Hey Guys. I'm 23 yrs old and I've been having suicidal thoughts for as long as I was 16. I've actually tried to do it a couple times, each time the potential tears of my mother brings me back to my senses. I tell myself that at least for her I must live on. She already lost my sister, she wouldn't be able to handle another one of her kids going out. In my life right now, why I constantly(everyday) battle the thoughts is because I am a university student...well, was. I dropped out. No one in my family knows this. They all think that I am still attending. They have such high hopes for me that I really don't know how I am going to be able to tell them and I know that the longer I actually withhold the information, the worse the end result will actually be. Anyway I have a job right now and I'm trying to get certified in networking so I at least I end up as something in life. I'm also really alone... I feel like if I go now, only my mother will b all teared up. Which is not true because I have a good amount of friends, but this is like a 'being in a crowd and feeling so alone' type of situation. There's a girl I'm talking to right now. We are not together. The furthest we've gone is kissing and touching. I've spoken to her a couple times about entering in a relationship with me but she doesn't trust me. I have no idea why. The thing is, she has no idea how big of an effect she has on my mood and thoughts. She's my light right now. I only feel truly at peace when I'm either around her or talking to her. She likes me a lot but sometimes she distances herself from me in order to not get too deep. It tears me up inside every time she does that. If a day goes by and we don't talk or we talk just a little the thoughts creep in. Suddenly the windows start to taunt me in the night, almost as if they are telling me to jump because I have nothing to live for. I hate the feeling, my heart feels heavy, my breathing gets labored and my body starts to ache. She knows I have suicidal thoughts, we spoke about it once for like 5minutes... What she doesn't know is the effect she has on me. I don't think I should tell her this because it will just drive her further away I think. It took me awhile to find a site like this and I'm glad there is one because I desperately need someone to talk to about these things. I really have no one I can confide in, I don't trust the people that are closest to me with these thoughts. The fear of being judged coupled with the fact that I hate when people know things about me stops me from really sharing anything about me. Here where I can be anonymous is really lovely. Thank you for reading this long thing, if anyone does.