New...As one would as assume...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by thebrain, May 30, 2008.

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  1. thebrain

    thebrain Well-Known Member

    Hi everybody. This is long. I'm sorry. Please read, though. Please.

    Apparently googling "suicide forum" brings you to good places. I had a friend hang himself last November, and ever since then I've been spiraling down and pretty much losing control of my brain (or at least that's what it feels like). I know I've been dealing with some form of depression for a quite awhile. At least since the beginning of high school, looking back, it's probably more like middle school. Maybe earlier. I don't know. At least 7 or 8 years anyway. This last year has practically killed me, no pun intended. It's gotten to the point where the tiniest bit of stress triggers me. I've always been a perfectionist and no matter how many times I tell myself I'm great, I'm doing things well, I always look at the bad side of things.

    The reality is, I'm doing great in school, I've danced all my life, and have been told I'm one of the best in my program, and my boss keeps telling me how glad she is that she hired me. Problem is, none of it matters. I still feel like crap. Especially when I'm alone. I spend hours on the internet looking up drug facts. I could tell you what most of the lethal doses of any common OTC drug is (if it's known), and I've taken to keeping a stash of sleeping pills. I wrote my suicide letters to my boyfriend and my family the other night.

    I do all of that without even thinking about it. It's become a terrible habit. I went a week without thinking about it earlier this month and I thought I was getting better. Apparently, not so.

    I have no really good reason to commit suicide, so I don't know why I want to. It's just an urge. I'm a planner though. I think that's why I haven't yet.

    I think it might all boil down to an existential dilemma. I really feel like nothing truly exists. In the end, it's all just energy. And where'd the energy come from? It's an endless cycle, like the "chicken and the egg" conundrum and I hate it. I want it to end. I don't want to know why, I just want it to stop. I hate floating through life. Even things that I'm passionate about don't give it any meaning, if that makes any sense, because in the end, it's back to the chicken and the egg.

    Anyway, I don't know what else to say other than I'm just your typical, boring, depressed college girl. Who people call "Google" because I apparently have an answer to everything. I wish that were actually true. I hate that I'm so rational. It makes depression that much more idiotic and completely NOT understandable.

    Thanks for reading.
  2. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    Depression by its very nature is irrational. How does a being that is alive which to die by their own hand?

    I wish i knew what the fuck to say but i'll just say "hi" and maybe you'll find some answers here, or at least some comfort.
  3. thebrain

    thebrain Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply. I'm not really looking for answers anymore, I think. I'm somewhat resigned to just being here, or leaving. I'm just looking for some people who might have some inkling as to what is going on in my head. I'm tired of bawling in front of my boyfriend, and him being very sweet, me feeling guilty about it, and then having him pretend it never happened. Getting a hug only helps for a minute if it's followed by obvious misunderstanding.
  4. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to SF! Sounds like your nature is to be obsessed with something and you have gotten obsessed with existence. You should relax, and simply exist. :hug:
  5. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I feel exactly like you do, coasting through life unable to enjoy things, no purpose...

    Welcome to the forum
  6. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    welcome to the forum,
    you sound like a very deep and analytical person - i find it one of my biggest flaws too.
    too much time searching for answers...
    maybe im wrong, but either way i hope you find everything you need here
  7. thebrain

    thebrain Well-Known Member

    Thanks everybody. I'm glad to have found some like-minded individuals. I hope I can learn to just relax a little. :smile:
  8. A Self Made Loser

    A Self Made Loser Active Member

    If you are a person who questions everything and wants to know the answer to everything then no doubt your ultimate question will lead you here where ever here is. You want to question your maker and find the final answer - What is my purpose? What is the purpose of life? Running the question over and over again in your mind can be a lethal exercise.

    We have all question life and death. Existence of who we are is in our own mind. The burden will grow too heavy if you do not let this question go. Human life came about by mere accident, evolution was to enable our species to survive more effectively but our minds have evolved to the point where we question ourselves own worth and possess the ability to destroy ourselves by our own hand.

    I guess our brains are our greatest strength and our greatest weakness. We can be masters of all species or the most ineffective like me. Many of us are victims of human consquence and self loathing.
  9. PaintedCanvas

    PaintedCanvas Active Member

    Have you been to see a doctor? You sound like you have a pretty good life, sweet boyfriend, amazing dancer. It's a shame people like you end up here. Anyway Welcome!:biggrin:
  10. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member


    You sound like a person who would pick at the smallest problems, I've done it and it's brought me to bad places mentally.

    I hope things get better for you.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum :arms:

    I hope you find the help and support you need here!!
  12. thebrain

    thebrain Well-Known Member

    Painted Canvas, no I haven't been to see a doctor. I have a not so irrational fear of being medicated. I've seen my mother be completely screwed up by meds. I guess, ironically, I fear losing myself to medication even though the self that I have right now seems to be so messed up. I barely take any medication unless absolutely positively necessary, and I'm worried about doctor's simply wanting to put me in a drug-enduced stupor.
  13. underthestars

    underthestars Active Member

    I know exactly how you feel. I myself have what one would consider a great life. Yet i to question why i'm here and coast through life. Your not alone and if you ever want to talk just PM me or find me in chat.
  14. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to our forum. Even those whose appearances are that everything is going well and they should be happy are spared from depression. It does not care who it affects. I am glad you have chosen to seek out support rather than harm yourself. I hope we are able to provide at least a portion of what is necessary to meet your needs. Take care and know there are people here that do care about you. :hug:
  15. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    welcome to SF x
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