New Date is Set

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Jul 27, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Well, i have decided that it is time to give it all up... I,m sorry everyone.. I just dont see a reason to stay or live anymore.. i am already dying so with me going earlier it is not gonna make that much difference to anyone anyhow...

    I cant do this anymore.. I cant fight both.. if it was just one then i could at least try but it is 2 that i battle and i have given up... I cant stop thinking about it and to ease this pain i need to do it...

    my doc set me up to speak to hospice the other day and it is true i need insurance or pay it myself for the pain meds... They did all the paperwork anyhow and gave me a few pain meds to last a few days and to my understanding they are going to work together to try and get my state insurance back in enough time for me to have plenty of pain meds for this cancer... but i dont see no reason to go on.. there is no cure and it will only prolong it for a little while and perhaps give me a little more time?? But more time for what?? More time for me to be alone? More time for my broken heart of losing everything i ever cared for to suffer more?

    I dont think anyone truly understands what i am going through right now, i dont think they can even comprehend what it is like... Is it just me? I am just a stupid crazy lady? I just dont really see any reason to go on... I know that deep in my heart the daltons dont care and they never cared, i know deep in my heart i will die eventually of a troubled soul because i cant seem to do anything right with them or with others.. Heck i cant even do anything right here and it seems i am always posting cause i am so down so much..

    in all honesty the only hope i had of going to Heaven was the hope that one day i could at least make things right with the daltons and with others but now that i know i can not do ( because they are unwilling to ) then what point does it serve me to even be here still.. That was my only hope and now its gone..

    I basically have nothing.. nothing ever goes good for me.. nothing is ever right and nothing is ever fair to me...

    I could easlily say that my life of 35 years has been nothing but a complete waste of time.. i am useless because i cant help others , i am worthless because i cant even get things made right even just on speaking terms with others. its just no good.. i am just no good...

    im sorry everyone but i just dont see or have that hope i once had and i even have been losing my faith and the longer i try the harder it gets... the emotional pain will exceed the cancer pain a lot more now and my decision is now final...

    i have no hope left , its gone and i cant shake these feelings of ending it all... i cant shake them.. this hurt is just too much..
  2. Simmy

    Simmy New Member

    Hi! I can understand what you are going through but don't be so disappointed.
    Life is like that a bouquet of flowers but these flowers have thorns too.
    Ending life is not the solution. We don't know what is waiting for us after death.
    Life is precious. We feel that we are the only ones who have problems but this is not true. There are so many people who are in a worst condition than us and they are still living.....Be brave and never think of ending your life.
  3. fixmein45

    fixmein45 Member

    Hi White Dove,

    Ever since I got past this suicide thing after my accident earlier in the week, I've felt a lot better. I went to church yesterday. I can't say that life doesn't have it's bad moments, today wasn't as good as yesterday and if I dwell on the things wrong in my life of course my thoughts turn negative... but you can't always see negative.

    I can't being to imagine what it's like to have cancer and know your running out of time. I can't fully grasp what it feels like but I do understand somewhat how you feel. I understand you don't want to go through the last of your life with suffering.

    But if it's really the end why are you going to just waste the last of it by checking out early? I'd do all the craziest things I could think of while I had the time. What difference does money make now? If you have some spend it, go someplace, do whatever you can. I saw a video on YouTube of a young man who was dying of cancer, he latched onto the back of one of those really fast trains they have in Europe (the kind that go over 100mph) and rode on the back of it all the way to the next station!

    If you have the funds, go somewhere you always wanted. Say to everyone that you haven't "made things right with" what you can to make them right. If they don't accept your apologies or whatever you decide to do... then go out of this life knowing that in the face of a woman dying of cancer they didn't even have the compassion or understanding enough to forgive you. Which makes you better.

    I've seen you linking to inspirational videos about God on here. I have to say that if you really believe in God (not sure what religion you are)... then you should know that suicide, according to The Bible will result in going to Hell. I know that if you believe, you should realize that life is a gift and no matter how much time we have left, you shouldn't just throw that gift that God gave you back in his face because it wasn't exactly what you wanted. No matter what kind of suffering your going through, if you believe in the things I mentioned then you know that Heaven will be exponentially worth whatever pain you go through. Did not Jesus die slowly on a cross to save you and everyone else? You don't think he suffered? He did and he felt it, but he didn't lose faith even while suffering, he called out to his father. Besides, anything good can happen in the last little bit you have. Anything. It won't happen if you end it now so don't, please... don't.

    I have wanted to say something to you for a few days now but did not think I had the right words or the maturity in context or the understanding to really make any difference. But you seem like a good person and I've thought about you outside of this forum... during work and during a movie and even at church. I don't want to see you do something like that to yourself.

    Just know that you are loved and do whatever you can to make what you have left of your life as great as ever. I don't care if you think nobody cares about you or forgives you, because I care about you and anyone who can't forgive you, especially in your situation, is shit anyway.

    We all make mistakes. Bad things happen to good people. This is not a great world we live in. But it is the only one we have. Everybody is dying. Everyone is taking a step closer to the grave with every day. Life goes by fast. I see suicide as being pointless now. Life is so short anyway, might as well live it through to see if anything gets better. Because if this is the only existence we get, I'd rather my voice be heard, be it now or fifty years from now then to just be silenced forever. Because I matter.

    You never know what could happen. I'll prey for you. I care about you. And I don't want you to do it. So, please, don't.
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    No person can ever understand exactly what you are going through because they are YOUR experiences, and yours alone. God will love you and protect you until HE decides to take you from this world.

    You have so much love and help us all.
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    yes peanut i know that he does love me..

    You know what worries me the most?


    You want to know why?

    Because i have helt some people very dearly close to my heart yet they have not done the same with me.... Perhaps it is because they thought of the worst without knowing the facts? And i have tried.. i honestly have tried to explain things and talk with them about things but it seems that they really have no heart... And that is sad.. it is very sad that they have no heart at all...

    Like we talked earlier, i must really be crazy because i have feelings and worry about things instead of worring about my own self.. I am like keeping a guilty conceanse because i hurt them unintentionally and i did it when i let my nieces who at the time new no better , and i have pleaded in prayer many times if only i could make things right somehow but it always turns out that i can not do that...

    i was not obseesed and if i seemed like it , then im sorry i did not mean to appear to be like that. I was missing my mom who was taken from me and now im going to be taken away by the same thing and i cant change that.. i cant change anything...

    BUT I AM TRYING TO CHANGE WHERE I WILL SPEND MY LIFE WHERE MY SOUL WILL GO but cant do it myself... How can i make whats right without knowing what is wrong? Can you not see or understand this? Am i really that bad of a person? I know you read this, i know you do.

    i tried sending you a letter , it came back to me refused... i worry and i worry about a lot of things i should not but i still do... if you are refusing to help put my mind and my spirit at ease then i am on the wrong path already and without your willingness to help ease my mind, then i might as well go on and do it.. that is why i set the new date...

    this is not fun.. this is not a joke.. this is my sincere reply, my life is going to end and i dont want you coming by on my death bed.. i dont want you to see me like that nor do i want you to remember me that way.. I cant do it alone.. i just cant and its not the right way.. you know that..

    How many times have you preached on how one cannot come before the almighty until they make things right with everyone else , their fellow brothers and sisters , etc... you know this.. Are you willing to talk?? and no i dont mean by phone.. i mean face to face and eye to eye, are you willing to do this or do i go on and go through with my plans and with my new date set?

    if you dont do this , then im going the wrong way anyhow... chances are i will not get the insurance to stop this stupid pain because thats the way my life always goes. i have hardship upon hardship all the time. nothing ever works out right for me and besides i am going the wrong way right now and cant turn around with a mind that is not at peace, with a heart that bleeds , with a spirit that is ready to give up...

    my date is set.. its up to you now... only you can put my mind at ease.. Are you willing? this is not a joke. this is not fun. i have cancer. its killing me inside slowly. i have an emotional pain that is killing me inside my heart.. You said you wanted my pain to stop, well do you? DO YOU REALLY WANT MY PAIN TO STOP? DO YOU REALLY CARE FOR ME AND MY SPIRIT? Its up to you now..

    i wont be on this forum forever.. its in your hands now...
  6. roro

    roro Well-Known Member

    white dove, i think i know what you are going through, but then pain is relative, so I dont know if my pain is as bad as yours.

    dont think your life was a waste, you have probably helped people you didnt even know.

    you have a PM
  7. life

    life Well-Known Member

    White dove why dont u wait and see what will happen? maybe u wont die maybe some miracle happens yeah..i think u should contemplate about it ..oke....Millions and millions of people have cancer some die and some get better unexpected...I had a relatyive also she was in PAIN AND THE DOCTORS SAID TO HER THAT SHE WOULDNT LIVE she has no chance and suddenly she got better and it has been 10 years and she iis very happy..the cancer the pain that she had all gone...please think about it !
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    roro , i got your pm and you have one also.

    life... What have i got to live for? nothing , absolutly nothing....

    i know this cancer will take me.. it took my mother , and grandma , and granpas on fathers side , and 4 cousins , and 2 friends... it has eaten up way too much of me and spread way to far .

    nothing but a MIRACLE could do it , and if you have known my life and the hardships i have went through my whole life and where everything always goes so wrong for me then you would understand that my chance of getting a MIRACLE from God will NEVER COME ABOUT... I think God hates me.. i honestly do think he hates me, look at what has happened to me all my life.. There is no way God loves me.. and as much as i hate to admit it but i am begining to lose my faith, and not only my faith in God and in myself but in ministers , and christian people... i hate saying that.. i really do but i am begining to believe that...

    so , lets suppose by some miracle , someone with my blood type , age , etc just so happens to die in a car wreck and i have a perfect match for the kidneys , liver ,right lung , and pancreas. Do you know how many people are already on the list waiting for those organs?

    Think about what you are saying???

    Could God do it??? Yes he probably could but would he do it for me??? No he would not cause i cant even get a minister to come see me and talk with me about things that could ease my mind and put my mind at peace at least before i die. If he is Gods true minister then God doesnt want him to which means that God doesnt love me, etc.... Im not dumb , at least not on that.. i can understand and come to conclusions on my own about whats going on.. i am unloved... totally unloved..

    I used to think that things were a test to me.. a test to see how much i could stand or how much i could take but not anymore.... yea right , God gives me a second chance to come back here and live and suffer to die of cancer.... What a loving God he is???

    i should have died.. and now i wished i had.. if i had , my niece would not have been allowed to use my computer, people would not have gotten hurt.. they would have been only hurt by my taking my life but that would have eventually be forgotten in time, they would have remembered me by my true heart before i did it , etc.. but no i was stupid.. i was scared and i chickened out.. yep you guys saved me that day didnt you? you cops brought the ambulance to the park to get me , etc and now i have to suffer a cancer pain,, yep , umhum , thats really saving me , right ?? NOT ...

    I even tried. i even tried to fit back in at the church, but no i couldnt i had done a bad sin, etc.. things changed , your love to me changed , and heck look at me now.. consequences , yep , consequences of me taking the OD and NOT DYING...... YEP YOU SAVED ME BUT DID YOU REALLY LOVE ME???

    Where were you when i needed you? Where were you , your hugs when i was dying inside my heart wanting to make things right with God for my OD, Where were you??? Why did i feel like i was left out? Why did i feel alone when i walked up front that day during the gospel meeting? Why did you say , you gotta talk with the men of the congregation , you cant keep doing this , etc? Cant keep doing what? REPENTING , ASKING GOD TO FORGIVE ME? WHAT WAS IT THAT I COULD NOT KEEP DOING?? IT SURE AS HECK WAS NOT LYING CAUSE I WAS NOT LYING. I CAME BEFORE GOD WITH AN OPEN AND HONEST HEART THAT WAS HURTING BUT YOU COULDNT SEE THAT... YOU WERE THINKING OF MY PAST...

    YES I REMEMBER IT. I REMEMBER IT ALL CAUSE IT HURT ME DEEPLY THAT DAY BUT YET I TRIED TO FORGET IT AND MOVE ON... then online at the local chat boards or whatever you want to call it, i was litterly called a whore of attention by a stupid icon , oh yeah and online at CT where you changed the ruels about the little system you had and i asked if i could post , what did i get told? why should i let you? etc... wanting me to beg.. Those online seemed to be my only friends and loved ones but no you would not even let me post with all you powers of being high and mighty , and what about my friend taylor? the 8 year old boy who got burned? remember him? you had retired post about him just because he was a cop before, etc you wouldnt even let me post a prayer, etc..


    What would happen if i post my cancer online there? you would call it a lie or a stunt for attention , or whatever.... but let me tell you so called goody goodies , it is real. this is not a JOKE , NOT A FREEKING LIE , AND I AM GLAD I FOUND A PLACE LIKE THIS TO POST. ONE THAT I CAN POST THE TRUTH ON WITHOUT ALL THE HURT OR REJECTION...

    they understand my pain here and i finally found a place that knows what true love , care , and concern is all about... And when i die.. either by this stupid cancer or by my own hands they online here will be left of a memory of me that was hopfully good and comforting for some here..

    sorry to all SF ers if this seems kind of harsh , but had to let it go , been keeping it up inside me for a while.. I love everyone here.. YOU ALL ARE THE GREATEST AND I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH...
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