New and tired .... of everything

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mamajama, May 11, 2011.

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  1. mamajama

    mamajama New Member

    I am 46. I have one failed marriage and am now married to a man who has a good heart, but serious issues of his own and can be emotionally abusive. I have 2 special needs kids. One is an adult and still lives at home, one is 11. I also am a full time parent to 2 stepsons, who have emotional/behavior problems.

    Though I have made some bad decisions in my life, I have always tried to do the right thing. I have been a good employee, and a pretty good wife and mom. My problem is not that I am NOT depressed, but that I am plaugued with bad luck. Partners who have turned on me. Children who are born with serious problems and need constant care. Parents with addictions and personality disorders. Health issues of my own. Most of these things are beyond my control.

    To be honest, I'm tired, and I think about dying everyday. But I can't. I have an 11 yr, old autistic child who would never recover if something happened to me. I am everything to this beautiful child. So on top of everything else, I feel imprisoned by this child, who I love dearly, but he is keeping me from leaving this terrible life.

    So on and on and on I go. Hating the fact that I have to wake up every day to this lousy existence. But with no hope of an exit. Not until my youngest is in a place were he is well taken care of. And that will be YEARS.
     
  2. mamajama

    mamajama New Member

    (I meant to say, I am NOT depressed. I know that sounds weird, but I don't feel depressed, just tired of dealing with everyone else's issues.)
    :dunno:
     
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    just wanted to say welcome. sounds like you have a lot on your plate. that has to be exhausting. are there any extra supports you can put in place to give you a little time away from your family responsibilities? some time to reboot?

    what emotional supports do you have for just you? do you have a therapist? that might be a good place to start. you don't have to live in this constant limbo of wishing for death but being unwilling to go through with it, which is an awful place to be.

    and keep posting here. you will find many people to support you. everyone is really nice.

    welcome, again
     
  4. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    Yes you are dealing with so much thats out of your control but you sound like a very strong person.The thing about being strong is that people tend to pile stuff up on you over and over until something gives. I hope that you find some support here . I also have a 12 year old with autism its hard when its one of many things on the list of life. Big hugs to you. My pm box is always open!
     
  5. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    You are lucky to have an amazing family.it must be hard though.maybe your husband cant take the pressure? How do you mean his kids have problems?dont most teenagers?
    Maybe you should talk to someone how you feel.welcome
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi welcome to SF being tired is a part of depression you may not feel the sadness but it comes out in other symptoms like fatigue agiatation etc.
     
  7. Push

    Push Well-Known Member

    Hi I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time. I think therapy is a good idea. And there is always someone here willing to listen and give you support. :hug:
     
  8. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You sound like a great mum - and a great wife also. Sadly, I don't see 'emotional abuse' as anything other than abuse full stop - and I'm afraid that his heart might not be as good as it needs to be.

    When I was younger, emotional outbursts might have been aimed at others - but a man who feels this way (and I do sometimes) just keeps out of the way and does something to let the anger out away from loved ones. I've rarely raised my voice in anger with a women - and never a child.

    I think any woman deserves that part of the deal. You really cannot act as a carer for this man as well as your children. If he has issues - your not the local health authority. You need a man who can carry the load a bit for you. Maybe I'm being harsh - but emotional abuse sounds like something that a man with a good heart would not do.

    It's just the same as punching you - many men use this because it leaves no visible marks. In some ways it worse than violence as the result is to damage your mind, self esteem and confidence in yourself as a mum, a working mum, a teacher, psychologist and counsellor all combined!

    You sound like a real treasure - but could use some help with the hectic schedule you have and the stuff you deal with. You may not be depressed but becoming worn out and maybe suffering from this emotional abuse. Feeling 'run down' can be a cause of depression if you just weather a storm that never ends.

    I hope this man can deal with his issues - personally, if this was someone I knew, I'd be falling out with him as I don't like to be around men who are bullies. Emotional abuse is bullying - he is using you as some kind of outlet when he has his dark moods.

    This concerns me.

    I hope you have other family to rely on - and I'm sure your son keeps an eye on you also - hopefully. Bear in mind we are seeing a lot of changes in the treatment of depression and its likely that we'll see a great leap forward soon.

    I think your children are your strength - the reason that you would not go through with anything rash. Thinking about suicide and death is 'normal' - people get down and ponder the inevitable sometimes. Too much and its just morbid - but now and again we let the mind drift.

    Really, we ought to just enjoy the here and now instead of wasting it with worry.

    Anyhow, talk to someone about how you feel - you got us here and we're all in the same flotilla of apparently sinking ships - throwing each other a lifeline when we can.

    Your kids are VERY lucky to have you. I'm sure that they will grow up into adults who have a purpose and find their niches in life one day.

    This man is lucky as hell - but as a mother you need a man who is going to be part of the family - be a role model for the kids. I never ever saw my father abuse my mother EVER. She would not have stood for it and he is a gent in that regard.

    A lot of men have their own issues but manage to avoid ever abusing others.

    Maybe he needs an ultimatum. He has to treat you better than this. Maybe he needs a lot more help than you and your just not in position to put anyone before your children.

    Autistic kids, when they have care and love, are like other kids. Who knows what treatment might be in the pipeline as we are in an exciting age in which medicine is making great strides to combat and eliminate many illnesses and conditions.

    Hope my concern is not too personal regarding your man.

    Maybe he can can change and I wonder how much better you'd feel if he was able to be civil at all times. Part of depression is that it can make you use loved ones as this outlet for emotional put downs. Obviously, like any other illness people with depression have a responsibility to make sure they do not hurt loved ones.

    Good luck and keep up the good work. Maybe get involved with some groups re the autism and hope your eldest is getting help.

    My parents are addicts - football and cigarettes and soap operas!

    My regards, and prayers.
     
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