New here and guess feeling sorry for myself

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by graycloud, Nov 23, 2007.

  1. graycloud

    graycloud Member

    Truth is I’m not good at sharing my feelings. Sometimes I can’t share because I really don’t know what I’m feeling. I guess that could be a good thing. Forgive me if I ramble, I’m new here and not really sure why I’m here. I’m sure nothing I say will be anything new nor worth the space I’m using to put it in. I guess I just need to vent or maybe I’m thinking someone will have something magical or life changing to say.
    My Dad died November 30 of last year. I think I’m dealing with it ok since I had a dream the day before fathers day where he came to see me and anyway I’m happy for him because I know he’s ok. It’s just that I’m not ok because he was the only person in the world who was always there. He never turned his back on me. He loved me unconditional and the truth is he was all I really had. I do have a son who I love with all my heart and I know he loves me too. He’s the only glue that holds me in this hell I live in. If not for the pain I would cause him I would take my life with out a second thought. For so many years I have tried to understand why I’m so down on myself and life. I’ve tried to change and better myself in all areas of life but I fail at every thing I do and even worst I seem to fail the ones I love the most. It’s like there is a curse on my family and it’s been past down to me. I’m not a terrible person. I don’t cheat, I don’t do drugs or steal, I think I’m respectful to others, yet it’s not enough. No matter how hard I try I always feel like I’m in a box, trapped in my own prison of loneliness and despair. I can’t brake out of this! I’ve tried counseling and the pills that seem to only cause other problems that make me hate living. Nothing has worked! Why must I live like this?! If god is merciful then why has he made my life a living hell?! I just want to live but this is not life, it is hell!! As much as I would like to ramble on and bore who ever reads this I just want to sleep now. I can find some peace in my dreams at least.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 23, 2007
  2. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    i'm sorry for what you been throu i'm here if you wanna tlk hun :hug:
  3. Hazibell

    Hazibell Well-Known Member

    welcome to sf, im sorry you have been through so much, hopefully you will feel that you can let your feelings out here there is usually always someone to listen, PM is you ever need me.
  4. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome to SF happy to chat anytime i look forward to seeing you around the site hun :smile:
  5. Yana

    Yana Active Member

    I just thought i'd reply. I'm not very good at sharing my feelings either so I guess what you wrote jumped out at me. Equally I often don't feel anything or dont know what I'm feeling. At the moment my problem is feeling too much! Anyway I think it would be rare for someone to have something life changing to say and I'm afraid I cant fulfill that one. I can only say that the way you speak has a resonance with me. We seem to think alike about ourselves which I dont think is a good thing for either of us! I do think its fantastic that you had such a great relationship with your dad and it sounds like he's still watching over you. He'll never leave you because he lives in your heart. And you obviously have a loving relationship with your own son. Do you have any idea where your pain has come from? Has something happened maybe? You mention a curse on your family so are there problems you can ID there? I dont expect you to answer to me of course, just throwing up what I heard really. Anyway you havent bored me, and I think you have very valid things to say. You sound like a really nice person if thats not too cheesy!
  6. graycloud

    graycloud Member

    I may have not got any life changing words from this post, but it is always good to know that as alone as we may feel in life there is always someone out there who can relate to our feelings. When I was in counseling I surprised myself by all the pain that was bottled up inside me. It was things I had pushed down so deep that I guess I had forgot they were there. At first it was like a painful infection that must be cut out for it to heal. Suddenly I was feeling every painful memory and every fear in my 33 years of life all at once. Sometimes I would leave the counselors session and feel so sick I would throw up and then go home so wore out that I’d sleep for 16-18 hours straight. Opening up and letting all this that had poisoned my mind and soul for so many years was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. After a while I looked forward to my counseling and group sessions. I knew if I kept fighting that I would one day get to the core of the infection that was taking over my life and the group sessions helped me realize that there was always someone out there who had it much worse than me. After 10 months though, I was sick of hearing people whine about their screwed up life's, and frankly I was sick of hearing myself whine as well. I never found the core of the problem, I just decided not to be depressed anymore. Nine years later I've fallen everyday a little more right back where I was before and too stubborn to get the help I need because it just seems pointless. I might as well have cancer eating at me from the inside out. Remission would just be torture knowing the cancer will always be hiding around the corner waiting to hit me when I least expect it. Not that I’ve ever been in prison but I would guess that a person sentenced to life would eventually accept their fate and make the best of life as it is. Depression is my prison so I guess I must try and make the best of it if not for myself, then for my son. I’m just so tiered of fighting myself and life. I want to feel sorry for myself but I can’t even do that with out feeling guilty that there are so many others who have even less than I do to give them some little bit of hope. After a while feeling sorry for myself turns to guilt then guilt to anger. It’s the poison burning inside me and I hate it and I hate that I don‘t know how to rid myself of it!
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 24, 2007
  7. Yana

    Yana Active Member

    Hi! I've too tried counselling with numerous counsellors over the years. I never really find talking to such people helpful and letting stuff out has always been too painful and made me feel even worse than when I started. I came to the conclusion about 10 years ago that I shouldnt dwell on the past and was just going to get on with life, stop moaning, stop feeling sorry for myself, stop being depressed and just get on with it. It worked ok for about 10 years. Then I had a recent crisis situation and it all came flooding back - flashbacks etc. I tried counselling again and to my amazement I found someone special who I felt could really help me. It was like I'd found the person I had spent decades looking for. Then the NHS stopped me from seeing her as I had my 6 allocated sessions. We manipulated 6 more but then it ended. It was like my last hope of ever healing had been ripped from me and it stll feels so cruel. Now I just exist. I know I cant get better by myself yet I cant find a therpy or treatment, or anything that works for me. The one thing that worked I cant have (- they wont let me see her privately either). I too feel I'll never escape what is inside me. I think I'm too damaged to ever feel ok. I just have to try and live with it even though I know that I may not last long. I essentially keep going because I have a child and I worry what the impact of me going will have. I also worry what the impact of me staying will have. I wonder which is best for the child. there's also a small part of me that refuses to give up hope and wants to live regardless of all I believe. I too feel I'm in a prison but like you I'm very tired. i just want the pain to stop for a while. I'm sick of having daily battles, hourly battles. I also feel guilty. I hav a friend with a degenerative illness and I feel I have things so much better. I feel I should be able to take control and make things better and move on. I just always fail.
  8. graycloud

    graycloud Member

    You and I really do think a like! I wonder though if it is our personalities, life experiences or our sickness that makes us think as we do. Maybe it's a combination of them all. I have so many times wondered if my son was better off with me or with out me. He is 19 now and I see in his eyes the same sadness that has plagued me so many years. I'm not so sure though that the sadness in his eyes wouldn't still exist if he had never known me. This is the curse I spoke of in this post. From what little I know of my grandmother she was as my mother just as I am my mother and my son like me...cursed with this sickness. It hurts that I don't know how to help my son no more than I know how to help myself. I am sure though that he is better off having his mother in his life and your child needs you too. You are right, we need to find the strength inside us to keep fighting. I hope you will always keep fighting!