New here, and falling apart

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by violetskies, Apr 6, 2009.

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  1. violetskies

    violetskies Member

    Hi, I'm new to this place and these boards. I am not however a stranger to suicidal thoughts. To say I'm in crisis right now is a bit of an understatement, not that it matters.

    I know that no one knows me. I generally am a bit of a loner. I don't mean to be, just never have much luck keeping friends. But recently (the last 6 months) I've taken isolation to all new levels. I now have zero friends/aquaintances. I also cut contact with my family at the end of last year (which made xmas a REALLY fun time for me).

    But this is not the source of my suicidal tendancies. It's just extra bleh.. coz my life wasn't bad enough already. I won't go into details as I don't want to trigger anyone. Let's just say I never got over abuse that happened 9 years ago. Ever since I have been trying to get professional help in order to get better. Unfortunately I have either gotten idiots who just don't "get it", or I get ignored altogether by the national health service.

    Take last week for example. I saw the clinical psychologist for my bi-yearly appointment. Yes.. you read right, bi-YEARLY.. No wonder I can't get better! Anyway this lady pretty much just says "How are things?", I reply "terrible", and I get sent on my way. That's pretty much how it goes usually. Anyways, I told her point blank that I NEED talking treatment. It's too difficult, I can't take it and I NEED help NOW. What happens? I get sent home with another appointment in 3 months time!!

    I'm so sick of this. I try and I try to seek the right kind of help. I keep going for what? I KNOW nothing happens straight away, but I've been trying to get some decent help for 9 years. I can't do this alone, and now.. the way my RL situation is, I really AM alone. Recently I got funding for support people (after a wait of 2 years) to help me get out the house. Oh the joys of social phobia. They have zero experience with that, and no clue on how to make it easier.. although they're pretty good at making it a whole lot worse. And to top it off, the stress from this stupid new support has me so wound up lately that I can't stay asleep for longer than 4 hours at a time due to my nervous system going haywire for the millionth time.

    I guess I should shut up now, since I seem to be starting a short novel. But I've been alone and in silence for too long. It has to come out somehow and I don't know what else to do.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome; glad you found appointment...that is criminal...and for her to do seems you need to find the fire in your belly that advocates for yourself more effectively...getting the services you need (therapist and pdoc) or go to the emergency room so they have to treat you...being isolated continues to serve the worthlessness feelings...but you did come here and brave...thanks for letting us get to know you and please continue to post how you are doing...J
  3. violetskies

    violetskies Member

    Thank you Sadeyes for your kind reply. The fire in my belly died out around 5 years ago. Along with the help of my mother (who I no longer speak to) I managed to kick up a fuss about some of the really useless therapists I've had in the past, including writing letters high up the chain. All it served was getting rid of one bad therapist, and getting dumped with a new bad one.

    Ok so some of it was due to having asperger's syndrome (undiagnosed till 2 years ago). But even now that the mental health resource centre knows about that.. all they do is tell me I'm complicated. Like that helps..

    As for the emergency room.. unless you've actually made an attempt, they tend to look at you as if to say "why are you wasting our time?". Even if you have done something stupid but are relatively speaking unscathed, they tend to do the same. Like on Xmas day when I had a giant argument with my sister and I knew I just couldn't trust myself to be on my own.. all that happened was some doc came out to speak to me in the middle of the night, gave me a valium to get a good night's sleep, and left it at that.

    I swear the mental health service in Scotland is a joke. I'm tired of fighting those that are supposed to be paid to help us. I'm tired of keeping myself going, just get doors slammed in my face over and over.

    I'm sorry this post is so negative, but today is so hard and it's really hard to see my way through the fog.
  4. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    I understand the isolation part. I can't get out there to make friends, or do anything much. When I do meet people my age it's difficult to talk freely because I have quite bad anxiety. Being out of uni and not having a job means i've been incredibly isolated. Add to that depression and hyperhidrosis and it's a mess.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    That really sucks the way you are being treated..Do you have private therapists there that you could see?? I am an isolationist also.. I have been held up in my bedroom for 15 years.. I only come out to go to appts. or to the grocery store, or for the incendentals around the house..I haven't had any friends outside of the forum for the past 20 years.. I pushed everyone away because it was to embarrasing to have to tell my story to them..My therapist tells me if I am more comfortable Isloating then there is nothing wrong with that..I'm an old fart now so it doesn't matter much anymore..I have my dog and the bond between us is strong, thats good enough for me..I suffer from augoriphobia, socialphobia, depression, anxiety, irrational thoughts, mood swings, and suicidal ideations..I take different meds for each of these and they help to keep me stable..Why don't you see your regular doctor and talk about your different issues and see if he can't put you on a regimine of meds to fight your different problems...Take Care!!
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