I am new to this group so I don't really know what it is all about. I have been depressed most of my life. I feel my life has generally sucked but just when I thought things were turning around everything collapsed around me. I had met a great girl, we were happy, we dated, we got engaged. I thought everything was great. Then I got sent to Iraq for my second tour. Right before I was going home to see her on R&R she dumped me VIA email. She does not even want to see me when I come back. I have been completely devestated. I just don't get it. Right up until the end she told me how happy I made her and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I have been hoping for a while that I would get shot or blown up but nothing ever happens to me. My friends get killed but it is never me. Most people will not understand me but I wish it was me instead of them. I have come to realize that the only way I can be killed in this war is if I do it myself. It is the perfect opportunity since my family will get a big life insurance payout (yes suicide is covered by the govt.) and the army will handle all the arrangements. Doing it here is the best choice. People always say things will get better but they never do. Hopefully I will not have to suffer much longer. I need to just do something for myself and stop the pain. That is all I want. I am not really sure why I am posting this. I just thought there would be some people in this forum that understand this line of thought. I am not afraid to die but I am afraid of living. My biggest fear is that I will not be successful in my attempt. Having heard so many stories of failed attempts has me wondering.