I am 39 years old and a single mom. I have bipolar disorder and I'm currently in a depressive episode. I am struggling with a lot of suicidal thoughts lately. I know I'm supposed to know it's not the answer, but it's harder and harder to not lose sight of that. I know that it's because I'm depressed and that it will get better...eventually. But it feels like the depressive episodes come more and more frequently and each time seems worse and longer than the last. So even if I'm able to hang in there, how much time do I really have before I'm living in this hell again? Because it really seems like I'm in the living hell more than I'm out of it these last couple of years. I know that I need to live for my daughter. Honestly, that's the number one thing that has kept me alive for the last nine years. I know it sounds selfish, but I'm not sure that is enough to keep me alive anymore. When I'm like this I'm not a great mom anyway...I yell at her, I'm not able to take her places or do things with her the way she needs. There are days when it is easy to think that she would be better off without me. Yes, she'd be sad and hurt to lose me but she could start to heal and move on without my craziness in her life. If I were to die, there are no appropriate family members to take custody of her. It would be one of my friends who would become her guardian (it is all set up in legal paperwork). I know that isn't ideal. It leaves me feeling trapped. It's not my daughter's fault but I'm pretty much all she's got and when everything feels so unbelievably painful and unbearable like it does now...I still really can't have the option of just killing myself and ending it all...I'm trapped here. But that makes everything hurt that much more and makes me frantically search for a way to be able to kill myself and still make things okay for my daughter. She is not here right now. She is spending a couple of days with her dad and his parents, having a belated Christmas with them. I'm alone in this house with my thoughts and my pain and I want so badly to just be able to end it all. And then I remember her and know that I can't. And I try to rationalize it and convince myself that I can. This internal dialogue struggling to decipher the truth from lies, trying to find a way to end my pain, wanting to end my own life...I think it may all be more than I can handle.