New feelings.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ManCG, Nov 2, 2010.

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  1. ManCG

    ManCG Active Member

    I'm an 18 year old guy and I've always been fairly happy with how my life was going, things were good, life was good.

    Until recently (and when I say recent, I mean the past few months) I have been experiencing some horrific feelings that I haven't ever had before. Things in my life have just seemed to decay in front of my eyes.

    I can't explain these feelings as well as I'd like to be able to, but thoughts in my head have been consisting of how life is so pointless and I really can't bare to go through it all. We start school at a very young age, and our whole childhood pretty much revolves around it, then there's college afterwards which I have already wasted 3 years at, as I now have no interest in what I was studying.

    I'm growing up, and I don't like or want it. I see myself getting a job, working every day of the week, not finding anyone to show affection to and love. Everything just seems so pointless, and I really don't want to deal with the shit that comes with living.

    I am unhappy, and I just do not know what to do about things. I sit there at night and I don't want to live anymore. Sometimes I plan things in my head, and convince myself that I will not live any longer, and as each day goes by, it just gets worse. The only thing that can make me feel any different is music, and that just numbs it and allows me to lose myself.

    For me, life doesn't seem worth living, and I don't want to do it anymore.
  2. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    Go home to your parents and tell them, show them your love and affection and take theirs in return. Trust me, if you tell them then they will help.
    Take a year out from whatever you are doing and try living a different life, it doesn't all have to be about getting a job or a girlfriend or whatever.
    At least then you've tried a different way and if it works then you've won, if not then you can think again about your options. 18 is such a young age to just give up, so just give it a year and see what happens.
  3. ManCG

    ManCG Active Member

    I know my parents would care, but I just don't want them to have to deal with the shit I'd put on their shoulders if they knew how I was feeling.

    Taking a year out - I'd need to get money somehow, and I can't find a job anywhere. Then the year out, I'd just be working, going nowhere. This is my point, everything just leads to nothing. Maybe I'm wrong, but this is how I feel, and it's the worst thing in the world.

    Thankyou for the reply.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    have you been diagnosed with depression? if not you might want to investigate this, and see if meds and therapy would work for you. it would be a shame to kill yourself over a chemical imbalance. therapy is the best thing i ever did for myself.
  5. ManCG

    ManCG Active Member

    No, I haven't been diagnosed. I wouldn't know where to start with therapy, and to be honest, I really wouldn't want to go through it all. :(
  6. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    They are your parents, it's their job to carry that shit, believe me your death would be a million times harder for them to deal with than helping to support you now.
    You need to move away from whatever it is that is making you unhappy. That's easier said than done I know, it's a horrible thing to be going through so young and it must be terrifying but that's why you need to let your parents pull you through this but they can't help if they don't know and you can't do this alone.

    As Dazzle said - see a doctor, meds will help but not alone, you've got to work with them.
  7. ManCG

    ManCG Active Member

    I just don't think therapy or anything like that will help me at all. :(
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    therapy isn't for everyone but it's really helped me. my therapist helps me think of my history/experiences in a new light, and she challenges my tunnel vision when i get stuck feeling a certain way. she encouraged me to get extra help the last time i was struggling with suicidal feelings (i ended up going into the hospital for a week). she is my biggest cheerleader. it's nice to have someone who believes in you, who genuinely likes you no matter how much you hate yourself. it's hard work but i highly recommend it.

    i'm also using medication to deal with my depression. it took a while to find the right combo of meds but i feel way better. when i wasn't on meds i was so desperate and in so much pain i did attempt suicide. i'm glad i didn't succeed.

    you sound depressed to me and if that's the case i want you to know that depression is def. treatable. i'm not a professional (obviously!!!) so it would be better to get a definite diagnosis from a doctor. help is out there. you don't have to keep feeling this way. it does get better.
  9. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Hey ManCG. As dazzle11215 suggested, this sounds to me like depression induced by a chemical imbalance, so it's really important that you speak to your doctor as soon as possible. If this is the case, meds will help so much, and ensure that this is just a temporary glitch.

    You're so young, and you've got so much going for you. College may seem like a waste of time right now, but even if you don't pursue what you've been studying, you'd be amazed at how much you've learned. Nothing like that is ever a waste of time, trust me, I've been in exactly the same position.

  10. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    You need a hobby. Something that you are passionate about.

    (1) watch movies
    (2) Photography
    (3) Read Novels
    (4) Take up Role Playing Games (like Advance Dungeons and Dragons)
    (5) Become a volunteer
    (6) Take up cycling or scuba diving
    (7) Join a political movement
    (8) Join some kind of association
  11. DeepEmz

    DeepEmz Well-Known Member

    Im sorry that you feel this way.

    I think it would be a good idea to go to your doctors, explain how you feel and they can find you the right route for help. Ive thought before in the past it wont help, but finding the right person/type of help really does.

    Have you got any friends that you can speak to about this if you feel you dont want to go to your parents? Or even writing your feelings down like in a letter helps to express your emotions if your not comfatable with talking in person.

    I think Steven is right a hobby sounds a very good idea. Is there something you feel you would like to learn or take interest in?
  12. ManCG

    ManCG Active Member

    I used to be keen with photography, and I used to love going out and taking photographs, but I just lost all interest and motivation for it, along with most other things.

    I have spoken to someone a lot recently from this forum (makes it easier to tell things I'd never tell friends I know in real life) and it has helped me quite a bit.

    It all got kinda worse the other night, and I had a real weak moment, and I cut a few times; something I've never done before, and now I have a real urge to carry on, and I know it's not the right thing to do at all.

    Maybe professional help would be beneficial, but I really don't like the idea of telling anyone about this, or speaking about it to someone personally. It kinda makes me feel nervous.

    Thanks for all the replies. It means a lot.
  13. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it's scary talking to a professional the first time but in my experience it is well worth it. the first person i told i was suicidal was my family doctor. i thought i was going to throw up i was so nervous but he was great. referred me to the local mental health services, who set me up with a community nurse, which led to a therapist, and so on. if you go to your doctor be as honest as you can about how you feel, they have heard it all before and are usually really supportive. friends are great (online friends, too) but a professional can help with the hard stuff.

    i also self-harm (i cut) and i would advise you to resist as much as possible. it takes away the urges at the time but it is addictive. soon you are cutting more often, more places on your body, and deeper. i wouldn't wish that for you.
  14. ManCG

    ManCG Active Member

    I really would seek a professional if I knew my parents wouldn't find out. I'm nearly 19 years old, so it's not like I'm scared of them or anything, I just don't want them to know that I'm feeling like this and what I'm doing. It'd break their hearts and I don't want them to see me like this.

    I never planned on cutting until the other night and I don't really know why I did. I didn't like doing it at all, but there was this sense of relief while I was doing it, that I haven't felt in a long time. It seems to be the only way I can feel like that. I don't want to carry on, but the urge keeps coming back, and I can't find any other way to make me feel even the slightest bit better.
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If it is a chemical imbalance the medication will help you greatly talk to your doctor okay or one at the college and just get prescribed some antidepressants Noone needs to know if you don't want them too. I know as a parent i would want to know so i could help you. Parents are pretty resilent people you know and we can give lots of direction and help If you don't want therapy okay try meds okay you could be feeling better ina couple of weeks on them.

    There is alot more to life then work you will find that out okay you will meet new people as you move forward in finding a job etc
    If youare not happy with the programs you are taking the transfer into some other field of study okay Do what makes you happy as you have to live with it no one else does.
  16. ManCG

    ManCG Active Member

    I wouldn't know how to go about asking them or talking to them about if I should take antidepressants or anything like that. I also don't want to explain too much to whoever I talk to, and end up in a more serious situation. It'll just make them aware, and then they'll try and give me more help than I want, and I don't want that. :(
  17. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No not if your to the point stating you have recently have had sucidal ideation that you are not intending to go through with it but are deeply sad all the time
    You need to ask directly for help in the means of medication so you can go on with your education. If they ask more just say you rather not get into but really need help to ease up the sadness.

    a regular doctor can order meds for depression no different then ordering meds for headache etc just make appt and ask doctor to give you something to get rid of all the sadness inside you.
  18. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    are you worried about being hospitalized against your will? you are only hospitalized if you are in imminent danger, with a definite plan, time and date set, means at hand, and so on. not for feeling suicidal or for cutting. you are in control of what happens.
  19. ManCG

    ManCG Active Member

    I just wouldn't feel comfortable telling a doctor that I've been feeling suicidal. It's not something I could bring myself to talk about with someone I don't know, or even someone I do know.

    I'm not worried about being hospitalized, I'm just kinda worried that if I told a doctor how I'm feeling, they'd refer me to a specialist or something, and I can't do that :(
  20. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    just say you are very sad deep inside sad then okay no need to stay sad or with these thoughts not when a medication can take them away
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