New but lost

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hhman1967, Feb 2, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. hhman1967

    hhman1967 New Member

    I am new to this group so I don't really know what it is all about. I have been depressed most of my life. I feel my life has generally sucked but just when I thought things were turning around everything collapsed around me. I had met a great girl, we were happy, we dated, we got engaged. I thought everything was great. Then I got sent to Iraq for my second tour. Right before I was going home to see her on R&R she dumped me VIA email. She does not even want to see me when I come back. I have been completely devestated. I just don't get it. Right up until the end she told me how happy I made her and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.
    I have been hoping for a while that I would get shot or blown up but nothing ever happens to me. My friends get killed but it is never me. Most people will not understand me but I wish it was me instead of them. I have come to realize that the only way I can be killed in this war is if I do it myself. It is the perfect opportunity since my family will get a big life insurance payout (yes suicide is covered by the govt.) and the army will handle all the arrangements. Doing it here is the best choice. People always say things will get better but they never do. Hopefully I will not have to suffer much longer. I need to just do something for myself and stop the pain. That is all I want.
    I am not really sure why I am posting this. I just thought there would be some people in this forum that understand this line of thought. I am not afraid to die but I am afraid of living. My biggest fear is that I will not be successful in my attempt. Having heard so many stories of failed attempts has me wondering.
  2. BusterB

    BusterB Member

    hi mate, just registered. I know what you mean, not afraid of death but afraid of living. Its a tricky situation...i wouldnt be helpful if i didnt say "hang on".... im hanging on for one reason, my mum....if she wasnt here then it would be a diff story.

    I think if your in the middle of a war and the people around you are getting killed its a sign, its not your time, is it? if it happens in happens, but dont do it yourself, dont put your family thru that, no way man! you know im right. thing is your in the right place because you are FEARLESS, your like some fucking hero or something, well you are to fearless right now but i dont have the balls to be in iraq fighting a war, so total respect to you, your saving lives in teh longrun possibly, and thats worth carrying on for.....

    You have way more reason to carry on than me, you really do! as for that girl...fuck that shit, she's messed up if shes going to pull shit on you like that, your better off without. Keep fighting, keep stong.
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum hhman1967. First let me thank you for the sacrifice you are making for your country. I am sorry you are hurting to the point you feel suicide is the only way out for you. Sometimes the stress of a loved one being stationed across the seas is too much for the one left behind to handle. they face so many fears about what things will be like upon your return they choose to try and break free to keep themselves away from the possible heartache of losing you. I don't know if this is the case or not, but I do know that no amount of money given to your family could replace you. I hope that when your tour of duty ends, you go home and begin to build a fresh new life for yourself. You are worth giving yourself the chance. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 2, 2009
  4. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    having a relationship break up is always hard but i expect for you its even worse having to live daily with stress and pressure while in combat, after all, your buddies are relying on you to watch their backs out in the field.
    this is going to hurt for a while, you will have so many unanswered questions, a feeling of betrayal from someone you trusted, but trust me this will pass in time if you allow yourself the time to heal.
    you not afraid of living but afraid of living alone but this too will change in time although you may not see it right now.
    you do have a future worth living, family who will be totally devastated by your suicide, comrades and friends who will miss you and the support you give them.
    once i thought that a girl was worth my death but thats not true and not right, in time you will understand that but right now you are greiving for something that is lost from your life and you have a feeling of emptiness that is consuming you.
    don't give up on your life right now, give yourself time to heal and you will see that your life is worth more than a sad, violent end by your own hand.

    don't give in, be strong and take care
  5. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi. i am an american citizen, living in canada. i thank you for your sacrifice and your dedication. i would not be free to live my daily life - if not for those as are a hero.

    i do know what it feels like - to not want to die - but not think - you can continue to live. you put it quite eloquently.

    you know, in your heart, money can't replace your presence, your guidance, your advice, and your love. people need you .

    but. more than that. your death solves nothing.

    please keep reaching out and finding support. i think you will find a lot of caring people here- for sure - we KNOW what you are going through.
    i am living through the rejection of the love of my life - dumping me after i immigrated to ca to be with him. i've lost everything. i have nothing to go back to - nothing here. i am , to him, disposable. garbage. unimportant.

    but. i found here that there are so many in pain . . .. and when i reach out - they want me to live. amazing. i finally find those who understand. and i care about them.
    i hope that for you - that you will hang on - because the world is LESS without you soldier.
    pm me anytime. please hang on. .i care about you :hug:
  6. hhman1967

    hhman1967 New Member

    Thank you all for your kind words. This has just been a huge struggle for me. She was my future and we had so many plans. Now I can't imagine my future at all. I have nothing to come home to. Nothing to look forward to. This was probably the only time in my life thus far I had actually been happy. And now it is over. Each day the pain continues and it does not fade or get any easier. I just don't see any end in sight. I just want it to stop. The only time I don't hurt is when I sleep. Waking up to another day is the most depressing thing. Thank you all for your support.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey HH,
    I agree with the others that you are a hero. I am a former Marine and I am very supportive of what sacrifices you and you fellow soldiers do on a dailey basis.
    Loosing a relationship especially when you are so far from home is tough because you aren't there to fight for it. During Viet Nam there were thousands who lost the loves of their lifes because they listened to there friends. I'm sure this has not changed over the years.
    Suicide is not the answer, like andy said your fellow team members rely on you to watch there backs. There is a special bond you build between yourselves and you need to hang on to that.
    If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me anytime, I am on and off the forum all diferent times day and night. I don't sleep more than a couple hours at a time. You have my full support and I am here for you to talk to anytime!!~Take Care!!~Joseph~
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.