I've had a number of times within the last two months where I literally couldn't HATE my life anymore if I tried. Hate everything about it, except for my kids and dog of course. They're the ONLY things I have going for me. It's everything else I'm having tremendously overwhelming issues with, including a brand new deeply profound sense of self loathing. It's this obscene extreme of self hatred that makes it exceedingly difficult to see beyond it when it's at its strongest. Have NEVER felt or seen myself this way before!!! Have hated my life before, but never myself. I can see it's part of what makes it exceedingly difficult to function right now, and definitely plays a role in my not wanting to be around anyone else. I continually feel the self loathing now, but it does get significantly worse at times. Obviously, no amount of meds are going to help keep me from or help me thru such times, either. Meds can't help with perspective, and I'm even less convinced that therapy will help at this point, too. Right now, therapy just makes things worse, much, much worse. This extreme self hatred has become a set of deeply ingrained beliefs already. (Been going on for about 2mon now.) The other abundantly overwhelming issues at times hit dreadfully hard, and I can say with certainty that when this time does strike is when things become very extreme in my mind. It's not for a lack of trying to think of ways thru all this, either. I've never tried so hard to think of something, anything I could do to improve things, but to this point I've been completely unsuccessful. The lack of success in figuring a way thru stuff in conjunction with the extreme self loathing is what is contributing most to the dangerous extreme's mentally these days. I know this, but can't seem to stop it, either. When things hit this extreme it becomes irreconcilable and/or unable to be resolved in my mind. Plain and simply, it's TOO much all the way around! The longing becomes so intense I still can't seem to describe it, but totally 'losing it' definitely seems to become a realistic and distinct possibility when I'm at this point. There is literally a physical pressure behind this, too. I would imagine it's comparable to trying to push a 500lb weight off me. Can you imagine the pressure you'd physically feel even attempting to do that? What would happen under that kind of weight if it can't be pulled off? Can you even imagine what it might feel like to have that kind of weight crushing you? That's how it feels in my mind, and it's strictly related to how I'm feeling and functioning (or lack thereof) mentally at the time. It's a VERY desperate place, and it's been even more extreme as of late. Each time it happens it's like another 100lbs has been added as if I could handle anymore. Things may seem clearer to some at this point, but for me it becomes even more chaotic. And being a person who has a very strong gift in high level reasoning (tested and proven) and order has always been extremely important (because it's so helpful) maybe that says something. Suffice it to say I find it to be like trying to hang onto an oil covered bar of reason, and obviously being unable to maintain any kind of grip. How I've managed to get thru these times w/o assistance so far I can only say is a miracle, and I mean that most literally. It's becoming significantly more extreme each time it happens, though, and I kind of wonder if it's because it keeps happening. I don't know, but how long I'll be able to continue to get thru these episodes can't be quantified. Something in me mentally feels as though it's going to 'give way' at times, and I find myself feeling dangerously close to going to some desolate place in my mind and not being able to find my way back. I actually find it both scary and yet oddly welcoming. Crazy, isn't it? My resiliency appears to have been tremendously impacted, too. Technically I'm really mortified and terribly concerned at the lack of it I've had the last couple years, and I've noticed it's become even worse with each major thing that's happened. (4 major trauma's in those 2yrs) It never used to be this way but now? I couldn't take anymore right now even if I wanted to. Hence, I'm off the charts sensitive these days. People have told me they love me and/or care. Then they've slapped me in the face, punched me in the gut, bashed my knees and stomped on my feet. Which do you think speaks the loudest? People have told me I matter and/or have value. Then they've ripped my heart out leaving it for the wolves to feed on, spit down my throat, and discarded my body in the desert for the vultures to devour. Which do you think speaks the loudest? How is it I still even have breath at this point?