Truth is I’m not good at sharing my feelings. Sometimes I can’t share because I really don’t know what I’m feeling. I guess that could be a good thing. Forgive me if I ramble, I’m new here and not really sure why I’m here. I’m sure nothing I say will be anything new nor worth the space I’m using to put it in. I guess I just need to vent or maybe I’m thinking someone will have something magical or life changing to say. My Dad died November 30 of last year. I think I’m dealing with it ok since I had a dream the day before fathers day where he came to see me and anyway I’m happy for him because I know he’s ok. It’s just that I’m not ok because he was the only person in the world who was always there. He never turned his back on me. He loved me unconditional and the truth is he was all I really had. I do have a son who I love with all my heart and I know he loves me too. He’s the only glue that holds me in this hell I live in. If not for the pain I would cause him I would take my life with out a second thought. For so many years I have tried to understand why I’m so down on myself and life. I’ve tried to change and better myself in all areas of life but I fail at every thing I do and even worst I seem to fail the ones I love the most. It’s like there is a curse on my family and it’s been past down to me. I’m not a terrible person. I don’t cheat, I don’t do drugs or steal, I think I’m respectful to others, yet it’s not enough. No matter how hard I try I always feel like I’m in a box, trapped in my own prison of loneliness and despair. I can’t brake out of this! I’ve tried counseling and the pills that seem to only cause other problems that make me hate living. Nothing has worked! Why must I live like this?! If god is merciful then why has he made my life a living hell?! I just want to live but this is not life, it is hell!! As much as I would like to ramble on and bore who ever reads this I just want to sleep now. I can find some peace in my dreams at least.