New Guy. Feeling like crap!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by VileWorld, Oct 16, 2013.

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  1. VileWorld

    VileWorld New Member

    I am feeling highly suicidal everyday, but I know I will not do it -- at least not soon. Although suicidal thoughts invade and pervade my thoughts, I continue, stoic, pretending like everything is fine. But how can I be fine? I can barely get up miserably to face the dreadful sun burning my being, the world out of kilter, and ringing in my ears.
    Since I was young, I knew that I was different. I was quiet, shy, and thought of death frequently. Laying on my bed, I cried because of an unknown poignance. I began to be bullied later in my life. This halted my social development. Alone and in pain, I had my first suicidal thought-- back in 7th grade. I did, however, kept living because when I saw my mother and brothers lying sleep, I was unable to leave them. The bullying and depression lasted until my senior year of High School. Soon after starting High School, I developed social anxiety, and this drowned me in deeper distress, so I made little friends, did not go to parties, and stayed at home all the time.
    I started community college. I was hoping that something could be different this time-- that I would make friends, laugh, and go out. None of this turned out to be true, however. I am taking a dental assistant course, but I am floundering, not for the work but because of my neurotic nature. I can't handle it anymore. I want out! Again, I won't do anything. This is because my only purpose is to help my family and make sure they are well (we grew up in poverty and general disadvantage). It would be irresponsible in my part to leave now. Everyday, I laying on my bed, I realise that an end wont come soon, which makes the wait unbearable.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i hear you and i am sorry you are so sad ARe you able to talk to a councilor at your school It help and they are there for that purpose to help students that are depressed and struggling It is good you want to help your family hun but you need to look after YOU ok first your dreams what you want to do Perhaps take a course on side of interest to you so you will have something to look forward to music or art or anything language course something that will help you meet new people and also break up the day a bit hugs
     
  3. VileWorld

    VileWorld New Member

    Thank you. Yea, I am seeing a school counselor, and even though I haven't changed my perspective, the sessions serve as a cathartic release. I wish I could take certain courses, but my family cant pay for them. Right now, I need to start working because my mom is out of a job for medical reasons, and I want to help. I speak spanish already and was learning Russian in High School. I want to go to people and start a conversation, but my social anxiety always make me too frighten.
     
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