New guy hit rock bottom

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Murph89, Jul 13, 2012.

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  1. Murph89

    Murph89 New Member

    Hi everyone. Im a 22 almost 23 year old male living in NYC. I moved here from So cal 3 months ago. First time living away from my parents, but im living with my aunt so its really no different. I would like to share my story and how im feeling at the moment if anyone can give me any support or insight or suggestions it would be greatly appreciated as im considering suicide for the first time in my life.

    I graduated high school in 2007, and went on to work and try school. School didn't work out because of girlfriends pre occupying me and what not. BY the time I was 19, I broke up with my girl friend, and I started to hang out with the wrong group of guys. All i did was work, smoke weed, and eat shitty food. My skin began to break out horribly and my self esteem and confidence was crushed. I dealt with it for a year before making a change. I ditched the group and focused on me and my skin. My skin cleared up wonderfully by the time my 21st bday rolled around. My skin remained clear for 16 months. Life was amazing. I had good friends, girlfriends, and i was doing everything I wanted to do. Going from a life where my skin was horrible and I was not able to be myself, to being able to finally be myself was amazing and I finally felt alive. I was feeling so great that I wanted to start taking the next step in my life. I enlisted in the Navy. I was stoked. I enlisted in June of 2011 and was going to be shipping out for boot camp March 2012. Life began to move forward as I neared my date.

    February 2012 came, 1 month before I was going to ship out. I went to Vegas for a UFC fight and Superbowl weekend with friends and it was kind of my last hoorah before boot camp. Im not sure if it was the stress of the trip, or knowing I was leaving for boot camp a month later, but my skin broke out for the first time in 16 months in Vegas. My trip was ruined. It was horrible. I got home and my skin began to get worse and worse. Knowing I was leaving in a few weeks made everything worse. I was in panic mode. I saw dermatologists, did yoga, acupuncture, therapy, to try and calm myself. I ended up leaving for boot camp March 14, 2012 and only lasted 5 days before I let my skin, anxiety, and depression get to me. I got discharged from boot camp and was home early April 2012.

    My parents recommended I move to NYC and live with my Aunt and start over fresh where no one knows me. I struggled with the idea, but I made the move. Ive been here for 3 months. My skin is still absolutely horrible. I have seen 3 dermatologists here, and finally saw a good one that I trust. I started a new regimen with him on Tuesday consisting of antibiotics and topicals. My skin looks the worst it has in 6 months. I feel absolutely defeated. Ive been working with a therapist here who pushed me to get out each day, but I am un able to do so. I sit in bed all day, and cry. My life has gone from shitty, to amazing, now to the worst its ever been. Im emotionally exhausted. I never thought at age 23 I would be dealing with skin issues again. MY dermatologist says I have a combo of Adult acne, rosacea, and a dermatitis around my nose. I feel like im in fucking 16 again!

    Ive had visions of committing suicide so I can end my misery and not have to live in constant depression each day because of my skin. Ive shared this with my parents and therapists. Ive never been suicidal before, but im seriously considering it. I see my parents and sister for the first time in 3 months this weekend. They are going to see how horrible I look. Ive lost 30 lbs and my skin is horrible. Im a skeleton of what I once was. I dont eat and I pretty much am a zombie each day. I just get through each day miserable waiting for the next. Therapy does absolutely nothing for me because I am absolutely un willing to go out in public the way I look and feel. I do go out when I need to go to the market, or therapy, but other than that, i dont do anything. Im miserable and I would rather be dead then to feel the way and look for any longer. I know thats a common phrase "i would rather be dead" but seriously....I would. I would rather not be alive and have everything end, then to feel miserable day in and day out, and feel like nothing is working. The only thing keeping me from killing myself is my family. My mom expressed to me that she would not be able to get out of bed each morning if I did anything to myself. I cant hurt them like that. I care about them more than anything, but they have NO clue what I go through on a day to day basis. If I didnt have a family like I did and that I cared about as much as I do, I would have already ended my life by now. Its been a fucking nightmare of 6 months to say the least.

    Thats my story in a nutshell. If anyone has anything to comment on, suggest, or just say, please please please do so. I need any support I can get. Thank you very much.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you are caught in a cycle...stress exaserbates your skin problems and your skin problems cause said you tried yoga..I meditate twice a day at least, sit meditation, so that I am not a live wire...find something you can do for a few minutes and build up the program...PM me if you would like me to share my routine with you...we all have to find what works for us...I use Tibetian bells and chanting because I am prone to so much noise in my head...this tends to quiet the monsters for me and distracts me from those of luck to you and find ways to do little steps...maybe speak to someone while going out so that you are not alone...welcome and glad you shared with us
  3. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    Hey just wanna second Sadeyes - I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down. I'm kind of trapped in life too, so I understand that feeling. Your body, mind and emotions sound to be at war with themselves. It sounds like what's hardest, but probably the most necessary for your to accept yourself. EFT tapping (sounds corny, but when you're on the verge of death, you gotta try anything, pancakes). EFT is weirdly powerful for accepting yourself. I don't know why it works, it just does. And p.s. Every single hero is traumatized when they see the enormous terrifying beast they have to fight. It is lonely fighting monsters...but that's also the stuff of legends....
  4. Murph89

    Murph89 New Member

    Thank you both for your responses. I see my parents and sister and brother in law for the first time in 3 months. It will be nice, but at the same time very hard because I'm so upset about my skin.
  5. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about all that... I've suffered with acne since I was about 11 or 12 years old. I'm 33 now and still got it fairly badly. Dermatologists haven't been able to help much. I've changed my diet, changed skin care products, I've pretty much tried everything. The only thing that ever worked was antibiotics, but the second I stopped taking them, all my acne came back. I know how it feels. Honestly, I don't even worry about it anymore because I know there's nothing I can do about it. If people want to judge me because I have irritable pores, then quite frankly they can go fuck themselves. :)
  6. Murph89

    Murph89 New Member

    I don't care what others think of me, I care what I think about myself. I see pimples on my face and feel gross. I'm fucking almost 23 years old and I'm dealing with acne. M family and friends all have perfect skin, and I'm constantly avoiding ppl bc of my skin. I can't live with shitty skin anymore. It's demorilizing!
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