New and Struggling to Tune Out the Lies in My Head

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by pbcmom, Jan 1, 2014.

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  1. pbcmom

    pbcmom Member

    I am 39 years old and a single mom. I have bipolar disorder and I'm currently in a depressive episode. I am struggling with a lot of suicidal thoughts lately. I know I'm supposed to know it's not the answer, but it's harder and harder to not lose sight of that. I know that it's because I'm depressed and that it will get better...eventually. But it feels like the depressive episodes come more and more frequently and each time seems worse and longer than the last. So even if I'm able to hang in there, how much time do I really have before I'm living in this hell again? Because it really seems like I'm in the living hell more than I'm out of it these last couple of years.

    I know that I need to live for my daughter. Honestly, that's the number one thing that has kept me alive for the last nine years. I know it sounds selfish, but I'm not sure that is enough to keep me alive anymore. When I'm like this I'm not a great mom anyway...I yell at her, I'm not able to take her places or do things with her the way she needs. There are days when it is easy to think that she would be better off without me. Yes, she'd be sad and hurt to lose me but she could start to heal and move on without my craziness in her life. If I were to die, there are no appropriate family members to take custody of her. It would be one of my friends who would become her guardian (it is all set up in legal paperwork). I know that isn't ideal. It leaves me feeling trapped. It's not my daughter's fault but I'm pretty much all she's got and when everything feels so unbelievably painful and unbearable like it does now...I still really can't have the option of just killing myself and ending it all...I'm trapped here. But that makes everything hurt that much more and makes me frantically search for a way to be able to kill myself and still make things okay for my daughter.

    She is not here right now. She is spending a couple of days with her dad and his parents, having a belated Christmas with them. I'm alone in this house with my thoughts and my pain and I want so badly to just be able to end it all. And then I remember her and know that I can't. And I try to rationalize it and convince myself that I can. This internal dialogue struggling to decipher the truth from lies, trying to find a way to end my pain, wanting to end my own life...I think it may all be more than I can handle.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi pbcmom i can so relate to your post i have kept myself here for my children too all these years You have to get a hold of your doctor and make your doc hear you ok tell doc time for a change with your meds either new ones or add on something if you depressive times are longer then your up times the meds are not working for you Good you are here talking getting rid of those thought here hun ok Your daughter will always need you always hun hugs
     
  3. pbcmom

    pbcmom Member

    I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday. I kind of feel like it is stupid for me to even go. I am horrible about taking all of my meds on a regular basis. So it's easy to say that maybe the depressive episodes wouldn't be more frequent/longer/worse if I would just take my meds like I should. But my dr knows that we've always struggled to find a really good med combo and even when I'm on them I have problems. My screwed up mind starts to think that if I'm still having problems on them, then why bother taking them at all (the smart answer is because even though I still have problems when I'm on the meds, the problems are worse when I'm off of them but it can be easy for me to lose sight of that). I used to be able to get away with not taking any meds for long stretches of time, but as I get older the depressive episodes have increased...so falling off of them is an even worse choice than it ever was. Also, when I'm feeling my worst it is sometimes difficult to take all of my meds...don't know if I forget them accidentally or on purpose, but I forget doses. I'm trying to make sure I get all of my meds right now but the more I miss the worse I get. The worse I get the more meds I miss. A really stupid, vicious cycle. But there's not really anything my psychiatrist can do for me if I can't even get myself to take the meds on a regular basis.
     
  4. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    pbcmom, I'm glad you realize that you need to stay on your meds. If it isn't working, then tell the doc about it. It is up to you to take charge and be honest so the doc can help you to the best of his/her ability. If your concern is not missing your dose of meds, get a weekly pill box to remind you. That's how I can remember to take my pills. I really hope your meds will be adjusted/changed so you can get out of the funk that you're in. Best wishes to you!
     
  5. pbcmom

    pbcmom Member

    The dr knows. I am 100% honest with him, though I don't always go as often as I should because it seems pointless. It's $245 out of my pocket every time I step through his door, there is no point in not being honest and up front with him. He is a very good dr and is helping to the best of his ability...sometimes there isn't a perfect medication solution. I seriously doubt there is a med change in my future. I'm just expected to hang in there and ride this out because I know it will get better. But I also know that even after it gets better, it will get worse again. Pointless really.

    I've tried pill boxes. They don't really make me take the meds, just make it more obvious to me after the fact when I've missed them.
     
  6. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    It does take time for your current meds to take full effect. Your mood will still fluctuate from time to time because of your bipolar illness. The meds are just to keep your mood swings less severe. If the pill boxes don't help, then maybe write a note to remind you to take your meds. One on your refrigerator, one in the bathroom or one by your computer. Just giving you a few suggestions...
     
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi,. it sounds like you are doing everything in your power to get through this. And I am sorry things are as they are.

    I can tell you what I have to do to remember to take pills. I put them where I would sit down. I put them in front of the door in a cup. I do whatever it takes to make sure I see them at the right time. Because otherwise I would not remember.

    I even put an empty paper cup in the cardboard part of a toilet paper roll so in the middle of the night when I get up and go into the bathroom I will remember to take the pills which are in a cup beside my bed. I am not suggesting that someone else do this. It is a very wacky solution.

    So, I do some wacky things to remember. when I was taking pills often for digestive system problems, I would set a timer. When the timer went off I would set it for another 2 hours and take the pills fast before my attention was diverted.

    Now, i have myself trained to take pills before I have my hot drink in the morning. I cannot have it until I take the pills. Sometimes I put the thing of pills on top of the stairs so I would have to trip over them or take them. I have myself trained to take pills when I eat.

    So its a combination of creative invention and also training myself. Because otherwise I am sunk. Left to my usual inner resources I would rarely remember. I hope that maybe helps a little bit. Damn, I just realizzed I have to start taking my pills before bed. Seriously. :) I have different ones that cannot be taken together. So I have to stagger them. gotta go. ( while I am being humorous, I am actually totally serious)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2014
  8. pbcmom

    pbcmom Member

    I appreciate all of the advice, but this really isn't just about remembering medication. And I know I will still have ups and downs even on medication. I have PTSD in addition to being bipolar. There are times when things can get triggered and just start to spiral out of control for me even if I'm on medication. This is what happened a few months ago. At that point I'm depressed and hurting whether I take the medication or not. Everything in life feels too big to handle and I stop taking care of myself in many ways, medication being just one of them. With this latest episode I've actually managed to stay on my medication far better than in the past, although still not perfectly.
     
  9. ronnymarie

    ronnymarie Guest

    I am also bipolar, and can very much relate to what you are saying.

    I have also hung in there because of my son, as I know what it would do to him if I ended my life. It’s easy to say our loved ones will recover and move on, but I think we know that is not true. It will devastate them, and it will be forever.

    I have also noticed that as I age the downs are much worse. I suspect hormonal changes can tend to make things worse, but I have no proof of this. And I know how bad it feels when you hit those times. It hurts to breathe. And it hurts to live. And I also know that it won’t last forever, and I will feel better, although I know that won’t last either.

    One thing I have discovered is that I do have certain physical triggers, in addition to the mental/emotional ones. So, I am working hard at avoiding those triggers. If I don’t sleep enough, or eat right, I know it can, and probably will, trigger a depressive episode. Too much stress, or arguing can also trigger it. It makes me feel at least a tiny more in control if I know that there may be things I can do to at least stop a few of the bad times. Have you considered keeping track of what may trigger your depressive episodes?

    I know how hard it is to take even the simplest care of ourselves in those depressive states. Just combing our hair seems impossible. But I’ve found for myself that if I can force myself to do the routine things, it helps a bit. Put those meds right where you can’t miss them, and talk yourself through it. Something along the lines of, “I’m getting up, and I’m walking over to the meds. I’m taking them from the container now. I’m walking to the kitchen/bathroom, and getting a glass, I’m filling the glass with water, and I’m swallowing the pills”. When I get bad, I have to do this routine to help myself get through doing pretty much everything.

    I know the bad times will still come, no matter what. But there are advances in medicine every day, and there may well be a time when there will be better meds, or even a cure. So please hang on, and do whatever you have to do to get through this. Best of luck.
     
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