New different urges

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by SongIsOver, Aug 24, 2014.

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  1. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    Recently I've begun having new & different types of urges. Pretty much all my life was just an urge to cut (long before anybody else knew about these things, long before it was a "thing" in society so I never got help either). Last 5-6 years of life have been really bad and so I've gone through periods of just wanting to gouge it all open. It's like a physical craving...

    I've gone through even more really bad crap recently that's pretty much destroyed me. And there's just nothing in life that I feel okay or care about..... it's so complicated with so many things I can't do because of misc. ptsd, and that I really don't want to have to do anymore, so there's not even any "hope" because I really just eschew everything. Hard to explain. Everything you're "supposed to" do as an adult - I'm so fried about, I can't do or I don't want to - and it's not like it's temporary and I'll "heal" and "get past it." It's permanent and has been growing. It's just that I don't fit into anything that's the way you're supposed to be and live.

    There's no medication or counseling that's going to help.... basically I'm a mis-fit into the world as it is. No pill could make the world something other than it is, or turn me into someone who wants to live it the way that you're supposed to. And I've failed at "making a life the way I want it." Just surviving, doing what one needs to keep going - or having to worry about surviving - prevents me from being able to do anything toward my self. I'm lost and I feel gone, and frankly - literally I don't even "feel" it anymore. Any drive or passion or keep trying toward impossible, too-late dreams... I don't have the time or energy, I just don't..... I don't have the ability.......not good enough..... not "smart enough" to have figured out a solution, so nothing really means anything anymore.

    Anyway the new urges are...... feeling like I want to stab myself in the chest with, say, a big long skewer. Then it started wanting to punch myself in the face with my fist. Then it's evolved in the past few days or week into..... well, the DirecTV remote is just the right size, shape and heft, and it's an almost overpowering urge to just start hauling off and hitting myself in the face with it.

    I'm not a violent person and I've never hit anyone, nor am I probably even physically capable..... I sprain myself just trying to punch a pillow. But this urge is almost impossible to resist. I'm finding it really hard.

    I don't want any praise or "Good job!"s for not doing it. To me that would feel not only condescending but... something else I can't explain. I don't want to hear "but you're getting through it" or any of that other stuff. I'm not getting through it. I'm not okay. There's nothing to help me anywhere. I just feel so done with everything. Like when you have a bad relationship and you're just done with them. But I feel that way about everything. Just done.
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