Hi everybody. This is long. I'm sorry. Please read, though. Please. Apparently googling "suicide forum" brings you to good places. I had a friend hang himself last November, and ever since then I've been spiraling down and pretty much losing control of my brain (or at least that's what it feels like). I know I've been dealing with some form of depression for a quite awhile. At least since the beginning of high school, looking back, it's probably more like middle school. Maybe earlier. I don't know. At least 7 or 8 years anyway. This last year has practically killed me, no pun intended. It's gotten to the point where the tiniest bit of stress triggers me. I've always been a perfectionist and no matter how many times I tell myself I'm great, I'm doing things well, I always look at the bad side of things. The reality is, I'm doing great in school, I've danced all my life, and have been told I'm one of the best in my program, and my boss keeps telling me how glad she is that she hired me. Problem is, none of it matters. I still feel like crap. Especially when I'm alone. I spend hours on the internet looking up drug facts. I could tell you what most of the lethal doses of any common OTC drug is (if it's known), and I've taken to keeping a stash of sleeping pills. I wrote my suicide letters to my boyfriend and my family the other night. I do all of that without even thinking about it. It's become a terrible habit. I went a week without thinking about it earlier this month and I thought I was getting better. Apparently, not so. I have no really good reason to commit suicide, so I don't know why I want to. It's just an urge. I'm a planner though. I think that's why I haven't yet. I think it might all boil down to an existential dilemma. I really feel like nothing truly exists. In the end, it's all just energy. And where'd the energy come from? It's an endless cycle, like the "chicken and the egg" conundrum and I hate it. I want it to end. I don't want to know why, I just want it to stop. I hate floating through life. Even things that I'm passionate about don't give it any meaning, if that makes any sense, because in the end, it's back to the chicken and the egg. Anyway, I don't know what else to say other than I'm just your typical, boring, depressed college girl. Who people call "Google" because I apparently have an answer to everything. I wish that were actually true. I hate that I'm so rational. It makes depression that much more idiotic and completely NOT understandable. Thanks for reading.