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New Counsellor - Should I give it up?

Discussion in 'Therapy and Medication' started by downunder, Jul 17, 2008.

  1. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I have finished with my old counsellor she left her job and started with a new counsellor.

    My old counsellor and I got on really well and just clicked same type of sense of humour (dry), I always felt happier after seeing her and looked forward to seeing her again. It was like chatting to a friend.

    New counsellor, totally different style. I think I spent half the session crying at one stage I could not even talk I was so upset. I left the session and cryed on my trip home. Today a day later I am still crying. She was asking a lot of deep and meaningful questions that I didn't even have an answer for and hadn't even thought about. Half the time I couldn't even remember the question. Even though she sat opposite me I felt she was invading my personal space. I was squirming in my seat, legs crossed and kept playing with the ring of my finger. I was never like this with the last counsellor. I used to spend half the session laughing. She asked me at the end how the session went, I said either "ok" or "I don't know".

    At one stage she said she could back off from me. She said now that yours daughter's gone, is it like she never existed. (or something similar, I can't even remember the questions).

    She asked "How do you get through all this stuff without doing your head in?".

    She even asked me if I thought I was crazy!!! I said no, then she agreed that I wasn't crazy and just a grieving parent.

    I am due to see her again next Friday and what I am worried about is Friday nights are hard for me as it is without her adding to it. My husband goes out with the boys that night, and I don't want to stop him doing this.

    Then on Monday I am off to see a psych for an evaluation. I don't think it will go good if after seeing her I feel like I did today.

    I don't even know how I am going to go at work as it is.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    When you go in Friday, you need to tell her the effect last weeks session had on you. She doesn't know you and what you can and can't tolerate at this point. I am sure she will rethink her strategy if she knows. I found with my therapist that I kept saying I was okay when i really wasn't. It wasn't until I was completely honest with her, that our relationship changed and she molded her session to fit me, not the average client she sees. There are times she still pushes harder than I am ready to go, but she backs off if I tell her it is too much. Remember they can't know if you don't tell them. They are there to help you, not make things worse. :hug:
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    My therapist is always pulling this crap when I say something she is always asking what the thought was behind my statement. All I can tell her is I don't know. She hates I don't knows and won't accept them. She says there is always a consious thought be hind your statements. Sometimes it gets under my skin. That and she is always comparing myself with her. She use to be depressed and was suicidal, then one day she had enough and went back to school and became a therapist. I have my own problems and I hate when she compares us . Other than that she is a pretty good therapist.:chopper:
  4. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    Friday, afternoon, was crying non stop for over 4 hours. Really worried about work next week, and this woman didn't give me any hints at all of how to deal with it. It is the same set of events that led to my attempt last time. I was upset again today.

    While I was in there I was so nervous I was sitting on the edge of the seat, not the front edge the edge closest to the door. I kept playing with the ring on my finger, so much that it came off!!

    This woman has a copy of my file. She told me it was thick. :sad:

    So have decided she has got to go!!!! Will ring on Monday and cancel the appointment.

    Have also noticed that I was getting myself in such a state yesterday and today that I could not stop thinking of different suicide methods.
  5. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    I think that there has to be a balance in the theraputic relationship. I can understand that it is not nice to feel upset when you're in a session but I wonder how far the previous counsellor was moving you on if it was just like chatting to an old friend. Counselling is not really a pleasant experience always, and I'd worry that you were not really dealing with the deep and sensitive issues that brought you to counselling in the first place if you were laughing and joking, and coming away feeling wonderful?! :unsure:
  6. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    My issue that brought me there was my daughter committing suicide and me wanting to join her.

    This counsellor was swearing as well. Not at me though just in general. I have enough with my boss at work swearing at me. Then she interrupted the session to go to the toilet.:laugh:

    She asked me at the end how I thought the session went. I mean how are you supposed to answer that. You can't lie, and can't exactly say to her, "Oh I feel much worse now, after seeing you and I feel like offing myself".

    She also told me that if she ever dobbed me in to the CAT team she would let me know first, I told her I would high tail it out of there. Then I asked her criteria so I know what not to say.
  7. Event_Horizon

    Event_Horizon SF Supporter

    The therapeutic relationship is very important, you need to feel at ease with the person your talking too. It may just have a been a bit jarring with this new person. You also may keenly be missing your previous therapist and are now acutely aware of how different this person is in comparison. They wont be as approachable to begin with, that all develops with time. But also you must understand that therapy can be hard, it is about facing difficult issues and the feelings that brings up. A therapist is not meant to be your friend they are meant to enable you to move through the difficulties in your life. However there must be some trust in the person and from all that you have said thus far it seems that trust is lacking. The moment you feel you have to hide how you feel you don't have a therapeutic relationship you likely have the exact same relationship you have with every one else which is to hide how you feel. Based on that I would suggest you look into getting some one new. Be gentle with yourself know it is a process that takes time and adjustment. Also don't forget the therapist also has to adjust to their new client.

    In my own experience I started off just talking about the mundane things, the minor worries the thoughts I could express that were not too intense for the first few sessions. I would elude to the larger issues with out going too deeply into them. Not until trust was established. It was like a testing ground for the therapist. If I felt more at ease to go further then that was the sign of trust developing. There is a difference between dreading your therapy session for fear of what you must not say and being carted off by a crisis team. Or dreading it because you know it is going to bring up hard emotions. Regardless I wish you the best on the road to recovery.
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member


    sorry but she sounds useless. i've gone through therapists who don't know what they are doing and are very dangerous to be around. she sounds like one of them. seeing as she's effected you so badly, i'd stay away from her.

    all this stuff about 'giving therapy time' if i had the experience you had, there's no way i'd give that woman any of my time.

    i know what good professional counselling is and i'm so glad i do. she just sounds unprofessional and lacking in boundaries.

    i'm so glad you know what a good counselling experience is. try and look for that in any of your counselling sessions. you seem to have a good gut instinct, as do i.

    is she a psychologist in the NHS by any chance? you mentioned the 'CAT team' and i've recently had experience with them (CAT)- really dangerous people to be around personally.

    take care, i do hear how much this woman has upset you and she does sound very unprofessional.
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: I'm so sorry to hear that. I knew that if I started CAT that this would be exactly what would happen to me, so I didn't go.

    She sounds so unsafe.
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I can relate to your not liking your new shrink. Mine retired so I am stuck with this new guy who can't speak english very well. I had to keep asking him to repeat himself. He didn't like that. I guess I busted his ego.
    I don't have any choice in the matter, he is the only shrink there. They also have two nurse practitioners , who just write you perscriptions and send you on your way.
    I do know one thing if he starts this shit about changing my meds I am going to come unglued. It took me about five years to find the right combination. Sure they don't always work. Most of the time they keep me stable where I am not hurting myself. So he had better back off!!! Sorry I guess we have the same problem. Sorry I got off on a tangent.I will wish you luck!!:chopper:!!
  11. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    Stranger 1 don't worry about going off on a tangent thats quite okay. I also know that there are no 2 people who are alike either. I also felt that it seemed to be all about her, and not me. There were topics I wanted to discuss. She also used a lot of big words such as collaborative, and others. At one stage I told her that I didn't have a dictionary on me, and didn't know what she was talking about. She also said she doesn't tell people what to do. At one stage she slapped her thigh in frustration because I answered some of her questions with "I don't know". She used phrases such as "to help us to work together" just sounds so silly to me. She seemd to be into deep and meaningful questions and I just can't answer those. At school when they were talking about poetry I used to be amazed at the hidden meanings people could extract. My parents went to counselling at the same place but saw someone different and they said she was great. With the old one I clicked straight away, this one just feel so nervous, like a school girl sitting in the principals office. I am the type of person who can talk the leg off a chair.

    I just googled her name, and just looking at her photo, on the website makes me upset.

    This is what it says about her.
    XXXXXXXXXX has worked within the health and welfare sectors since xxxxx. She is accredited and registered with the AASW as a Mental Health Social Worker Practitioner. She is a clinically registered family therapist with VAFT and has recently trained and is accredited as a Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner with the Federal Attorney Generals Department.

    XXXXXXXXX has 10 years plus experience in counselling with individuals, couples, families and groups. She has specialist skills in working with addiction issues, adolescence, anxiety and depression issues. Wendy believes in treating the person in a holistic manner and is currently trained in ISET (Simple energy techniques) which is best described as a relaxation technique.

    So much for her relaxation technique I felt anything but relaxed.!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is one of those new age sites. I am a little funny about those.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 20, 2008
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    she generally sounds like a social worker not a counsellor who deals with individuals. a social worker who deals with family stuff.

    i don't trust social workers. social workers who might be trained family therapists doesn't mean they can call themselves qualified to deal with individuals and say they are equipped to do that. even if she was (qualified counsellor), she sounds awful.
  13. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    Okay I left a message today for her saying I wished to cancel Friday's appointment and not make any future appointments. She emailed me back, and said that she would leave my file open for 4 weeks as she does with all clients who make this decision. She then said she could understand as I had been with the other counsellor for so long that I might not want an alternative counsellor. (I am happy to go with an alternative counsellor, just not her!!!). She has only been working at my place of work for 6 months, so maybe a lot of people decide to quit.

    Then she said they could send me to an external person and they would fund it but only so much then I would have to fund it myself (not doing that one).

    So my husband rang up the office today and asked if I could switch to someone else. They will get back. He also rung up his counsellor and she says I am in urgent need of counselling.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 21, 2008
  14. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    why not be open to another counsellor, even if you have to pay yourself maybe there is someone with a sliding scale. the waiting list to see the psychologist at the outpatient clinic here in cork is 18 months. i got on the phone and found someone at a non-profit counselling center in town. i pay about 30 euro; the center covers the rest.

    the reason i say be open to more counselling is that it is clear that you are still suffering. on your other post you say you are restocking your 'supplies' and that your husband found them. my hope for you is that you find a way to reduce your suffering until the day that suicide no longer seems an option for you. it is possible, but sometimes we need help to get there.
  15. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    Yes, I am waiting for work to get back to me. I was suprised by the formality of the counsellor's email. I thought I would just be able to talk to someone else straight away. I am due to see a psych for an evaluation next Monday, so will see what happens there. There are some times when the feeling is so strong, on my way home from work in the train, sometimes I say, tonight is the night. One thing that keeps me going is my routine, I work full time and do a paper run 3 nights a week after work so I don't have time to fit it in.
  16. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    until the feelings go away, i also stay busy. i also defer (not tonight, tomorrow...). for me, the best support i had was a community mental health nurse. she's not a therapist and we didn't get into the underlying reasons; instead she was like a good friend that i didn't keep anything from. she saw me twice a week at first, then once a week with a phone call in between, and then once every few weeks. now i am done seeing her. she would just check in to see how i was, how i was sleeping, eating, recommend different things to try, like exercise. when i started to relapse (a few times) she would strongly suggest i go to the hospital for an assessment. i was lucky to never be admitted, although strongly suicidal. she was just an oasis of calm, non judgmental support. even if you don't find a counsellor, find out if there is anyone else like a mental health team that you can work with. keep trying. you are worth it.
  17. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    ive only recently been transitioned from the child pyschology team to the adult pyschritry team, and it was a scary period, but i understood why they had to change. i was with my old counsellor for a year and a half, so it was really scary that i wil have to start speaking to someone who i didnt have a clue about or anything. but when i got there it was ok. i still cant trust them completely, but it took me a long time to trust my old counsellor as well (i have trust issues).

    dont give it up, as you never no it might work out for the best, just needs a bit more time maybe. if you stil feel uncomfortable, ask to change counsellors, to see if this helps.

    Good Luck

    Xx Sky xX
  18. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I got this email back from her, I have added my own comments in the brackets.

    Thank you for your telephone message this morning I am sorry to have missed your call. (I didn't intend on talking to you) That's fine if you are not wishing to attend any further appointments ( I would like further appointments just not with you) at this time. I do respect the fact that after such a long association with xxxxx it may be difficult for you to feel inclined to connect with an alternative counsellor (yep you definitely fit the "alternative" criteria) . I would like you to know that xxxxxx will continue to be avialble as a support for you. I will keep your file open for the next four weeks as I do for all clients (I am a person, not just a client) who make similar decisions (this tells me in the 6 months she has been doing this for xxxxxx that a lot of people (clients) can't stand her and give her the arse) and I will look forward to hearing from you if you change your mind. (I don't think so, unless I have a death wish, and want to pushed to the edge) Alternatively if you would like me to facilitate a referral for you (I don't want you to do anything for me) to one of our external providers this will be possible too, although such a referral would come wwith some funding restricitons that would mean xxxx could only fund a certain amount of sessions and then after that you would need to self fund ongoing sessions. Please do not hesitate in contacting me (I would not contact you, unless I wanted to make a quick departure) xxxxx if xxxx can be of any furhter assistance to you. All the best
  19. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    What tremendous losses...your daughter's death and your therapist leaving...no wonder you are crying...the new therapist may have been too aggressive before having a trusting relationship with you...tell the person in charge that you need someone more empathetic to what you are going through...DO NOT RUN AWAY...then you will be abandoning you, and that is not what you need at this time...so sorry for all of your losses, and plez PM me if I can help in any way...big hugs, J
  20. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    My husband rang and asked them for somebody else, they said they can't recreate the last therapist. I mean I know that. He told them what went on, and they weren't really that helpful. He even told them that he found things in my bag. If that is not a warning sign to them, I don't know what is.