I hope this will relive some of my pressure, although I hate not being self-reliant/self-sustained. My life seems so stupid. I get over some of these challenges just to find out I should have been thinking of something else. I've had many traumatizing things happen during my brain development years (I'm 30 now). I believe everyones bad feelings are my fault. I believe I cant get better because I cant talk or communicate. I believe I'm not supposed to bring these kinda things to anyones attention because I could have Pre-meditated things. Maybe I believe someone else wrote this. The things below may not seem like a lot to you but they hurt my life a lot because it seems like just enough to make me appear like a stupid idiot when I'm not but not enough to be put under care. I feel like I have to be alone to straighten things out. Ive went to a private school where they seemed to teach me everything is beautiful and to love everything, then into the "real world" where I was so shocked I operated under delusions I can't remember most of the time. All I think about wherever I go is keeping people from knowing the things I'm writing about (they always find out a few of them every day/week) and that I will always be stuck in this stupid belief that nobody will know how I feel and it WILL catch up with and kill me. I've been electrocuted by a regular electric outlet (age about 8), gotten in a motorcycle accident when I was about 7 years old (step dad was driving), gotten in fights at school, dropped out of high school (got a GED), done to many drugs (been off them for a long time), totaled my roommates car, got in a few other car crashes and some close calls which could have been fatal. Ive hit my head by having a ball thrown at me (I was about 7 and it was a big dodge ball about the size of half my body), Ive been hit in the head with a rock, been hit in the head with a paint ball (worse than the rock), caught little league baseballs with my face, multiple bad sexual childhood events. I cant remember for @#$% (takes me forever), my mom lost me in the mountains for i think about 24 hours when I was 2 i think (I have no recollection of it), I get tourette's syndrome like symptoms, everyone except my families that I'm around hate or get very annoyed by me, my dad left when I was 2. I moved around a lot. I say OK or yes in conversations I have no idea what they are about, I got fired because I left work when I was feeling very dangerous to myself and others and didn't communicate well my reasons for leaving. I have no friends and believe I'm a type of disease so I push people away. I get very angry and anxious. I cant trust very many people. I'm running out of money. Ive been to therapists and I cant understand them, they seem to tell me to just be nice or want a friend which I don't like. I got diagnosed with abstine bar (don't know spelling) that makes me tired all the time, medication makes the fatigue worse. Theres probably more I forgot. Sometimes I think I'm psychic and can control people. Sometimes I think I can fix everything (its not as easy as forgetting about it). Sometimes I think people are aliens to help my pain. I think ill never get another job because I'm to messed up. I also think Ill never get a disability check so Ill become a bum. I have very strong suicidal thoughts. I figure out things way later than normal and usually at a unhelpful time (cant comprehend). It took me almost 4 hours to write this. Sometimes these feelings don't last long but there still there. Its very hard to believe theres hope for the pain I feel. Its like a amplified 3rd wheel type feeling. Its hard to leave my wife and family but the symptoms are terrible I don't know how I do it. I'm thinking of never speaking again. I come off as an anxious prick to society I think. I'm really uncertain what to do. Do you guys think I could get a job? I feel like I have potential but most of it goes to making myself appear normal unless I'm alone (I cant even do a good job at it). I don't think I can get a job. Why shouldn't I just end it all?