Well, i have decided that it is time to give it all up... I,m sorry everyone.. I just dont see a reason to stay or live anymore.. i am already dying so with me going earlier it is not gonna make that much difference to anyone anyhow... I cant do this anymore.. I cant fight both.. if it was just one then i could at least try but it is 2 that i battle and i have given up... I cant stop thinking about it and to ease this pain i need to do it... my doc set me up to speak to hospice the other day and it is true i need insurance or pay it myself for the pain meds... They did all the paperwork anyhow and gave me a few pain meds to last a few days and to my understanding they are going to work together to try and get my state insurance back in enough time for me to have plenty of pain meds for this cancer... but i dont see no reason to go on.. there is no cure and it will only prolong it for a little while and perhaps give me a little more time?? But more time for what?? More time for me to be alone? More time for my broken heart of losing everything i ever cared for to suffer more? I dont think anyone truly understands what i am going through right now, i dont think they can even comprehend what it is like... Is it just me? I am just a stupid crazy lady? I just dont really see any reason to go on... I know that deep in my heart the daltons dont care and they never cared, i know deep in my heart i will die eventually of a troubled soul because i cant seem to do anything right with them or with others.. Heck i cant even do anything right here and it seems i am always posting cause i am so down so much.. in all honesty the only hope i had of going to Heaven was the hope that one day i could at least make things right with the daltons and with others but now that i know i can not do ( because they are unwilling to ) then what point does it serve me to even be here still.. That was my only hope and now its gone.. I basically have nothing.. nothing ever goes good for me.. nothing is ever right and nothing is ever fair to me... I could easlily say that my life of 35 years has been nothing but a complete waste of time.. i am useless because i cant help others , i am worthless because i cant even get things made right even just on speaking terms with others. its just no good.. i am just no good... im sorry everyone but i just dont see or have that hope i once had and i even have been losing my faith and the longer i try the harder it gets... the emotional pain will exceed the cancer pain a lot more now and my decision is now final... i have no hope left , its gone and i cant shake these feelings of ending it all... i cant shake them.. this hurt is just too much..