effort to post. When I was 26 I tried to end my life. Slit my wrists and downed a horde of sleeping piles. Needless to say I fuck up big time. I was completely ready to die that night, and still wish I had that night. What made me decide to want to die that evening is that after 26 years of life. Nothing ever really matter and the feeling of loneliness was ever present. sure I manage to get through high school, college, and even get a job after school while dealing with being dyslexic. I only mention dyslexia for reference sake, and not because I want people to "feel my pain" so I tried and failed. Not like this is a rare thing here. Saying that as a positive thing, since many of the posts people are dealing with bad thing. Yet in one way or another they do seem to be to work through their problems. Back to me again...for the past 13 years I have just found ways to I guess not really be aware of that time is passing. Like spending way to much time playing video games, movies, etc. Though recently I felt it would be best if I died over the labor day weekend. To give people a couple days to deal with my death before the work week started up again. Besides my employer, mother, and brother there sure is not a whole heck of a lot of people I know. Most of the people I have known have moved on for one reason or another. I have tired to make new friends, but have not really been all that successful for one reason or another. The same feelings of loneliness and feelings that nothing matters still exist just like before. One other thing....if you have ever listened to the song "Fade To Black" by Metallica, then you for sure have a sense of how I feel.