New Guy Here. What I'm going through.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by TheOfficialMe, Oct 1, 2015.

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  1. TheOfficialMe

    TheOfficialMe Member

    Hey Guys. I'm 23 yrs old and I've been having suicidal thoughts for as long as I was 16. I've actually tried to do it a couple times, each time the potential tears of my mother brings me back to my senses. I tell myself that at least for her I must live on. She already lost my sister, she wouldn't be able to handle another one of her kids going out. In my life right now, why I constantly(everyday) battle the thoughts is because I am a university student...well, was. I dropped out. No one in my family knows this. They all think that I am still attending. They have such high hopes for me that I really don't know how I am going to be able to tell them and I know that the longer I actually withhold the information, the worse the end result will actually be. Anyway I have a job right now and I'm trying to get certified in networking so I at least I end up as something in life. I'm also really alone... I feel like if I go now, only my mother will b all teared up. Which is not true because I have a good amount of friends, but this is like a 'being in a crowd and feeling so alone' type of situation. There's a girl I'm talking to right now. We are not together. The furthest we've gone is kissing and touching. I've spoken to her a couple times about entering in a relationship with me but she doesn't trust me. I have no idea why. The thing is, she has no idea how big of an effect she has on my mood and thoughts. She's my light right now. I only feel truly at peace when I'm either around her or talking to her. She likes me a lot but sometimes she distances herself from me in order to not get too deep. It tears me up inside every time she does that. If a day goes by and we don't talk or we talk just a little the thoughts creep in. Suddenly the windows start to taunt me in the night, almost as if they are telling me to jump because I have nothing to live for. I hate the feeling, my heart feels heavy, my breathing gets labored and my body starts to ache. She knows I have suicidal thoughts, we spoke about it once for like 5minutes... What she doesn't know is the effect she has on me. I don't think I should tell her this because it will just drive her further away I think.

    It took me awhile to find a site like this and I'm glad there is one because I desperately need someone to talk to about these things. I really have no one I can confide in, I don't trust the people that are closest to me with these thoughts. The fear of being judged coupled with the fact that I hate when people know things about me stops me from really sharing anything about me. Here where I can be anonymous is really lovely. Thank you for reading this long thing, if anyone does.
  2. autumnleaves

    autumnleaves New Member

    First of all: you should know you're a very brave person, to come here instead of keep it for yourself. Second: think about YOU first, be a little gentler with yourself, a little kinder, i know it seems hard get through days, weeks, months, a year even - but try, and try a little to be happy every morning you wake and see you made it. And about the girl: don't overthink, maybe she's scared of what she feels, stop blaming yourself, or just try, at the beginjing is not going to be easy, but keep on your mind that the only thing against you is your mind, you will win!
  3. TheOfficialMe

    TheOfficialMe Member

    Hey, thanks man. Often times I see myself as a big coward wrapped in a sheet of bravery, a facade. I mask these things with humor, the pain. I'm the funny guy. Sometimes to put you first, you first need someone to do it to you I think. I've never had that someone before. I need that someone. Thanks for the reply, honestly feeling better already
  4. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum TheOfficialMe. We are glad you found us, but really wish no needed it. But as you can see, the membership list is rather large.

    I remember how proud my parents were when I started college, ages ago. For reasons of total disclosure, I am 63. But I quit too. I just did not know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Probably because I did not want to grow up. I eventually did return to school to earn a BA. That is something you can do too. Remind your folks of that when you tell them you quit. I think you know that is something you will eventually need to do.

    Regarding your girlfriend. Do take it slowly with her. You never know what happened in her past. Maybe something occurred that makes it almost impossible for her to trust. She may need a careful, gentle, non-rushing soul to help her heal. And you obviously have more then your fair share of pain. So taking things slow and easy may be good for both of you. You certainly don't want to rush things and scare her away. That would only hurt you both.

    I am glad you are taking your mother's feelings into account when you contemplate suicide. Did you sister take her own life? A second such loss would be devastating to your mom. She would never understand it, and would always be hurt by it. One of the things that stops me is thinking about the mess I would leave behind. Not just my body, but also all my possessions. My brother would have to clean it all up. I don't want to do that to him. Also, many attempts are not successful and just leave you in more of a mess. So I have decided to remain among the living for a while. I hope you do so too. There is time for a lot of fantastic things to happen in your life.

    Again, welcome to the forum.
  5. TheOfficialMe

    TheOfficialMe Member

    Hey SillyOldBear. No, my sister did not take her own life, she died of sickness but the devastating effect it had on my mother, I could not willingly do that to her.

    I know I will eventually have to tell them but I want to at least finish my certification. That way I could go to them saying, 'Hey I didn't finish school but at least I got this to fall back on, right?' I'm sure I'll be back in uni doing what I truly love, law.

    Thanks for the welcome. I'm liking the community already :)
  6. pooky

    pooky Living with A Beautiful Mind...

    Hello theOffiicialMe. Welcome to SF.

    Just like you, when I was 16 I had started to develop suicidal thoughts.

    You have a job right now which is great because you will be occupied with your work and then those suicidal thoughts will not be able to affect your life. You have dropped out of university but you did not disclose it to your family. I think you should do it as early as possible because firstly, one day they will come to know about it, so the sooner they know it the better it is for you and your family. Secondly, you have a job so tell your family that since you are working, you can through your own money (from your salary) maybe after two years enroll in university again.

    You also feel alone in a crowd. Just like you I feel the same. I think you should talk more often to your friends about any topic from serious work related topics to discussing any other topics like what they have eaten last, where do they do their shopping from, what are their hobbies,what movies they have seen last, etc. If you do this more often, then you will not feel alone. Actually when you are interacting with your friends then be honest, laugh when needed, speak more often, and don't think that the other person to whom you are talking is better than you or anyone else. Share everything about yourself to your friends from your thoughts, feelings, emotions etc. Do this slowly but gradually and the feeling of being alone in a crowd will definitely lessen over time.

    Now about your relationship. You should communicate more with your girl. Even it is for 5 minutes, you have to communicate effectively with her.
    You should talk to your girl that you can't live without her.Say, you two are discussing about having ice-cream together. Then while you talk to her about ice-cream then you can tell her that,"And you know these are really the best days of my life.I am the happiest when I am in your company and I can't live without you." Don't be serious when you say this. Keep the matter light when you talk this thing with her. The result is if is she is a good human being, which I believe she is, then she will come closer to you and will love you even more genuinely with her full heart.

    You write extremely well. Your sentence construction is very good. You should keep a diary and write more often. You can also go for a career in writing. You can create your own blog, search for freelance writing career etc.

    You are a strong and brave man. You care for your mother a lot which is incredibly great. You are aware of her feelings, thoughts and emotions. You are a good human being.

    Lastly, I want to say that whenever you are doing any work for yourself or for others ALWAYS BE HAPPY when you are doing that work because we ALL must remember that there are many in this world who do not have a family or friends, job or a relationship. There are many who crave for these things and we should be thankful for the things we have. We should not desire to have more, instead we should focus on what we already have and try to develop or improve those things or relationships further.

    Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for reading my post.

    Do reply TheOfficialMe. We will listen to you.
  7. TheOfficialMe

    TheOfficialMe Member

    Hey, thank you Pooky (I like the name :)). I think the friend and the girl advice will be the hardest for me to do. I'm not the type to really open up like that. I've tried so many times but always found myself coming right back into my shell when I'm about to say something. This is kind of why I label myself as a coward. I know I need to change, and I will one day. As you said its a gradual thing.

    You know, funny enough I was looking for a blog site for like a month so I could express myself. I never found one off of google. I don't know, maybe I wasn't searching hard enough. Would you have any recommendations?

    I think I will let my family know that i've dropped out before the year ends. Its about time I did.

    Thank you for your comment Poolky
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