new girl in town-

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Eloquence, Jan 19, 2015.

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  1. Eloquence

    Eloquence Member

    Hello, this is Eloquence and I'm a new member, was being very creative about the title, sorry for that.
    First I'd like to apologize, I'm a 15 year old from a not-english-speaking country, so excuse me if this "vent" contains typos.

    Yeah..Suicide stories, huh? I want to say that I never thought I'd actually write a thread in something like a forum, or even less talk to strangers about my feelings at all. Then again I won't know whether you can really call them feelings. I feel empty, like an empty vessel, as if I'm able to feel the ..blackness inside of me. Haha, yeah, I know, a lot of you are probably reading this and thinking "Just turned 15, what the f'ck does she know about hardships, she's not even legal yet!". Sorry for that. But please believe me when I say that I have my own piece of history behind me.

    Well..what I actually wanted to talk about..I guess it is the reason why I got here in the first place?
    So, seeing as I'm quite young, I started out as an outcast in the young age. My personality is kind of strange, I'm a tomboy-ish girl that only played with boys and never minded getting dirty or crashing trucks and cutting of Barbie's hair, but on the other hand there are so many girly parts about me. I'm the most cheesy and romantic person for my age, very sensitive while still being a loud, arrogant-attitude-but-soft-kernel-kind of person, who is scared to death of many things. Phobia of lightning, for example, which no one but me and my close family knows about. So, when I got into elementary school I first started being an outcast. I was nerdy and dressed girlish, so none of the boys talked or replied to me when I talked to them, because at that time my classmates were still like "Eww, girls", well and the girls didn't like me either, cause I was -different-. So it was just me and books. That continued on until I got into the secondary school. I had a few friends here and there, but they mostly left me for stupid reasons. "You smell of smoke cause your parents smoke, and the others don't want me to be with you", "You're using me as a handkerchief"
    It's like they didn't see all the times when I was being there for them at all. Didn't see me for my character at all. Aah, I just craved being loved or recognized for the things I was able to do. At that time I was 11, my parents divorced and I first logged onto a community that is part of why I am writing this.
    Youuutube. Yeah, I'm part of Youtube business. Just a small channel, nearly 500 subscribers, but every single subscriber was and still is a big deal to me. I found people who I could really talk to, even if they lived about 3800 miles away. I had people to laugh with about the same jokes, people that asked me how my day was and were closer to me than my family. Nothing hard, though, but still.
    Things in school started getting worse and worse then. I stopped doing my homework when I was 13, got a lot of bad marks in return and had that typical don't-care-style. Rebellious stage? Meh. I didn't want to get up in the morning. I never wanted to get up. I wanted to sit in bed, logg on the laptop, smile and cry with those people I could never reach.

    I started growing apart with society in my real life allthemore, and I was 14 when I met him. My first love.
    Yesyes, I met him online. Gawd, leave me aloooone. Just kidding. Well, so I met this person from youtube- that time I was, due to my situation in my reallife, also with my parents, so depressed that I was cutting and had planned to kill myself. I don't know why, I probably felt the huge need to BE SAVED still, even if I did not believe in being saved, so I posted a suicide note on my channel. Wrote a last message. Tried killing myself shortly after.
    My message passed on. I failed in killing myself and saw what at least 18 people had written in the first 10 minutes the video was up. I know, I know "Then why are you here, you lucky person!" Yeah, that's what I thought too.
    He, my first love, was one of those 18 people. Though, he was different. He didn't comment, wrote no PM, he just added me on skype and wrote "Hey". To be that time, even though people cared I was so fed up with reading "I know you'll stay strong, I love you!", because after could they love me? They were strangers. All of them. Nearly none of those 18 were people I had heard of before.
    He was different. He messaged me and I suspected him to be the same, but instead of asking about me or writing a support message, hE STARTED VENTING HIMSELF. He started telling me about his situation, his depression and I don't know, I just...I lost my temper. I snorted at him, went "Do you fucking have any feeling of tact left in that brain of yours, retard?"
    I didn't message him a long time after, but he kept bugging me. Eventually I let him in. And once I had fallen for him, he became distant. Told me he made me fall for him on purpose for whatever reason, but actually didn't love me. From then on I got to know his real character and started loving him even more. He is just..different from all the boys I've met before.
    There is a 4 years age gap between us, he is 18 right now, nearly 19, but I love him like no other. We are currently in a relationship too, since after 9 months of fighting and fighting he finally admit his love for me too. So now this is a Long Distance Thing from Germany to America.
    So then, why am I here, right?

    I'm here, because he and I, we are both depressed. We love each other passionately. And I know that, even if he used to be a Womanizer, I am his first real love, not a crush, purely love. But depression makes both of us into ugly people.
    My situation at home got really bad. I was kicked out of the house by my dad over christmas, I'm getting watched like in a prison and they also took the most important thing in my life, next to him, which is music. It is horrible. School also didn't get any better, no real friends. Grades are average.
    Same for him. His situation is just as bad, or even worse, with other circumstances. And instead of working with each other, all this time that we have known each other we keep's like..
    On Day 1 we build each others confidence up. I love you, you're the most beautiful girl/boy in my eyes, I'm so happy you came into my life, you can do it, never have I ever had such strong feelings towards anyone or anything. And on Day 2, we put it all down. You make me want to kill myself, you're a piece of shit, you bitch, you asshole, why don't you break up with me then, if I'm not good enough. That's how it goes.
    It's a constant switch between cloud 9 and rock bottom.
    And I can't.
    I love him. We both want to live with each other when we're older, we're both saving up money and he said he'd take me from there. From this place.
    But it's so hard because we both want to support each other, but aren't capable of that due to our own situations. We're not strong enough to hold the other up.
    It destroys me. Feeling like I'm not good enough. Having just one person and still being too much of a lowlife to save at least him.
    But even if things are so hurtful..we can't be without each other.
    I know he is the reason I'm still here and I also know he will really whither and maybe also attempt suicide for the...fourth? or more.. time if I were to die.
    We're each others saving grace and death all at once.

    That's why I've come here. I need help. I can't shoulder all this.
    The feeling not good enough. The still not being able to kill myself at the cost of his life and the future with him too, I can't stand it.
    So I'll keep venting here, time dragging on so painfully.

    Nice to meet you,
  2. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    Well, you write better then most english as a first language people. Better then me!
    Just because you are 15 doesn't mean you do not have the same feelings and problems as an "adult". In fact it is worse for you because you have less experiences to help you cope.
    I can look back on what I was at 15 and say that in an added 40 years not much has changed. So I will not say your life views will change in time. You are allowed to feel all the feelings you are and be frustrated.

    I wish I could say that your relationship will get better as you learn how to compromise....Yet I just ended a relationship because I could not compromise.
    Statistically a relationship begun at your age doesn't last but people are individuals and not numbers.

    The only "advice" I can give you is to stay strong for yourself not for anyone else.
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